Not too many words today. Its about finding rest for my soul. Still learning to practice the art of silence and meditation. Sometimes its good to shut everything and everyone out, connect with our Maker, recharge and restore.
Love.Live.Learn.
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflections. Show all posts
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
I love you but what's in the bag?
One day I hope to sit somewhere and just read all the posts on this blog and go through the different emotions that come with them. In my last post I was talking about baggage. We come into relationships 'as is', as we are with our strengths and our weaknesses. Our hopes and our fears. The problem usually is that we have this facade, this person we want to be and that really impedes us in our relationships because the other person doesn't really have an idea of who they are dealing with.
SO has what most women would consider the ultimate baggage, an ex-wife and kids. The other obstacle we had was the quite significant age difference between us. Over a decade. There was a time when both situations, the age difference and children would have been a big NO from me and yet here I am. On the age difference side, I had always expected that my husband would be quite older than I was as I've never had any friends male or female that wasn't at least 5 years older and people usually mistake me for someone older. They try and be nice and say its not how I look but how I act and I smile and choose to believe them! Lol! 'Tis true, I do come across as someone much older and in a lot of ways my age is just catching up. The first person I dated was 7 years older than me and for me that wasn't an issue. I just never thought I'd go over the 10 year gap.
I'm not one of those people who subscribe to the 'just love, everything else will take care of itself' idea. I did think long and hard about both issues. Maybe not too long and not too hard...lol! I'd always known about his boys from the word go. The first day we met he showed me their pictures in his wallet and the truth is that if they were girls and not boys I'm not sure I would be writing this post. I'm proud of SO, proud of his ex as well for the way they made the best out of a bad situation. The boys stayed with him after the split, it was their decision and their mother respected it. I met them a number of times before our awkward phase, they call me Aunty, they still do. Am I scared? A little bit...I'm not a mother talk less of being a step mother but they are teenagers and I'm not their mother. They have a mother. With boys its much easier than it would have been with girls. After all the horror stories I've heard about stepmums and all, actually realising that I'm going to become one is well....interesting. Maybe I should be more anxious about it but I'm not. We've had so many discussions about this, my fears and concerns and well I'm still here.
The thing is that no matter how a relationship goes, once there are children involved you maintain a permanent relationship with that person whether you like them or not, whether you want to or not. You have a shared responsibility till death do you part. I really like the boys. I think they did a good job. One of the things I respect about SO is that he never slags their mum. We don't talk much about that past but for whatever happened I believe that he learnt a lot from it. There are things that he does, things he is so perceptive about that only come when you've been there, not made it and are really ready to put in everything to make sure it works. I can't judge him totally on his past, he can't turn back the clock. I can only judge the present, the man he is, the man he wants to be. I'm not sure I could have done it for anyone else but he comes with 2 boys and loving him is accepting that fact.
Its not always going to be as easy as 1,2,3. If we have a child, he/she would be last instead of first. One of the boys has already requested it be a boy (no pressure..lol!) because 'girls are trouble'..lol! I try to look into the future. There will be graduation ceremonies, weddings and other special occasions where I will be the 'wife' but that is who I will be, their dad's wife. I pray to always have a good relationship with them but so far I've been amazed by how simple it was for them to open their arms and accept me as a part of their lives. I keep hoping SO isn't bribing them or something.
One day SO said he was thinking and wondering if I would still find him attractive when he was all 'wrinkly and old' and I pray for our love to be something that stands through changing scenes and seasons. Dating someone older does have its pros and cons. On the advantage side, he knows what he wants. No beating around the bush, no playing games. This is for keeps, unconditionally, forever and beyond. Not Tracy on Tuesday, Wendy on Wednesday, Thelma on Thursday. On the downside, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. Usually 'our' way becomes the 'right' way and darling can be like that sometimes. There is this tone of voice he has, I call it 'The Boss' but we're working through it one situation at a time.
We are happy together, conventional or unconventional as it may be. Even with the age difference, our similarities are outstanding almost like we are the same person sometimes. Anyway enough babbling. Some people have external baggage, some internal. Sometimes I think my internal baggage matches his and more but I'm blessed to have him. I love him very, very much.
SO has what most women would consider the ultimate baggage, an ex-wife and kids. The other obstacle we had was the quite significant age difference between us. Over a decade. There was a time when both situations, the age difference and children would have been a big NO from me and yet here I am. On the age difference side, I had always expected that my husband would be quite older than I was as I've never had any friends male or female that wasn't at least 5 years older and people usually mistake me for someone older. They try and be nice and say its not how I look but how I act and I smile and choose to believe them! Lol! 'Tis true, I do come across as someone much older and in a lot of ways my age is just catching up. The first person I dated was 7 years older than me and for me that wasn't an issue. I just never thought I'd go over the 10 year gap.
