I just finished reading a book titled 'William Walkers First Year of Marriage'...it made me lol all through. It got me thinking about blokes and men. There is a difference and it has nothing to do with age. It was interesting to see things through a man's eye for once and try and attempt to understand why he reasons the way he does.
The difference between blokes and men is that the latter have grown up while the former haven't. A bloke is 'me, me, me' and not 'us, us, us'. I tell darling SO that it will only work when 'us' becomes bigger and more important that 'you' or 'me'.
Funny book though...recommended read. Some interesting quotes from the book.
'Marriage is like life in this-that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses.' Robert Louis Stevenson
'My advice for any newlyweds is stick at it, you will always have the snags but use a bit of sense!' Gladys Mott
'Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished' Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
That was so totally random...lol!
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Growing up
'When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me'
1st Corinthians 13:11
Over the weekend, I noticed that SO was a bit low. Its amazing that even via text messages someone can not 'sound' right. I asked him about it and he didn't want to talk about it. For some reason I was hurt. I just felt shut out. Hmm (I hmm a lot), all of a sudden my focus was on poor me and my feelings. He does get like that once in a while and if I'm honest I do too. I did tell him that I would prefer if he spoke to me but I understood if he didn't want to. I'm sorry but I was lying because I didn't really understand. Since then I've just felt this distance between us but it's more on my end if I'm being honest so when that message popped up this morning I kinda knew it was for me.
This week I learnt about time...its not so much that time heals the wound it just gives it the opportunity to heal. Like I said no matter how much we love someone sometimes we just need time...to open the windows and clear the room. Sometimes we need space. Not for ages but just to assert ourselves as an individual in a relationship because no matter how close you are even if you share a toothbrush you are an individual with wants and needs that sometimes differ from your partner.
Just realised that growing up comes with pain...when a baby gets his/her first teeth its uncomfortable, they are irritable but they need to persevere through it to the other side. Maturity is an essential requirement of any relationship. My reasoning and talking is childish because children are concerned about themselves, adults have to be responsible for someone else. A pain of growing up...but grow up we must if we are to have healthy relationships.
I'm happy that the verse quoted above separated reasoning from talking...I can be so childish in my reasoning sometimes and though I may not say anything to show how silly I am....our minds are powerful things. I had so many bad thoughts this week and totally unfounded ones at that. Well by the grace of God I'm getting there.
'I love you darling and these past few days I have missed you more than you can imagine. Its easier to write that I understand than it is to really understand but I trust you and I'm here if you need me. That's the growing up I was referring to earlier...'
Guess this is where the 'deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond' kicks in...
Picture Perfect?
I've just been musing about how things can be so different from what they look like on the surface. One of the big lessons I've learnt is that wisdom requires looking beyond the surface to know things as they really are, not what we think they are, not we want them to be. But as they really are.
Reading some blogs, reading some of the stuff I've written one could be forgiven for assuming that there are some perfect relationships. There aren't. I'm a perfectionist, I like things being perfect but I'm learning that no matter how hard I try, I'm not perfect. I can only do my best and on some days even that doesn't cut it. I used to be a fan of wedding websites and it's fun oohing and aahing at the pictures and I have no doubt that the couple I'm looking at is very happy but that's life. It's difficult to cram the last few years you've shared with someone into a website. Sometimes the stories sound like fairy tales but underneath the pictures I'm sure there are many stories.
So no we don't have a perfect relationship. Because neither of us is perfect. Two imperfect people cannot have a perfect relationship. However, it shouldn't just be the two of you...it should be him, me and God ( a threefold cord not easily broken). Even as I'm typing this we're having a moment. In many cases, opposites attract. In our case, our similarities more than anything attracted us to each other and when we have issues its those same similarities that bring the cracks. We both retreat into our shells when we are upset so it can be frustrating sometimes and all my communication tips just seem to fly out of my head and I want to do the silent treatment thing. When I was younger and I got mad...umm let's just say I would say ugly things. Now I'm older and to combat that I started keeping my mouth shut but doing that just puts my mind in overdrive and I withdraw and become cold and distant. We've never had a big fight....the promise is to never sleep on an argument and we haven't broken that so far but then we've never had a problem at 11pm at night...lol!
