Day 30: Love Everyday..

Finally at the end of this journey. I started this in August. I was not really in a good place and my intention was to blog every day for 30 days to get my writing mojo back and clear my thoughts. I shared different things..hopefully serious and not so serious, thoughtful and funny. However it took me about  two months to complete it but I am getting back into my rhythm of writing regularly and I hope my next challenge will find me more consistent.

I've developed an interest in relationships, different kinds of relationships. What makes them great, what keeps them strong. I'm also interested in romantic relationships. Marriage is a beautiful thing..how do we get married and how do we stay married. How do we keep our love alive through the different scenes and seasons of life? Well this will be the ground where I dump my stories, personal and those that have been shared with me. Maybe someone will learn from my 'getting it wrong' stories and what I've read and trying to apply to my life.

Today I am just encouraging myself to love everyday. Every single day. Whatever it means and whatever it requires. I've learnt that love comes both with high and lows, love comes with laughter and tears. Love always calls for a higher level of living. Willing to live contrary to self and exalt 'us' over our individual persons.

Love. Live .Learn

Day 29: Keeping a cool head.

I read something this morning about 'opening windows when arguments are flying.' Conflict is inevitable but it can be managed. Today is about assuming the responsibility of giving silence when the other person is 'dishing it out.' Like a fire, arguments can escalate from a struck match to a raging inferno but for a fire to 'grow' it requires a fuel. Sometimes silence is taking the fuel out of the fire. It no longer becomes an argument but the other person expressing themselves..they aren't right to shout at you but shouting back doesn't achieve anything either.

Relationships are relationships, the principles that apply between partners also apply at work and in other family relationships. I am guilty of giving silence but in a more manipulative 'I am not speaking to you until you beg' sort of mood. This silence is having the emotional strength required to allow another person vent their frustrations (they may be wrong) to prevent the fire from raging. I'm not saying stand still for someone to be violent. I realised that for me most arguments start when I begin to raise my voice to match the other person, it only takes a few seconds for both of us to be screaming. However if I can try and maintain an even tone then the other person's voice usually starts lowering because they kind of look crazy if they don't..lol!

Easy advice to give, very practical. Difficult to live but I am learning that there is a difference between difficult and impossible. I make mistakes everyday but like a child learning to walk, I don't give up because I lost my temper today. I pray and ask God for forgiveness and to rely on His strength to ensure that tomorrow I don't.

I'm a firm believer that we can change things about our lives when we utilise the 'inside-out' approach. I feel like I am on a journey to becoming a better person. I don't know what the destination is and the journey is not always easy but I'm committed to being on it.

Learn.

Day 28: Preserve the friendship..

During a conversation at the weekend, SO brought up the fact that it is possible for 2 people to be partners but not friends and that friendship was an essential element in a spousal relationship. He mentioned friends who preferred doing things on their own without their partners. This is not to say that both become Siamese twins, its unhealthy (I'm discovering) not to have interests outside those he has and vice versa. Some days I just want to be on my own. However, on balance I would rather have him around than not. When something happens or someone forwards a joke, I want to share it with him. I like us to go out and watch movies together, read books together and be a big part of each others lives. For me, that is the only way to do it.

I am learning to take care of what the Bible calls 'the little foxes that spoil the vines.' I think it takes a deliberate effort to keep a relationship going strong. Anything left to itself eventually decays. We still have a long way to go. I hope I can be true to my writings, not perfect but true. It would be nice to read this in a few years and say 'Thank God I learnt that sooner rather than later.'

Love. Learn.

Day 27: Friend or Foe..

What would life be without friendship? I've been musing about my key relationships these days. I'm someone who has a lot of acquanitances but few people who I consider true friends. I've always been of the opinion that being a friend is an incredibly awesome responsibility that should not be taken lightly. Integrity is very important in any relationship and being open and honest. But what happens when you have something your friend isn't interested in hearing?

Should we still say? Or is preserving friendship the most important thing?Aren't we cheating our friends when we do not share our feelings. Are we foes for sharing the bitter truth? I am learning to ask myself questions before making to decision to say or keep quiet. 1. What is my motive; is my heart really in the right place? 2. What is the best way to communicate this feeling to my friend; is there a way I can package the message so it would be easy to receive?

I was once in a situation where I had serious concerns about a friend's relationship. I thought everything was rushed and she should be careful. But I kept quiet because I didn't want her to be upset with me. I didn't want her to feel that I didn't want her to be happy and so I said nothing. I regret that now, she ended up being married for what amounted to a few weeks. Maybe my words wouldn't have made a difference but I could have at least satisfied my heart that I had done what I knew to be right.

