Day 23: Question

Still hanging in there. Today I have a question and I would really appreciate if someone would respond to this one, pretty please? The question is 'Would you ever go through your partner's email, Facebook account, phone, USB without their permission?

I know a lot of couples have a 100% disclosure policy to their relationship. I and SO don't. Let me clarify, we talk about everything that pertains to our 'us.' The rule is 'do to the other person what you would like them to do to you.' Anything that concerns the other person must be shared. However, SO's occupation means that he handles a lot of sensitive, confidential information and in some cases he has to sign confidentiality agreements. Privately, he does do quite a bit of counselling and well he likes to protect the identity of his counselees (is there such a word) and while he may discuss the case with me he doesn't tell me who they are (at least most of the time...lol!).

On the other hand, there are partners who cheat and hide behind 'I need my boundaries'. Recently a friend of mind confirmed (she already had her suspicions) her husband's affair after going through the texts on his phone. I know her method was illegitimate and the end doesn't always justify the means. But what's right or wrong.

Food for thought. Please let me know.

Love. Learn.

Question time: Preparing for marriage

SO sent me this questions a while ago. I think he got it from one of his 'for my eyes only' magazines. I don't have a problem with them, from what he shares he is picking up things that have enhanced our relationship on different levels. The questions therefore are aimed at men but could also be answered by both genders. They require simply a Yes or No and yet they provide so much food for thought. 


1. Can you be comfortable with being completely vulnerable with your spouse? Or do you see this as a weakness?


2. Can you permanently control your ego and deal with your spouse without any attitude?


3. Can you settle for less or do you always have to win an argument?


4. Could you let go and kiss your partner goodnight after a row?


I could only answer Yes to 3 and 4. I could try for Yes with 2 but for the word permanent. 1, I know that I am still working on. For vulnerability has for a long time for me been viewed as weakness and I am just gradually allowing SO in; into my thoughts, my fears, my weaknesses and my strengths. 


Sometimes I do struggle with 4. If I am hurt I just don't want to talk. I just want to do my thing and let him get on with his. However the questions made me realise that having a great relationship means learning things that go contrary to my natural reaction. Between stimulus and response is the ability to choose. As Christians we have been given the Holy Spirit who enables the fruit of love to be borne in our lives. So even though I could respond in a certain way to something I can still choose to act different. 


Just wanted to share that before it got lost in a myriad of texts and emails. Choose to handle things differently to keep the love strong between you and your partner today.


Love. Learn.

Q and A: This Loving Kind

Just picked this one out of my inbox. I don't know where SO gets these questions from but suffice to say you never know if you don't ask. His questions are italicised followed by my answers. Part of the answers include private jokes so if anyone ever reads this forgive the bits that make no sense whatsoever!

What is it that makes 'us' love someone differently, specially?

I think like Solomon I have to ask for the wisdom of God on this one..Mmm...I believe there is a fundamental human need to love and be loved. While I think there is a place that only God can fill, I also believe He also created us with a need to relate with other people as well and it is in marital relationships we really learn about oneness. Also, needs are unique, I think there are a number of desires that we have as individuals that we are not even aware of. We want to be understood by someone else, be significant to someone else, be accepted for the totality of who we are by someone else. We talked last week about people being attracted to people who were very different from them and these differences sometimes becoming sources of irritation when the reality of being in a committed relationship dawns upon them. 

I think the answer to this question is different for everyone. I love you differently and specially because to me you are very different and very special. Every individual is unique but your uniqueness makes you stand out to me. What your friend said is true 'I would gladly let my daughter marry you'.......because I would too! : ) I know I keep repeating this but there is a way I believe you understand me that no one else outside my family and best friends do. Maybe this comes from us having similar personalities but I feel wholly accepted, wholly loved, not parts of me, not bits and pieces. There was a message you sent to me a while ago where you told me 'I would rather let you go and let you be happy with someone else than for us to be together and you be unhappy' that spoke volumes to me. Because the truth is love is not a cage with no way out but a room with a door left open. Love says 'the door is open but I want you to stay' and the other person makes the commitment to close the door, lock it and throw the key away because they are in it for the long haul...through changing scenes and seasons.

Its the sum of who the person is...their strengths and their weaknesses, their likes and dislikes..there is an initial attraction that you may be aware of or not...but then there is the growing to love them and this happens as you begin to know them, talk to them, share with them. One day you wake up and realise that the thought of being without them is unbearable, that they have become everything and you are ready to do whatever it takes for them to stay with you, share your life with you and grow old with you. 