Well, the commitment is to still love you even when I'm upset and frustrated. So no we don't always get it right but when you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone I guess that's inevitable. The main reason why I wrote this was because so many times people want to compare their relationships with someone else's based on what they think they know about the relationship. Usually it isn't as perfect as it looks, we all look good with makeup on! Learn from other people, what they did that worked for them and the mistakes they've made also. I pray never to compare SO to anyone else and say I wished he was more like so and so. I'll write a post on what my weaknesses are. Only advice I would give...is to never stop talking to each other. Once the lines of communication are open things usually have a way of working out.
Keep living, loving and learning..
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
I love you but what's in the bag?
One day I hope to sit somewhere and just read all the posts on this blog and go through the different emotions that come with them. In my last post I was talking about baggage. We come into relationships 'as is', as we are with our strengths and our weaknesses. Our hopes and our fears. The problem usually is that we have this facade, this person we want to be and that really impedes us in our relationships because the other person doesn't really have an idea of who they are dealing with.
SO has what most women would consider the ultimate baggage, an ex-wife and kids. The other obstacle we had was the quite significant age difference between us. Over a decade. There was a time when both situations, the age difference and children would have been a big NO from me and yet here I am. On the age difference side, I had always expected that my husband would be quite older than I was as I've never had any friends male or female that wasn't at least 5 years older and people usually mistake me for someone older. They try and be nice and say its not how I look but how I act and I smile and choose to believe them! Lol! 'Tis true, I do come across as someone much older and in a lot of ways my age is just catching up. The first person I dated was 7 years older than me and for me that wasn't an issue. I just never thought I'd go over the 10 year gap.
I'm not one of those people who subscribe to the 'just love, everything else will take care of itself' idea. I did think long and hard about both issues. Maybe not too long and not too hard...lol! I'd always known about his boys from the word go. The first day we met he showed me their pictures in his wallet and the truth is that if they were girls and not boys I'm not sure I would be writing this post. I'm proud of SO, proud of his ex as well for the way they made the best out of a bad situation. The boys stayed with him after the split, it was their decision and their mother respected it. I met them a number of times before our awkward phase, they call me Aunty, they still do. Am I scared? A little bit...I'm not a mother talk less of being a step mother but they are teenagers and I'm not their mother. They have a mother. With boys its much easier than it would have been with girls. After all the horror stories I've heard about stepmums and all, actually realising that I'm going to become one is well....interesting. Maybe I should be more anxious about it but I'm not. We've had so many discussions about this, my fears and concerns and well I'm still here.
The thing is that no matter how a relationship goes, once there are children involved you maintain a permanent relationship with that person whether you like them or not, whether you want to or not. You have a shared responsibility till death do you part. I really like the boys. I think they did a good job. One of the things I respect about SO is that he never slags their mum. We don't talk much about that past but for whatever happened I believe that he learnt a lot from it. There are things that he does, things he is so perceptive about that only come when you've been there, not made it and are really ready to put in everything to make sure it works. I can't judge him totally on his past, he can't turn back the clock. I can only judge the present, the man he is, the man he wants to be. I'm not sure I could have done it for anyone else but he comes with 2 boys and loving him is accepting that fact.
Its not always going to be as easy as 1,2,3. If we have a child, he/she would be last instead of first. One of the boys has already requested it be a boy (no pressure..lol!) because 'girls are trouble'..lol! I try to look into the future. There will be graduation ceremonies, weddings and other special occasions where I will be the 'wife' but that is who I will be, their dad's wife. I pray to always have a good relationship with them but so far I've been amazed by how simple it was for them to open their arms and accept me as a part of their lives. I keep hoping SO isn't bribing them or something.