I'm not one of those people who subscribe to the 'just love, everything else will take care of itself' idea. I did think long and hard about both issues. Maybe not too long and not too hard...lol! I'd always known about his boys from the word go. The first day we met he showed me their pictures in his wallet and the truth is that if they were girls and not boys I'm not sure I would be writing this post. I'm proud of SO, proud of his ex as well for the way they made the best out of a bad situation. The boys stayed with him after the split, it was their decision and their mother respected it. I met them a number of times before our awkward phase, they call me Aunty, they still do. Am I scared? A little bit...I'm not a mother talk less of being a step mother but they are teenagers and I'm not their mother. They have a mother. With boys its much easier than it would have been with girls. After all the horror stories I've heard about stepmums and all, actually realising that I'm going to become one is well....interesting. Maybe I should be more anxious about it but I'm not. We've had so many discussions about this, my fears and concerns and well I'm still here.
The thing is that no matter how a relationship goes, once there are children involved you maintain a permanent relationship with that person whether you like them or not, whether you want to or not. You have a shared responsibility till death do you part. I really like the boys. I think they did a good job. One of the things I respect about SO is that he never slags their mum. We don't talk much about that past but for whatever happened I believe that he learnt a lot from it. There are things that he does, things he is so perceptive about that only come when you've been there, not made it and are really ready to put in everything to make sure it works. I can't judge him totally on his past, he can't turn back the clock. I can only judge the present, the man he is, the man he wants to be. I'm not sure I could have done it for anyone else but he comes with 2 boys and loving him is accepting that fact.
Its not always going to be as easy as 1,2,3. If we have a child, he/she would be last instead of first. One of the boys has already requested it be a boy (no pressure..lol!) because 'girls are trouble'..lol! I try to look into the future. There will be graduation ceremonies, weddings and other special occasions where I will be the 'wife' but that is who I will be, their dad's wife. I pray to always have a good relationship with them but so far I've been amazed by how simple it was for them to open their arms and accept me as a part of their lives. I keep hoping SO isn't bribing them or something.
One day SO said he was thinking and wondering if I would still find him attractive when he was all 'wrinkly and old' and I pray for our love to be something that stands through changing scenes and seasons. Dating someone older does have its pros and cons. On the advantage side, he knows what he wants. No beating around the bush, no playing games. This is for keeps, unconditionally, forever and beyond. Not Tracy on Tuesday, Wendy on Wednesday, Thelma on Thursday. On the downside, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. Usually 'our' way becomes the 'right' way and darling can be like that sometimes. There is this tone of voice he has, I call it 'The Boss' but we're working through it one situation at a time.
We are happy together, conventional or unconventional as it may be. Even with the age difference, our similarities are outstanding almost like we are the same person sometimes. Anyway enough babbling. Some people have external baggage, some internal. Sometimes I think my internal baggage matches his and more but I'm blessed to have him. I love him very, very much.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Going back to go forward...
In the last post St Augustine called love a 'fortunate accident', I think that's so true. Its amazing how one's life can be changed by the mundane. I don't believe in love at first sight, maybe attraction at first sight because I'm not sure if you can love someone you haven't spoken to before....but hey, just because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean it doesn't exist! If I'd known today where SO and I would be the first day we met, I guess I would have marked it in my diary or made a particular effort with my appearance e.t.c..
Actually, we met at the end of quite a stressful day. I hope I don't have to repeat this story to my daughter if I have one because we both broke fundamental rules that day. Our first meeting was as seat partners on an international flight which lasted about 6 hours. I was tired and stressed from running around all day, just to find out as I was about to board that my friend who was supposed to pick me up from the airport at the other end wasn't going to show. My head was throbbing and I asked for a painkiller before we had even taken off. I can't remember if he was seated before me or if I had to stand up. There were certainly no sparks and I'm not sure I even said hello or anything. If I remember correctly his first words to me were 'What are you going to watch? You can tell about a person's tastes from the movie that they choose'....in my mind I was like 'wierdo' but I think I went with 'XXX' which he had seen before and said was good. So I was there in my own world, watching the movie till I snoozed. When I woke up, I realised he was chatting with the other person on our row and they included me in the conversation. We were all just chatting about general things. I got to know that he was going to work straight from the airport, we talked about my friend stitching me up.
He asked if 'we' could hang out while I was around, I smiled but in my head was like 'I don't think so'...I was really old school then 'don't talk to strangers and all that', he gave me his number and I had no intention of calling him. However, it turned out that he was a big help to me that day. Even though he was going to work, he went out of his way to set me on my way. I think I must have sent a text once during my trip just to say thanks and returned home without thinking too much about it. He did reply asking if we could do something but I wasn't really forthcoming so we just left it at that. I was really grateful that he helped a total stranger but like I said I didn't think too much about it.
