Two days ago a friend of mine sent me a message informing me about Will Smith and Jada's decision to separate. This news hasn't been confirmed and I'm still praying its a rumour. Will and Jada are my favourite Hollywood couple..doesn't mean I agree with everything they say or do but I respect a lot of their thoughts and views on relationship. After 13 years together in Hollywood, I think one can even use the title 'relationship expert'..lol! However this news (Lord, let it be a lie) just made me think about marriage and how so many things happen behind closed doors. It got me thinking of another post I had read about accepting your partner for who s/he is and comparisons.
I learnt a lot from the relationship I was in prior to being with SO. There were many issues but I can be woman enough to say that on my end I missed out on the person who was because I was trying desperately to mold him into what I thought he should be. I tried not to bring that attitude with SO. While it is good to learn from other couples, both their triumphs and their mistakes, there's so much that happens behind closed doors that one is not privy too. There is really no man I wish SO was more like, because I know that majority of the time he is doing his best. His best as a human being can not be perfect, neither can mine. So we learn to dance even in that misunderstood area that is called our 'weaknesses.'
Sometimes when I read this blog, especially my early posts I hope I am not portraying that what we have is perfect because it isn't. But we aren't building for perfection, we are building for strength and we are building for a lifetime. I would rather live in a bungalow with a solid foundation that can stand the storm than in mansion built on sand. So now I don't allow anyone to make me feel bad. Why doesn't he look at me the way X looks at Mrs X? There's a lot of PDA (public displays of affection) out there and most I pray are genuine. Know your partner for who they are and if you know deep in your heart they are giving you their all, appreciate them. It doesn't mean that if I feel I need something he isn't giving at a particular time I can't ask for it. It's just that my assessment of where our relationship is, is based on our 'us' behind our own closed doors and not what someone defines it for us as.
Love.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Good relationships; Great relationships
I and SO watched 'Why did I get married 2' this past weekend. It took us ages to watch because we kept talking about the movie. There were some interesting points raised in the movie and it made me think about what makes a great relationship? Is there something like a great relationship? Is it too lofty to think that after the honeymoon phase, two years, five years from now we would only tolerate each other. Will we always be in love and love each other?
I've decided to note the lessons I learnt from all the characters.
Patricia (Janet Jackson)
The strength in vulnerability. She was the character that I related to the most out of the 4 women. I tend to want to be 'strong' by always acting as if I've got it all together. People come to me for advice on a variety of things including their relationships so its always been hard for me to scream 'I need help'! At the beginning of our relationship I learnt how detrimental keeping your partner out was. Effective communication should be the foundation of all relationships. It takes strength to admit that you need someone else. To allow someone else into your life to show them the good, bad and ugly. I'm learning how much I need people. I don't want to keep things in and just snap with disastrous consequences. Hmm...
Sheila (Jill Scott)
Leave the ex and the excess baggage that comes with it. When one has been in a bad relationship the temptation to punish the new partner for the wrongs of the past can be strong. We need to let go and move on. I learnt that SO is SO and while there are some ways in which I think all men are the same, my SO is my SO. Unique in his strengths, unique in his weaknesses as well. He isn't going anywhere because the ex left. He's here and he loves me.
Angela (Tasha Smith)
The importance of TRUST in a relationship. Because of the nature of his job, SO is big on confidentiality. Some people say if you trust the person you're with you should give them unlimited access to everything. Email passwords, phone passwords e.t.c. I think different, I think if he can trust you with his money then he trusts you...lol! No, I don't have the password to his phone or email account and he doesn't have mine either. I don't have anything to hide but we just don't roll like that. If at anytime he needs to access my email account I'll give it to him. I remember the first time he gave me his charge card to make a purchase, it was such a small thing and yet such a big thing as well. I learnt that while its important for both men and women to speak to each other with respect, its so much more important for a woman. Speaking to men not shouting at them and if we must shout we should do it within the confines of our own home. Trust is such a strong thing in keeping two people together when it is there and yet so fragile that it is easily broken.
Dianne (Sharon Leal)
Good relationship....great relationship. This was the one I and SO had the longest discussion on. On the surface we had a great looking couple. They looked and sounded fabulous, great jobs, great kids, great house in the suburbs. SO asked me why I thought despite having a great husband, Dianne had an 'emotional' affair with a colleague at work. I don't really know. I just assumed it was the 'sameness' that often occurs when you have been with someone for a long time. I haven't gotten there yet so really can't comment on it. What I do know is that its more difficult to build a tower than it is to fall from it. This morning we had a long chat. I've never been of the opinion that being in love and loving your spouse prevented you from being attracted to someone else. Its about fireproofing our relationship. No one hopes for a fire but we keep a working smoke alarm and a fire extinguisher just in case. There's this scene where she brings flowers home without a card and lies to her husband about it. We discussed what we thought was appropriate to tell or not tell your spouse. He asked me if I would bring flowers home given to me by another man..I think it depends. Depends under what circumstances they were given. I hope I can always be in my right mind enough not to accept gifts from someone I know admires me. These days I'm a bit more careful in how I relate with members of the opposite sex. If I think they're interested I just move far. SO says, 'don't smell something you're not going to eat, don't do lunch, don't go by, stay as far away from the edge as you can' and I think the same.