One day SO said he was thinking and wondering if I would still find him attractive when he was all 'wrinkly and old' and I pray for our love to be something that stands through changing scenes and seasons. Dating someone older does have its pros and cons. On the advantage side, he knows what he wants. No beating around the bush, no playing games. This is for keeps, unconditionally, forever and beyond. Not Tracy on Tuesday, Wendy on Wednesday, Thelma on Thursday. On the downside, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. Usually 'our' way becomes the 'right' way and darling can be like that sometimes. There is this tone of voice he has, I call it 'The Boss' but we're working through it one situation at a time.
We are happy together, conventional or unconventional as it may be. Even with the age difference, our similarities are outstanding almost like we are the same person sometimes. Anyway enough babbling. Some people have external baggage, some internal. Sometimes I think my internal baggage matches his and more but I'm blessed to have him. I love him very, very much.
SO has what most women would consider the ultimate baggage, an ex-wife and kids. The other obstacle we had was the quite significant age difference between us. Over a decade. There was a time when both situations, the age difference and children would have been a big NO from me and yet here I am. On the age difference side, I had always expected that my husband would be quite older than I was as I've never had any friends male or female that wasn't at least 5 years older and people usually mistake me for someone older. They try and be nice and say its not how I look but how I act and I smile and choose to believe them! Lol! 'Tis true, I do come across as someone much older and in a lot of ways my age is just catching up. The first person I dated was 7 years older than me and for me that wasn't an issue. I just never thought I'd go over the 10 year gap.
I'm not one of those people who subscribe to the 'just love, everything else will take care of itself' idea. I did think long and hard about both issues. Maybe not too long and not too hard...lol! I'd always known about his boys from the word go. The first day we met he showed me their pictures in his wallet and the truth is that if they were girls and not boys I'm not sure I would be writing this post. I'm proud of SO, proud of his ex as well for the way they made the best out of a bad situation. The boys stayed with him after the split, it was their decision and their mother respected it. I met them a number of times before our awkward phase, they call me Aunty, they still do. Am I scared? A little bit...I'm not a mother talk less of being a step mother but they are teenagers and I'm not their mother. They have a mother. With boys its much easier than it would have been with girls. After all the horror stories I've heard about stepmums and all, actually realising that I'm going to become one is well....interesting. Maybe I should be more anxious about it but I'm not. We've had so many discussions about this, my fears and concerns and well I'm still here.
The thing is that no matter how a relationship goes, once there are children involved you maintain a permanent relationship with that person whether you like them or not, whether you want to or not. You have a shared responsibility till death do you part. I really like the boys. I think they did a good job. One of the things I respect about SO is that he never slags their mum. We don't talk much about that past but for whatever happened I believe that he learnt a lot from it. There are things that he does, things he is so perceptive about that only come when you've been there, not made it and are really ready to put in everything to make sure it works. I can't judge him totally on his past, he can't turn back the clock. I can only judge the present, the man he is, the man he wants to be. I'm not sure I could have done it for anyone else but he comes with 2 boys and loving him is accepting that fact.
Its not always going to be as easy as 1,2,3. If we have a child, he/she would be last instead of first. One of the boys has already requested it be a boy (no pressure..lol!) because 'girls are trouble'..lol! I try to look into the future. There will be graduation ceremonies, weddings and other special occasions where I will be the 'wife' but that is who I will be, their dad's wife. I pray to always have a good relationship with them but so far I've been amazed by how simple it was for them to open their arms and accept me as a part of their lives. I keep hoping SO isn't bribing them or something.
One day SO said he was thinking and wondering if I would still find him attractive when he was all 'wrinkly and old' and I pray for our love to be something that stands through changing scenes and seasons. Dating someone older does have its pros and cons. On the advantage side, he knows what he wants. No beating around the bush, no playing games. This is for keeps, unconditionally, forever and beyond. Not Tracy on Tuesday, Wendy on Wednesday, Thelma on Thursday. On the downside, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. Usually 'our' way becomes the 'right' way and darling can be like that sometimes. There is this tone of voice he has, I call it 'The Boss' but we're working through it one situation at a time.