When I got home, real life took over, school and all. I can't remember when I received a message from him but we just started chatting back and forth...not everyday, not even every week just once in a while. One day he called to say he was coming to my city and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I said ok, even then it was just chatting about what we were both up to, we said our goodbyes, he left. A few months later, I found myself on a plane back to where he lived this time on a more permanent arrangement. I did tell him I would be coming and he said he would pick me up this time...lol! I guess I'm slow eh? Writing this has made me realise that...lol! I wouldn't say I fell in love with him that day but I began to realise how kind he really was. It's one of the top 5 words to describe SO that he is a very kind man. My plane was delayed, I don't think I came out till 2 hours after the original arrivals time. And he was still waiting, he had called my mum, (yes I gave my mum his number and vice versa) just to find out if I indeed was on the plane.
Anyhoo, we would go out from time to time. I was looking for a job and I remember him taking I and my sister out as we went round looking. He was really supportive because the first few months of my relocation were quite tough. We began to talk about different things, my plans for the future, my thoughts on relationships e.t.c. I can't remember when things changed just that they did. It was like I was asleep one day and then I woke up! Lol! Later on, he told me that he had just extricated himself from a relationship because he realised that it wasn't because he wanted to be with her but because he wanted everyone else including his parents thought that they would be a good match. I remember his words that day 'Dare to be different, walk the uncommon path'..hmm and then one day everyday changed..
To be continued
There are bits of this story missing but I think I will put them in forthcoming posts..
Live.love.learn
Actually, we met at the end of quite a stressful day. I hope I don't have to repeat this story to my daughter if I have one because we both broke fundamental rules that day. Our first meeting was as seat partners on an international flight which lasted about 6 hours. I was tired and stressed from running around all day, just to find out as I was about to board that my friend who was supposed to pick me up from the airport at the other end wasn't going to show. My head was throbbing and I asked for a painkiller before we had even taken off. I can't remember if he was seated before me or if I had to stand up. There were certainly no sparks and I'm not sure I even said hello or anything. If I remember correctly his first words to me were 'What are you going to watch? You can tell about a person's tastes from the movie that they choose'....in my mind I was like 'wierdo' but I think I went with 'XXX' which he had seen before and said was good. So I was there in my own world, watching the movie till I snoozed. When I woke up, I realised he was chatting with the other person on our row and they included me in the conversation. We were all just chatting about general things. I got to know that he was going to work straight from the airport, we talked about my friend stitching me up.
He asked if 'we' could hang out while I was around, I smiled but in my head was like 'I don't think so'...I was really old school then 'don't talk to strangers and all that', he gave me his number and I had no intention of calling him. However, it turned out that he was a big help to me that day. Even though he was going to work, he went out of his way to set me on my way. I think I must have sent a text once during my trip just to say thanks and returned home without thinking too much about it. He did reply asking if we could do something but I wasn't really forthcoming so we just left it at that. I was really grateful that he helped a total stranger but like I said I didn't think too much about it.
When I got home, real life took over, school and all. I can't remember when I received a message from him but we just started chatting back and forth...not everyday, not even every week just once in a while. One day he called to say he was coming to my city and wanted to know if we could have lunch. I said ok, even then it was just chatting about what we were both up to, we said our goodbyes, he left. A few months later, I found myself on a plane back to where he lived this time on a more permanent arrangement. I did tell him I would be coming and he said he would pick me up this time...lol! I guess I'm slow eh? Writing this has made me realise that...lol! I wouldn't say I fell in love with him that day but I began to realise how kind he really was. It's one of the top 5 words to describe SO that he is a very kind man. My plane was delayed, I don't think I came out till 2 hours after the original arrivals time. And he was still waiting, he had called my mum, (yes I gave my mum his number and vice versa) just to find out if I indeed was on the plane.
Anyhoo, we would go out from time to time. I was looking for a job and I remember him taking I and my sister out as we went round looking. He was really supportive because the first few months of my relocation were quite tough. We began to talk about different things, my plans for the future, my thoughts on relationships e.t.c. I can't remember when things changed just that they did. It was like I was asleep one day and then I woke up! Lol! Later on, he told me that he had just extricated himself from a relationship because he realised that it wasn't because he wanted to be with her but because he wanted everyone else including his parents thought that they would be a good match. I remember his words that day 'Dare to be different, walk the uncommon path'..hmm and then one day everyday changed..
To be continued
There are bits of this story missing but I think I will put them in forthcoming posts..
Live.love.learn
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