Friendship, such a simple word but sometimes the going so difficult.

Hmm...

Live. Learn.

Day 26: Keeping at it!

I don't always have 'that loving feeling' and some days the most loving thing I feel I do is doing the dishes or the laundry. But even when I don't feel like I want love to be a habit. Doing whether I feel like or not.

Love.

Day 25: Being a Lover

This is a #sharing one..

Presence is more than just being there - Malcolm Forbes

'What does it mean to be a lover? It is more than just being married to or making love to someone. Millions of people are married, millions of people have sex-but few are real lovers. To be a real lover, you must commit to and participate in a perpetual dance of intimacy with your partner.

You are a lover when you appreciate the gift that your partner is and celebrate that gift everyday. You are a lover when you remember that your partner does not belong to you-he or she is on loan from the universe. You are a lover when you realize that nothing that happens between you will be insignificant, that everything you say in the relationship has the potential to cause your beloved love or sorrow, and everything you do will either strengthen your connection or weaken it. 

You are a lover when you understand all this, and thus wake up each morning filled with gratitude that you have another day in which to love and enjoy your partner. When you have a lover in your life, you are richly blessed. You have chosen the gift of another person who has chosen to walk beside you. He or she will share your days and your nights, your bed and your burdens. Your lover will see secret parts of you that no one else sees. He or she will touch places on your body that no one else touches. Your lover will seek out where you have been hiding and create a haven for you within safe, loving arms.

Your lover offers you an abundance of miracles every day. He has the power to delight you with his smile, his voice, the scent of his neck, the way he moves. She has the power to banish your loneliness. He has the power to turn the ordinary into the sublime. She is your doorway to heaven here on earth.'

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D

Love.

Day 24: Changes

Something I read a few days ago has been on my mind all week. The difference between what we know and what we do. Deep within, I know that there are certain steps I need to take to get me to where I need to be. For example, I always seem to be thinking, talking, journalling about my weight. I know the changes I need to make to my diet. I know I need to be more active but I haven't really been doing anything about it. Just accumulating a lot of knowledge.

Change, constant and yet so difficult. I am inspired these days when I see and read of people overcoming all sorts of odds to achieve what was thought to be impossible for them. Therefore my next 30 days challenge is going to be more on a healthy lifestyle. If you can do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit. I'll be away for a few days as its my birthday this weekend. But I have this expectant feeling on the inside that wonderful things are in store for me.

Learn.

Day 23: Question

Still hanging in there. Today I have a question and I would really appreciate if someone would respond to this one, pretty please? The question is 'Would you ever go through your partner's email, Facebook account, phone, USB without their permission?

I know a lot of couples have a 100% disclosure policy to their relationship. I and SO don't. Let me clarify, we talk about everything that pertains to our 'us.' The rule is 'do to the other person what you would like them to do to you.' Anything that concerns the other person must be shared. However, SO's occupation means that he handles a lot of sensitive, confidential information and in some cases he has to sign confidentiality agreements. Privately, he does do quite a bit of counselling and well he likes to protect the identity of his counselees (is there such a word) and while he may discuss the case with me he doesn't tell me who they are (at least most of the time...lol!).

On the other hand, there are partners who cheat and hide behind 'I need my boundaries'. Recently a friend of mind confirmed (she already had her suspicions) her husband's affair after going through the texts on his phone. I know her method was illegitimate and the end doesn't always justify the means. But what's right or wrong.

Food for thought. Please let me know.

Love. Learn.

Day 22: Lol! Men and Women

I'm not liking this inconsistency for the last few days. Its been a good month. Haven't hit it 'all' but I can see good changes. Changing the way I see things and I am sure that this will be accompanied by a change in behaviour as well. I came across this list and it made me laugh so I'm sharing it here. Highlights once again the classic difference between men and women. After laughing however, I am determined not the be this woman. Instead of saying 'fine', I'm learning to say 'I feel hurt because..' hopefully the silent treatment days are behind me. I'll be honest, I'm not totally giving that one up because sometimes I feel SO hears me more when I'm quiet ha, ha. Anyway to any ladies who may read this, I suggest you share this with your partner/spouse. Communication aids understanding. At least then he knows what to watch out for. SO says he's compiling a dictionary to enable men understand women..lol!

Nine words women use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine!

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”. (I want to add in a clause here – this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” it will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying Get Lost!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response please refer to # 3.


Live.