We are happy together, conventional or unconventional as it may be. Even with the age difference, our similarities are outstanding almost like we are the same person sometimes. Anyway enough babbling. Some people have external baggage, some internal. Sometimes I think my internal baggage matches his and more but I'm blessed to have him. I love him very, very much.
Going back to go forward...II
I have quite a number of metaphors for love. Love is like a garden, a tree, a force...but it is also like a seed. One day its this little thing that has been thrown in your heart, you hardly recognise that it is there but under the right conditions it germinates and then you have this beautiful plant that is neither you nor the other person but still you and the other person.
About 4 years into our friendship I just realised that something had changed. All of a sudden we were making plans to meet up more frequently, talking about different things, going from surface to deep conversations. I used to joke with him that it was time for him to get married and he would say the same to me. One day we met up for a drink/movie and he confided in me that he had met 'someone' but there were some obstacles and he was really worried about messing a good friendship up. I was surprised that my first feeling was one of disappointment. I was happy but disappointed. I told him that he would never know if he didn't try and what might seem like obstacles may be things that could be worked out. Sometime during the show, he reached out and held my hand. It wasn't a big deal and suddenly I realised that the friend was me. I should have been happy and a part of me was but then I panicked. I'll write a whole post about my pet peeves soon, fear and anxiety topping that list. The 'What ifs' of this world just came rumbling through my mind and I just tensed. Strange enough as we kissed each other goodbye that day I knew something had changed in our relationship.
Looking back now, sometimes we wonder what would have happened if we had just taken the plunge then. SO thinks we would have made it, as for me I'm not so sure. I'm surely a different woman than I was then in a lot of ways. There are some things I may not have been able to handle then that I feel more qualified to handle now. Like I said, something changed that day and we both decided (without a discussion..lol) to look for love somewhere else. We didn't talk as much any more and went on to different relationships. This is beginning to read like something from Danielle Steele but sometimes I guess truth is stranger than fiction. As I progress in my writing I will try and fill in some gaps but I don't know if this will always be anonymous and therefore there are some things I would rather not share yet.
We didn't know each other's significant others and I just felt that we both should have some space to focus on working on our relationships. I didn't speak to him for over a year. He did try to call and I would send the occasional text but one day I realised that he wasn't one of those people I could 'just be friends' with and it was better I took a break, a complete break. Until one day I got a text asking whether he'd done anything to offend me and that we should meet up soon to catch up.
So we somehow got talking. The previous year had actually been quite difficult for us both. Strangely enough we were both single again. And we kept talking and today we're still talking. I found out that I really was the friend from a few years ago. He just thought his baggage would be too much for me. I thought then that it would be too much for me too. But like I said I think right now I'm more equipped to handle things. I'll talk about it more in my next post.
Writing feels good.
About 4 years into our friendship I just realised that something had changed. All of a sudden we were making plans to meet up more frequently, talking about different things, going from surface to deep conversations. I used to joke with him that it was time for him to get married and he would say the same to me. One day we met up for a drink/movie and he confided in me that he had met 'someone' but there were some obstacles and he was really worried about messing a good friendship up. I was surprised that my first feeling was one of disappointment. I was happy but disappointed. I told him that he would never know if he didn't try and what might seem like obstacles may be things that could be worked out. Sometime during the show, he reached out and held my hand. It wasn't a big deal and suddenly I realised that the friend was me. I should have been happy and a part of me was but then I panicked. I'll write a whole post about my pet peeves soon, fear and anxiety topping that list. The 'What ifs' of this world just came rumbling through my mind and I just tensed. Strange enough as we kissed each other goodbye that day I knew something had changed in our relationship.
Looking back now, sometimes we wonder what would have happened if we had just taken the plunge then. SO thinks we would have made it, as for me I'm not so sure. I'm surely a different woman than I was then in a lot of ways. There are some things I may not have been able to handle then that I feel more qualified to handle now. Like I said, something changed that day and we both decided (without a discussion..lol) to look for love somewhere else. We didn't talk as much any more and went on to different relationships. This is beginning to read like something from Danielle Steele but sometimes I guess truth is stranger than fiction. As I progress in my writing I will try and fill in some gaps but I don't know if this will always be anonymous and therefore there are some things I would rather not share yet.