I think it was a wonderful family movie to watch. It made me think. I'm really passionate about enriching romantic and marital relationships around me. It just kind of came to me this morning. I really would like to help people see that love and marriage are beautiful words and can still be relevant in the 21st century. We've all made mistakes. I want to learn from mine and grow from mine.
Keep learning..
I've decided to note the lessons I learnt from all the characters.
Patricia (Janet Jackson)
The strength in vulnerability. She was the character that I related to the most out of the 4 women. I tend to want to be 'strong' by always acting as if I've got it all together. People come to me for advice on a variety of things including their relationships so its always been hard for me to scream 'I need help'! At the beginning of our relationship I learnt how detrimental keeping your partner out was. Effective communication should be the foundation of all relationships. It takes strength to admit that you need someone else. To allow someone else into your life to show them the good, bad and ugly. I'm learning how much I need people. I don't want to keep things in and just snap with disastrous consequences. Hmm...
Sheila (Jill Scott)
Leave the ex and the excess baggage that comes with it. When one has been in a bad relationship the temptation to punish the new partner for the wrongs of the past can be strong. We need to let go and move on. I learnt that SO is SO and while there are some ways in which I think all men are the same, my SO is my SO. Unique in his strengths, unique in his weaknesses as well. He isn't going anywhere because the ex left. He's here and he loves me.
Angela (Tasha Smith)
The importance of TRUST in a relationship. Because of the nature of his job, SO is big on confidentiality. Some people say if you trust the person you're with you should give them unlimited access to everything. Email passwords, phone passwords e.t.c. I think different, I think if he can trust you with his money then he trusts you...lol! No, I don't have the password to his phone or email account and he doesn't have mine either. I don't have anything to hide but we just don't roll like that. If at anytime he needs to access my email account I'll give it to him. I remember the first time he gave me his charge card to make a purchase, it was such a small thing and yet such a big thing as well. I learnt that while its important for both men and women to speak to each other with respect, its so much more important for a woman. Speaking to men not shouting at them and if we must shout we should do it within the confines of our own home. Trust is such a strong thing in keeping two people together when it is there and yet so fragile that it is easily broken.
Dianne (Sharon Leal)
Good relationship....great relationship. This was the one I and SO had the longest discussion on. On the surface we had a great looking couple. They looked and sounded fabulous, great jobs, great kids, great house in the suburbs. SO asked me why I thought despite having a great husband, Dianne had an 'emotional' affair with a colleague at work. I don't really know. I just assumed it was the 'sameness' that often occurs when you have been with someone for a long time. I haven't gotten there yet so really can't comment on it. What I do know is that its more difficult to build a tower than it is to fall from it. This morning we had a long chat. I've never been of the opinion that being in love and loving your spouse prevented you from being attracted to someone else. Its about fireproofing our relationship. No one hopes for a fire but we keep a working smoke alarm and a fire extinguisher just in case. There's this scene where she brings flowers home without a card and lies to her husband about it. We discussed what we thought was appropriate to tell or not tell your spouse. He asked me if I would bring flowers home given to me by another man..I think it depends. Depends under what circumstances they were given. I hope I can always be in my right mind enough not to accept gifts from someone I know admires me. These days I'm a bit more careful in how I relate with members of the opposite sex. If I think they're interested I just move far. SO says, 'don't smell something you're not going to eat, don't do lunch, don't go by, stay as far away from the edge as you can' and I think the same.
I think it was a wonderful family movie to watch. It made me think. I'm really passionate about enriching romantic and marital relationships around me. It just kind of came to me this morning. I really would like to help people see that love and marriage are beautiful words and can still be relevant in the 21st century. We've all made mistakes. I want to learn from mine and grow from mine.
Keep learning..
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Growing up
'When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me'
1st Corinthians 13:11
Over the weekend, I noticed that SO was a bit low. Its amazing that even via text messages someone can not 'sound' right. I asked him about it and he didn't want to talk about it. For some reason I was hurt. I just felt shut out. Hmm (I hmm a lot), all of a sudden my focus was on poor me and my feelings. He does get like that once in a while and if I'm honest I do too. I did tell him that I would prefer if he spoke to me but I understood if he didn't want to. I'm sorry but I was lying because I didn't really understand. Since then I've just felt this distance between us but it's more on my end if I'm being honest so when that message popped up this morning I kinda knew it was for me.
This week I learnt about time...its not so much that time heals the wound it just gives it the opportunity to heal. Like I said no matter how much we love someone sometimes we just need time...to open the windows and clear the room. Sometimes we need space. Not for ages but just to assert ourselves as an individual in a relationship because no matter how close you are even if you share a toothbrush you are an individual with wants and needs that sometimes differ from your partner.
Just realised that growing up comes with pain...when a baby gets his/her first teeth its uncomfortable, they are irritable but they need to persevere through it to the other side. Maturity is an essential requirement of any relationship. My reasoning and talking is childish because children are concerned about themselves, adults have to be responsible for someone else. A pain of growing up...but grow up we must if we are to have healthy relationships.
I'm happy that the verse quoted above separated reasoning from talking...I can be so childish in my reasoning sometimes and though I may not say anything to show how silly I am....our minds are powerful things. I had so many bad thoughts this week and totally unfounded ones at that. Well by the grace of God I'm getting there.
'I love you darling and these past few days I have missed you more than you can imagine. Its easier to write that I understand than it is to really understand but I trust you and I'm here if you need me. That's the growing up I was referring to earlier...'
Guess this is where the 'deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond' kicks in...
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