Day 21: Heaven sent...to work here on earth

I really like this song. The line that gets me is 'I want to be the one who you believe in your heart is sent from heaven.' The last time I listened to this song, after my hmming and smiling I realised that irrespective of whether I or SO was or is sent from heaven the work to keep the love alive must be done here on earth. Hope you enjoy it and thank God for who is Heaven sent to you.

For some reason I can't embed the video : (

Love.

Day 20: Friendship

Yesterday I was reminded of the power of friendship. I like to think that I'm a loner that the highest form of living is independence. This is untrue. Interdependence is, where I am independent enough, secure enough to know that acknowledging I need someone else is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

I'm grateful for the love of my friends. For the times we have shared, the good and the bad. Those who have stuck with me through different scenes and seasons. Even in romantic relationships, I think it is the friendship that keeps two people together more than anything else.

As the days go by, I've seen so many examples of how I haven't been a good friend and I really want to try and correct that. We need each other, we were not designed to walk this road of life alone.

Love. Learn.

Day 19: Getting a Life..

I would file this post under 'Getting It Wrong.' This blog is about sharing what I'm learning, inevitably that means sharing mistakes I've made and correcting them. I read a book a few years ago when I was single called 'The 10 Commandments of Dating' and the very first commandment was 'Thou shalt get a life.' This was just to encourage single people to live whilst waiting for Mr or Miss Right. There is a difference between being alive and living. I have spent periods of my life just going from day to day, literally counting down time to know the difference.

I've been guilty of not having a life. Of trying to get everything I need from our relationship. No relationship, no matter how healthy is designed to take this type of pressure. I realised recently that some dissatisfaction and disappointment I had been experiencing lately which I wanted to blame on my poor SO had absolutlely nothing to do with him. Emotionally healthy people make an emotionally healthy relationship. Women in particular tend to be guilty of this. I don't know how many older women have told me to always remember the 'me in us.' Not that I shouldn't love him or even put his needs over mine. Love is about sacrifice but that I should never forget the me in us. I should remember to have my time, my goals, my dreams and my destiny.

I'm blessed because so far SO has been very supportive and even though right now I'm at a cross roads so to speak I believe I have a one-man fan club encouraging me in the right direction. If I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing I'll be happy and fulfilled. That can only be good for us both. So I'm celebrating getting a life. Whatever path the road takes, I pray never to lose sight of who I am. I'm getting a life.

Learn. Live.

Day 18: Solitude

Not too many words today. Its about finding rest for my soul. Still learning to practice the art of silence and meditation. Sometimes its good to shut everything and everyone out, connect with our Maker, recharge and restore.

Love.Live.Learn.

Day 18: On Love and other things..

'I don't think there is any substitute for love. Nothing else compares or compensates for it. Being liked is often not enough, love is it. So intangible, often indescribable  yet so uniquely important. Love comes with endurance, the strength that makes you stay in the race even when you're tired and want to give up. It makes you commit to live with a person who isn't perfect and learn to adapt to them bringing both their strengths and weaknesses into your life.  Love is respect, respecting your person and opinions, respecting that you matter. Have I told you lately that I love you? You fill my heart with gladness and take away my sadness. Love you always.'


First, I just want to say thanks to all who commented on my last post. It's encouraging when people leave comments : ) The above is what I call a 'word-collage' from different messages I received from SO in the last few days. Well the last sentence is a line from his favourite song. People ask me if love is the only thing required to keep a relationship strong and last the test of time. I used to say 'Yes' but now I say 'Yes and No'. I think it depends on what we define love as. Romantic love is definitely not enough but love and the other things it comes with should be. Things like respect, endurance, commitment, fidelity, integrity. I still have a very long way to go on this journey but learning from people who have been successful these traits and characteristics seem to be a common thread. Whatever people want to call it whether love or other things the important thing is for me to have it in my life so that I can use it in my relationship. If I don't have integrity, I won't bring integrity into my relationship.

Well its the weekend and I'm having a very quiet one but I just want to say that we should tell someone we love them. It doesn't matter who as long as its genuine. Have a wonderful one.

Love.

Day 17: Letting It Go

I don't know how to let things go. Physically, emotionally otherwise. Every time I do a clean up, I see some things I have been hanging onto for years. I try and justify my reasons for hanging on to the things.'you never know when you might need this' etc..lol! And some of them are so insignificant, notes from people I no longer speak to, a to do list for a day that was 3 years ago..LOL! I was laughing to myself until I began to think about my heart. About some issues and some people where I hadn't let things go. The real word is forgiveness but sometimes that sounds too heavy to deal with.