We didn't know each other's significant others and I just felt that we both should have some space to focus on working on our relationships. I didn't speak to him for over a year. He did try to call and I would send the occasional text but one day I realised that he wasn't one of those people I could 'just be friends' with and it was better I took a break, a complete break. Until one day I got a text asking whether he'd done anything to offend me and that we should meet up soon to catch up.
So we somehow got talking. The previous year had actually been quite difficult for us both. Strangely enough we were both single again. And we kept talking and today we're still talking. I found out that I really was the friend from a few years ago. He just thought his baggage would be too much for me. I thought then that it would be too much for me too. But like I said I think right now I'm more equipped to handle things. I'll talk about it more in my next post.
Writing feels good.
Writing out loud..
Will continue my story in a bit. I was actually thinking of deleting this blog and starting over. So many thoughts come into my head these days and I can't believe that its actually easier to write on the blog than anywhere else now. Maybe I should continue with my story now and find some therapy in that. Hmm, going back to go forward.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Going back to go forward...
In the last post St Augustine called love a 'fortunate accident', I think that's so true. Its amazing how one's life can be changed by the mundane. I don't believe in love at first sight, maybe attraction at first sight because I'm not sure if you can love someone you haven't spoken to before....but hey, just because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean it doesn't exist! If I'd known today where SO and I would be the first day we met, I guess I would have marked it in my diary or made a particular effort with my appearance e.t.c..
Actually, we met at the end of quite a stressful day. I hope I don't have to repeat this story to my daughter if I have one because we both broke fundamental rules that day. Our first meeting was as seat partners on an international flight which lasted about 6 hours. I was tired and stressed from running around all day, just to find out as I was about to board that my friend who was supposed to pick me up from the airport at the other end wasn't going to show. My head was throbbing and I asked for a painkiller before we had even taken off. I can't remember if he was seated before me or if I had to stand up. There were certainly no sparks and I'm not sure I even said hello or anything. If I remember correctly his first words to me were 'What are you going to watch? You can tell about a person's tastes from the movie that they choose'....in my mind I was like 'wierdo' but I think I went with 'XXX' which he had seen before and said was good. So I was there in my own world, watching the movie till I snoozed. When I woke up, I realised he was chatting with the other person on our row and they included me in the conversation. We were all just chatting about general things. I got to know that he was going to work straight from the airport, we talked about my friend stitching me up.
He asked if 'we' could hang out while I was around, I smiled but in my head was like 'I don't think so'...I was really old school then 'don't talk to strangers and all that', he gave me his number and I had no intention of calling him. However, it turned out that he was a big help to me that day. Even though he was going to work, he went out of his way to set me on my way. I think I must have sent a text once during my trip just to say thanks and returned home without thinking too much about it. He did reply asking if we could do something but I wasn't really forthcoming so we just left it at that. I was really grateful that he helped a total stranger but like I said I didn't think too much about it.
When I got home, real life took over, school and all. I can't remember when I received a message from him but we just started chatting back and forth...not everyday, not even every week just once in a while. One day he called to say he was coming to my city and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I said ok, even then it was just chatting about what we were both up to, we said our goodbyes, he left. A few months later, I found myself on a plane back to where he lived this time on a more permanent arrangement. I did tell him I would be coming and he said he would pick me up this time...lol! I guess I'm slow eh? Writing this has made me realise that...lol! I wouldn't say I fell in love with him that day but I began to realise how kind he really was. It's one of the top 5 words to describe SO that he is a very kind man. My plane was delayed, I don't think I came out till 2 hours after the original arrivals time. And he was still waiting, he had called my mum, (yes I gave my mum his number and vice versa) just to find out if I indeed was on the plane.
