The Best me..

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Irrespective of the journey, taking that first step always requires courage and strength of character. I believe we are constantly changing but it is always worthwhile to examine and chronicle those changes. There is something about crisis that forces one to think about oneself and what's really important. I think 2011 has been that sort of year for me.

I am realising how important it is for me to be the best me that I can be. The me that God created and intended for me to be. Maybe growing older gives one a different perspective of things and while I know that no one is perfect I have just grown tired of accepting some things as being 'me.' My pet peeves are worry and anxiety and I have literally worried myself sick over minor and major things but no more. I want to experience peace that is independent of what the situation in my life is at present. I am tired of being ruled by my emotions. I am tired of giving up on people in relationships because they hurt me. I am tired of staying in relationships that have existed past their due date. I am tired of making the same mistakes over and over again.

Recently I decided to refuse to accept my overweight status. It's not just about PCOS and wanting to look like the girls in COSMO. I am not a skinny girl but I am not supposed to be an overweight girl either. Sometimes one can accept something as being 'normal' because that is the way it has always been. I've always been quick to give a cutting response, big, have permed hair, shy...(fill in the blanks). That its always been that way doesn't mean it always has to be that way. Its not about not accepting who I am, I also realised that I don't want to be so caught up wanting to be better that I fail to appreciate the good that is me. Something about loving and being in love has made me realise that not to be the best me is to shortchange  the people that love me and have to live with me of the best experience that they could have.

I'm trying to encourage everyone around me to embark on a healthier lifestyle too. Right now my focus in on reaching a healthier weight and increasing my fitness level. I participated in a 5K race last month and well let's say it was a big wake up call for me. Love is motivating me to change. I can't do anything about the condition I have, my genetics and my general predisposition but nothing has to control my life. I'm being the best me and living my best life right now.

Live.

Making room for disappointment..

I came across an interesting statistic this week in this article on the Marriage Gems blog. That 76% of men would remarry their wives, yet only 50% of women would remarry their husbands. This indicates that men are generally happier in their relationships than women are. Hmm...I found this interesting because I always thought it would be the other way around.

Another statistic that was mentioned was that 80% of divorces were filed by women. Now I'm not sure if this is in the States where the writer lives and if these statistics cross borders but it got me thinking. Maybe women are just tired especially now when some have to bring in a second income and still be the primary caregiver. But I wonder, maybe just wonder if sometimes we don't make room for disappointment. SO sent me a message a few days ago 'I am not perfect but I will always try my best and love you unconditionally.' I realised recently that even though I mentally acknowledge he is not perfect, I had never made room for disappointment.

When someone loves you they will not deliberately (at least I think so) do something to hurt you. But because they are not perfect (just like us) they will hurt us (just like we would hurt them). Hmm..there must be room for disappointment. Freeing him from the expectation to be perfect. It isn't easy, when you are hurt, you are hurt and it doesn't matter whether it was a deliberate act or not. But I am one of those people who have difficulty letting go of things and I realise that if I don't nip this habit in the bud I can easily make big things out of little things.

I guess its the difference between falling in love and learning to love everyday. I must love the whole person...not just the bits I like. I wrote something in my journal which I called the final word. 

The final word, after all is said and done, after arguments and disagreements, after speech and silence is that I know that he loves me and I know that I love him. I don't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. Home will always be him.

Love.

Not forgetting but forgiving..

I watched 'Indecent Proposal' with SO this weekend. I like watching old movies, I guess like most things 'they just don't make things the same anymore.' Anyway Woody Harrelson's character said 2 things that were significantly poignant. The first was that 'the mistake that we made was thinking we are invincible.' No couple is invincible, you can be strong but definitely not invincible. Living with that knowledge makes me understand that I must be careful..I shouldn't take anything for granted because no one goes into a relationship hoping it fails. SO says 'never gamble with what you can't afford to lose.'

I've been thinking about the other thing he said which is the title of this post. 'We thought we could forget while what we really needed to do was to forgive.'  Forgiveness is both an event and a process. The event is the conscious decision one makes to forgive and the process is daily living with that decision. However, sometimes the focus is on forgetting what has happened which undermines the process because I cannot consciously make myself forget something. The Bible says 'Forgive' but not forget. 