It is also the risk, because love of this nature is indeed a risk but you love them specially because for that particular individual it is a risk you are willing to take. Just like I am willing to do for you because I love him truly, deeply, forever and beyond.

So darling..I'm not sure I really answered the question but that's my 2 kroner..lol

Why does true love change a person and touch all aspects of their life?

Another hard one..I think it goes back to our basic nature. We were created to love, I find it interesting somehow how people do not get along with their family but idolise a dog/cat to the point of what some would consider insanity. Love changes you because when you truly love someone you find yourself wanting to be better for them, because 'us' becomes more important than 'me'. Its sad that we generally tend not to take the same care of ourselves/spouses after some time because we feel we don't have a need to impress them any more. This should not be the case, everyday we wake up we should try and be that much better just to make them happy. E.g no 'big' smiling on the train/tube any more with random strangers, giving up one coffee a day to have a drink of water..lol! In a lot of ways, one is discovering a new world...through the eyes of the one you love and it is unfathomable that the new information you receive doesn't change you in some ways. 

Also truly loving someone and having them love you back is one of the happiest things that can happen to someone. It brings you joy and peace, there is that special someone who is sharing your life with you..that happiness touches all areas of your life. I smile to myself all the time...I wake up expecting to get/send a good morning message (though you seem to always beat me to it..) and can't sleep till you say goodnight..the whispers have taken things to a whole different level..Even with the slight irritations of the day, I just feel that more patient because I am well and truly very happy. Its very new for me..I have not walked this path before with anyone.

Once again, I am unsure if I have answered your questions, but this has been a long one...lol!

Loving you every day...deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond by the grace of God.

Keep living, loving and learning...

Q and A: Is love enough?

One of the things I love about our relationship is that we make an effort to understand the other persons views on particular matters. Q and A are about the questions asked by either of us and the answer from the other person. This time its SO asking me if love is enough to sustain a relationship? I warn I do tend to ramble on but I hope I tried to answer the question!

Hmm

That's a deep one, I and a few friends debated about this a while ago and we didn't come to any conclusion but agreed to disagree. Some are of the opinion that love is not enough..you need commitment, integrity, fidelity e.t.c. I think differently because I think it depends on the definition of love that you use.

A lot of times we can't differentiate the 'being in love' with what it means to truly love someone. To love is to make a decision to stick with someone through thick and thin, on the days you feel like loving them and on the days you don't, on the days they make you smile and on the days they make you cry. That love is commitment, that love is integrity, that love is fidelity, that love is what Paul calls kind, patient, not self-seeking, always protecting, always trusting, always hoping and always persevering..not envious as well...no pestles allowed, lol! (1 Corinthians 13)

But we are human and thus imperfect and love is not static, but dynamic. I sent this in an email to my friend this morning..

'Love is like a seed that has been planted in both your hearts, it needs conducive conditions to germinate, it must be nurtured until it becomes a tree..an oak with roots down so deep, a trunk wide enough and big branches that will enable it to overcome any storm, this is the commitment you must be willing to make'

That takes work, a lot of us prefer to 'be in love' which of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, the attraction must be there, the feeling of love is important but we must all press to what I refer to as the 'higher call of love' which requires a lot, definitely because we must sacrifice at the altar of this love,  I must choose to sacrifice 'me' for 'us'

I still believe that with love one can overcome anything. I have known couples overcome what one would think they couldn't, even infidelity (from both partners)..because both were willing to work it out.  Its just that so many times couples allow the routine of living to erode the love, there is the day to day business of life and no nurturing, no growth and so the slightest breeze topples it over. It's like the story Jesus told about the buildings, one building on sand, one building on the rock. No matter how beautiful a building looks, how big it is, if adequate work has not been done on the foundation..it will topple eventually. Also love requires 2 people who are available and willing to make it work, this being the main responsibility of 1 person cannot work except the person just elects to stay because they just have to not because they want to..

A man I know wasn't speaking to his wife..I asked him why and he responded that 'until she makes peace with my mother and gives her due respect' I was so pained that day..I don't deny that his mother must be respected but that is so conditional in my opinion, the vows you took were not based on her respecting your mother but for you to love her unconditionally...but I am not him or her so I can't really comment on why people do what they do. But I see it often, people holding on to their 'ground' for so long they don't realise the other person packed up and left a long time ago..

Mmm, before this becomes like a dissertation (lol) I will conclude by saying 'being in love' with someone is not enough but loving them should be...this requires both partners though..

Hope you are having a great day..

I pray not only to be in love with you but to love you as well..deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond..

Me