Anyhoo, we would go out from time to time. I was looking for a job and I remember him taking I and my sister out as we went round looking. He was really supportive because the first few months of my relocation were quite tough. We began to talk about different things, my plans for the future, my thoughts on relationships e.t.c. I can't remember when things changed just that they did. It was like I was asleep one day and then I woke up! Lol! Later on, he told me that he had just extricated himself from a relationship because he realised that it wasn't because he wanted to be with her but because he wanted everyone else including his parents thought that they would be a good match. I remember his words that day 'Dare to be different, walk the uncommon path'..hmm and then one day everyday changed..
To be continued
There are bits of this story missing but I think I will put them in forthcoming posts..
Live.love.learn
Actually, we met at the end of quite a stressful day. I hope I don't have to repeat this story to my daughter if I have one because we both broke fundamental rules that day. Our first meeting was as seat partners on an international flight which lasted about 6 hours. I was tired and stressed from running around all day, just to find out as I was about to board that my friend who was supposed to pick me up from the airport at the other end wasn't going to show. My head was throbbing and I asked for a painkiller before we had even taken off. I can't remember if he was seated before me or if I had to stand up. There were certainly no sparks and I'm not sure I even said hello or anything. If I remember correctly his first words to me were 'What are you going to watch? You can tell about a person's tastes from the movie that they choose'....in my mind I was like 'wierdo' but I think I went with 'XXX' which he had seen before and said was good. So I was there in my own world, watching the movie till I snoozed. When I woke up, I realised he was chatting with the other person on our row and they included me in the conversation. We were all just chatting about general things. I got to know that he was going to work straight from the airport, we talked about my friend stitching me up.
He asked if 'we' could hang out while I was around, I smiled but in my head was like 'I don't think so'...I was really old school then 'don't talk to strangers and all that', he gave me his number and I had no intention of calling him. However, it turned out that he was a big help to me that day. Even though he was going to work, he went out of his way to set me on my way. I think I must have sent a text once during my trip just to say thanks and returned home without thinking too much about it. He did reply asking if we could do something but I wasn't really forthcoming so we just left it at that. I was really grateful that he helped a total stranger but like I said I didn't think too much about it.
When I got home, real life took over, school and all. I can't remember when I received a message from him but we just started chatting back and forth...not everyday, not even every week just once in a while. One day he called to say he was coming to my city and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I said ok, even then it was just chatting about what we were both up to, we said our goodbyes, he left. A few months later, I found myself on a plane back to where he lived this time on a more permanent arrangement. I did tell him I would be coming and he said he would pick me up this time...lol! I guess I'm slow eh? Writing this has made me realise that...lol! I wouldn't say I fell in love with him that day but I began to realise how kind he really was. It's one of the top 5 words to describe SO that he is a very kind man. My plane was delayed, I don't think I came out till 2 hours after the original arrivals time. And he was still waiting, he had called my mum, (yes I gave my mum his number and vice versa) just to find out if I indeed was on the plane.
Anyhoo, we would go out from time to time. I was looking for a job and I remember him taking I and my sister out as we went round looking. He was really supportive because the first few months of my relocation were quite tough. We began to talk about different things, my plans for the future, my thoughts on relationships e.t.c. I can't remember when things changed just that they did. It was like I was asleep one day and then I woke up! Lol! Later on, he told me that he had just extricated himself from a relationship because he realised that it wasn't because he wanted to be with her but because he wanted everyone else including his parents thought that they would be a good match. I remember his words that day 'Dare to be different, walk the uncommon path'..hmm and then one day everyday changed..
To be continued
There are bits of this story missing but I think I will put them in forthcoming posts..
Live.love.learn
What do you call it?
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
St Augustine
I came across this quote while I was once again musing about a conversation I had with SO. We were talking about what made couples lose their fire after a while. How do you go from 'I might just die if I don't talk/see him/her' to 'I can't remember the last time I spoke to him/her' its like you just get to this phase where you are just existing. You're not unhappy but it seems the relationship has lost its fire. Although we've been friends for just under a decade, our romantic relationship is relatively new and I do appreciate how the 'busyness' of life can get in the way.