So maybe I should forget about forgetting some things and just forgive every single time I remember.

There are lessons everywhere if we are listening..

Learn.

New beginnings..

I asked myself recently how many new beginnings does one really get in life? I know I've had quite a few. I heard a familiar voice whisper 'As many as you need to get to where you need to be.' That made me smile. Because I've come to believe that we are consistently having new beginnings on our journey. One of the things I love saying to myself about God is that 'He is making all things new.'

I've been inspired recently to embark on a journey of health and wholeness. It started as a desire to lose some weight but as I began to do some research I decided to broaden my horizons a bit. As always I will be sharing what I'm learning.

I've always struggled with my weight. I was a big baby and I have never really been what one would call skinny or even slim. When I look at some pictures of me from a decade ago I'm surprised to think I called myself fat then..lol! After the PCOS diagnosis, I realised that I would have to be serious about my weight, eating habits etc. But I kept that information somewhere at the back of mind. When I felt a little guilty, I would   starve diet and so began my yoyo lifestyle. I won't say I'm a diet junkie, don't have the discipline not to eat at all but I've done quite a number of things.

I'm just tired of the cycle so this time it's about tried and tested principles not diets. The basic principle being that weight gain occurs when more calories are taken in than used up. No matter what the underlying issues are..as is the case with someone with PCOS and a bit of insulin resistance this remains the same. So weight loss and a healthier lifestyle are hinged on two important factors; diet and exercise and that's where my focus is going to be. I have a one year plan which I'm breaking down into manageable goals that I will share later. But this season of my life is taking care of this asset that is me. People love me, I need to do my best to ensure that I am around for them as much as I can.

Live. Learn

Day 30: Love Everyday..

Finally at the end of this journey. I started this in August. I was not really in a good place and my intention was to blog every day for 30 days to get my writing mojo back and clear my thoughts. I shared different things..hopefully serious and not so serious, thoughtful and funny. However it took me about  two months to complete it but I am getting back into my rhythm of writing regularly and I hope my next challenge will find me more consistent.

I've developed an interest in relationships, different kinds of relationships. What makes them great, what keeps them strong. I'm also interested in romantic relationships. Marriage is a beautiful thing..how do we get married and how do we stay married. How do we keep our love alive through the different scenes and seasons of life? Well this will be the ground where I dump my stories, personal and those that have been shared with me. Maybe someone will learn from my 'getting it wrong' stories and what I've read and trying to apply to my life.

Today I am just encouraging myself to love everyday. Every single day. Whatever it means and whatever it requires. I've learnt that love comes both with high and lows, love comes with laughter and tears. Love always calls for a higher level of living. Willing to live contrary to self and exalt 'us' over our individual persons.

Love. Live .Learn

Day 29: Keeping a cool head.

I read something this morning about 'opening windows when arguments are flying.' Conflict is inevitable but it can be managed. Today is about assuming the responsibility of giving silence when the other person is 'dishing it out.' Like a fire, arguments can escalate from a struck match to a raging inferno but for a fire to 'grow' it requires a fuel. Sometimes silence is taking the fuel out of the fire. It no longer becomes an argument but the other person expressing themselves..they aren't right to shout at you but shouting back doesn't achieve anything either.

Relationships are relationships, the principles that apply between partners also apply at work and in other family relationships. I am guilty of giving silence but in a more manipulative 'I am not speaking to you until you beg' sort of mood. This silence is having the emotional strength required to allow another person vent their frustrations (they may be wrong) to prevent the fire from raging. I'm not saying stand still for someone to be violent. I realised that for me most arguments start when I begin to raise my voice to match the other person, it only takes a few seconds for both of us to be screaming. However if I can try and maintain an even tone then the other person's voice usually starts lowering because they kind of look crazy if they don't..lol!

Easy advice to give, very practical. Difficult to live but I am learning that there is a difference between difficult and impossible. I make mistakes everyday but like a child learning to walk, I don't give up because I lost my temper today. I pray and ask God for forgiveness and to rely on His strength to ensure that tomorrow I don't.

I'm a firm believer that we can change things about our lives when we utilise the 'inside-out' approach. I feel like I am on a journey to becoming a better person. I don't know what the destination is and the journey is not always easy but I'm committed to being on it.

Learn.