My married friends tell me that time to reconnect with your partner is a deliberate effort..it doesn't just happen especially when you have been together for a long time and you have kids. I've noticed an increase in the divorce rates of 'empty nesters', I used to wonder why after over 2 decades of being together a couple would split up but I guess when you get used to being 'Mummy', 'Daddy' and the children leave the cracks in the relationship begin to show. I know this is true because my parents experienced and to some level are still experiencing this. You don't realise when you're growing apart..
I call it love, just that there are different seasons and phases. I think we all fall in love...we meet someone new and something about them attracts us. For some its looks, how they speak, sadly, money sometimes...but for whatever reason we are attracted to them. We exchange contact details and talk, talk you never knew you could talk for hours, your network provider smiles to the bank but you can't seem to get enough of them. I don't think this is bad. We were created with feelings for a reason I guess. I've heard this described as the honeymoon phase...I think this is the temporary madness St Augustine refers to in the quote above. This is love or is it?
Then you have an argument or disagreement.....I remember our first...my 'amazingly amazing' suddenly became 'one of them'...'they're all the same' as I realised that he was flesh and blood, imperfect and therefore prone to mistakes. As we talked about it, I realised that I was committing to a lifetime of forgiving him, accepting him and loving him. This is love because I believe eventually we fall from that high and have to make a decision...will I love this person or not? I think I actually just got the point of that quote this minute....if we're all really being honest with each other I think that for many of us, yours truly inclusive we have ended some relationships that we should have worked on. We wanted to remain 'being in love' with the person instead of 'loving' them when it was required.
I pray for my roots to always grow underground towards you darling and that we become interconnected so that it is neither you nor me but us. That actually separating our roots causes so much pain we don't even consider it.
LUA
Live.love.learn
I call it love, just that there are different seasons and phases. I think we all fall in love...we meet someone new and something about them attracts us. For some its looks, how they speak, sadly, money sometimes...but for whatever reason we are attracted to them. We exchange contact details and talk, talk you never knew you could talk for hours, your network provider smiles to the bank but you can't seem to get enough of them. I don't think this is bad. We were created with feelings for a reason I guess. I've heard this described as the honeymoon phase...I think this is the temporary madness St Augustine refers to in the quote above. This is love or is it?
Then you have an argument or disagreement.....I remember our first...my 'amazingly amazing' suddenly became 'one of them'...'they're all the same' as I realised that he was flesh and blood, imperfect and therefore prone to mistakes. As we talked about it, I realised that I was committing to a lifetime of forgiving him, accepting him and loving him. This is love because I believe eventually we fall from that high and have to make a decision...will I love this person or not? I think I actually just got the point of that quote this minute....if we're all really being honest with each other I think that for many of us, yours truly inclusive we have ended some relationships that we should have worked on. We wanted to remain 'being in love' with the person instead of 'loving' them when it was required.
I pray for my roots to always grow underground towards you darling and that we become interconnected so that it is neither you nor me but us. That actually separating our roots causes so much pain we don't even consider it.
LUA
Live.love.learn
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
1+1=1 or 2
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
I was just pondering after a conversation with SO in addition with something I'd read somewhere on what it means to be one. I guess what I'm trying to say with the title of this post is that even in unity there is still individuality. We are 2 people who love each other, who want to be together (sorry, not all the time), who want to share life...its ups and downs, the good and bad but we are still 2 people. 2 people, 2 different people. Not better or worse just different.
I like the scripture above because I believe this is what every couple should strive for in marriage..becoming united, becoming one flesh. Not just physically but relationally and emotionally. I've heard that opposites attract but my initial attraction to SO was really based on our similarities. We have similar personalities, we are both introverts who have lots of acquaintances but very few friends. We like being at home as opposed to outside and we keep quiet when we are upset. I'm glad we have different professions. SO says two things make for a happy marriage 'Don't teach your husband/wife how to drive' and 'Keep your money separate if you know you can't handle it being together', I do agree with him.
I'm tired now and feel I'm not making any sense but I don't like seeing couples where it seems like being in a partnership has made them lose their sense of who they are. Continue this later..
Live.love.learn
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Q and A: This Loving Kind
Just picked this one out of my inbox. I don't know where SO gets these questions from but suffice to say you never know if you don't ask. His questions are italicised followed by my answers. Part of the answers include private jokes so if anyone ever reads this forgive the bits that make no sense whatsoever!
What is it that makes 'us' love someone differently, specially?
I think like Solomon I have to ask for the wisdom of God on this one..Mmm...I believe there is a fundamental human need to love and be loved. While I think there is a place that only God can fill, I also believe He also created us with a need to relate with other people as well and it is in marital relationships we really learn about oneness. Also, needs are unique, I think there are a number of desires that we have as individuals that we are not even aware of. We want to be understood by someone else, be significant to someone else, be accepted for the totality of who we are by someone else. We talked last week about people being attracted to people who were very different from them and these differences sometimes becoming sources of irritation when the reality of being in a committed relationship dawns upon them.
I think the answer to this question is different for everyone. I love you differently and specially because to me you are very different and very special. Every individual is unique but your uniqueness makes you stand out to me. What your friend said is true 'I would gladly let my daughter marry you'.......because I would too! : ) I know I keep repeating this but there is a way I believe you understand me that no one else outside my family and best friends do. Maybe this comes from us having similar personalities but I feel wholly accepted, wholly loved, not parts of me, not bits and pieces. There was a message you sent to me a while ago where you told me 'I would rather let you go and let you be happy with someone else than for us to be together and you be unhappy' that spoke volumes to me. Because the truth is love is not a cage with no way out but a room with a door left open. Love says 'the door is open but I want you to stay' and the other person makes the commitment to close the door, lock it and throw the key away because they are in it for the long haul...through changing scenes and seasons.
Its the sum of who the person is...their strengths and their weaknesses, their likes and dislikes..there is an initial attraction that you may be aware of or not...but then there is the growing to love them and this happens as you begin to know them, talk to them, share with them. One day you wake up and realise that the thought of being without them is unbearable, that they have become everything and you are ready to do whatever it takes for them to stay with you, share your life with you and grow old with you.
It is also the risk, because love of this nature is indeed a risk but you love them specially because for that particular individual it is a risk you are willing to take. Just like I am willing to do for you because I love him truly, deeply, forever and beyond.
So darling..I'm not sure I really answered the question but that's my 2 kroner..lol
Why does true love change a person and touch all aspects of their life?
Another hard one..I think it goes back to our basic nature. We were created to love, I find it interesting somehow how people do not get along with their family but idolise a dog/cat to the point of what some would consider insanity. Love changes you because when you truly love someone you find yourself wanting to be better for them, because 'us' becomes more important than 'me'. Its sad that we generally tend not to take the same care of ourselves/spouses after some time because we feel we don't have a need to impress them any more. This should not be the case, everyday we wake up we should try and be that much better just to make them happy. E.g no 'big' smiling on the train/tube any more with random strangers, giving up one coffee a day to have a drink of water..lol! In a lot of ways, one is discovering a new world...through the eyes of the one you love and it is unfathomable that the new information you receive doesn't change you in some ways.
Also truly loving someone and having them love you back is one of the happiest things that can happen to someone. It brings you joy and peace, there is that special someone who is sharing your life with you..that happiness touches all areas of your life. I smile to myself all the time...I wake up expecting to get/send a good morning message (though you seem to always beat me to it..) and can't sleep till you say goodnight..the whispers have taken things to a whole different level..Even with the slight irritations of the day, I just feel that more patient because I am well and truly very happy. Its very new for me..I have not walked this path before with anyone.
Once again, I am unsure if I have answered your questions, but this has been a long one...lol!
Loving you every day...deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond by the grace of God.
Keep living, loving and learning...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)