Of course I smile and I am polite with them, I say 'Don't worry, its ok' but I have been lying to people and lying to myself. The thing is that my heart just like my room was only designed to handle so much at a time. Space is limited and after a while its all just clutter and there's no room to move...no room to love. These days I keep repeating to myself 'do you want to be right or be reconciled?' and I need room so I am learning to let things go.

Its easy to write 'letting it go' but I have been breathing really deeply. To forgive is to release. There is this temporary feeling of joy I have when I say 'I'm letting this issue go' but after a while my emotions begin to change and the anger resurfaces. I used to let this make me feel bad and keep trying to 'feel the forgiveness.' I just realised that expecting those feelings and emotions put me in a better place to deal with them. Like love, forgiveness is a decision I must make every single time when feelings go out of sync. So on this journey, its little letting go of the 'junk' both physically and emotionally.

There's just too much love to give and receive in this world for me to be crowding my life with some things anymore. Thank God for clarity.

Love. Live.

Day 16: Communication

I feel good when I know to do good and I do it. When there is a difference between what I feel and what I know to be true and I choose to go against my emotions and stick with the facts. So I give myself a big pat on the back today. I shared a lot of things with SO yesterday..early on in our relationship I knew I would have to work big time on my communication skills because I am a keeper and not a good sharer. When I said what I had to say..I felt so naked..lol! I think the Bible verse where it says 'and they were naked and not ashamed' wasn't just about the physical. In nakedness, everything is exposed the good, the bad and the ugly but that's the beauty of love isn't it, that someone can see all that and still choose to be with you.

When he turned round and told me 'Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I know that it must have been difficult but I'm really glad you did. Communication is very important and it has to come from both of us, it helps us understand each other.' That made me happy and made me wonder why I usually hold back. I guess I like to look perfect so I'm hesitant to share anything that makes me look flawed..lol! 

I guess 'communication' will be the most used word on this blog because it's one of those foundational things. And if the foundation isn't strong, nothing built on it will stand the test of time. I'm also learning that things I'm learning through my relationship with SO is making my other relationships stronger. I'm learning to communicate better with my friends and strengthening my relationships through taking the step to love my family and friends unconditionally.

You should be able to talk about anything with your partner. Anything and everything...the mundane and the vital. If it can keep me awake at night, I should be able to talk about it. Hmm..

Learn.

Day 15: Halfway there..

So today I thought I'd have some fun. I'm in bed feeling fluish, aches, fever the works and trying to put myself in a good mood.  I got this from a blog I used to read before I even started blogging. It's more a getting to know 'G' sort of blog. Anyway, I'm celebrating the halfway point on my journey. I feel so much better than where I was when I started, externally I must say that not much has changed but I'm beginning to feel the wheels turning on the inside. I'm happy.


A One Woman 60 Questions Interview


1. What time did you get up this morning? 0500...hate being sick.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Something very simple and elegant about pearls..understated chic
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I can't remember what we saw but it was over 6 months ago! Now that's long for me.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Right now, its 'The Borgias' but I'm a '24' widow
5. What did you have for breakfast? An orange and an apple, I have that chalky taste in my mouth
6. What is your middle name? Nothing. For some reason my parents thought that 1 name was sufficient..
7. What is your favorite cuisine/meal? Italian but for something special Thai.
8. What foods do you dislike? Cheese, though I eat pizza. SO finds this very weird. I also pick out the pepperoni.
9. Your favorite Potato chip? Wedges
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Women of Faith-Worship CD
11. What kind of car do you drive? Nothing at the moment.
12.Favorite sandwich? Tuna and sweetcorn
13. What characteristics do you despise? Rudeness
14. Favorite item of clothing? Dresses. So comfy and hide a multitude of 'sins'
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? The Bahamas
16. What color is your bathroom? Mainly brown
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Chanel...Classic white and black..hmm
18. Where would you want to retire? maybe.. The Bahamas
19. Favorite time of day? Early in the morning
20. What was the last thing you read and liked? 'The Memory of Love' by Aminatta Forna
21. Favorite sport(s) to watch? Football
22. Who do you least expect to respond to this? I don't know
23. Person you expect to respond first? Same as above
24. What laundry scent do you use? Lenor
25. Coke or Pepsi? Not a fizzy fan, prefer a Cranberry
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I love the early hours, the quiet the peace
27. What size shoe do you wear? European 41
28. Do you have pets? No
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm happy..
30. What did you want to be when you were little? Pediatrician
31. Favorite Candy Bar? Toblerone
32. What is your best childhood memory? Travelling with my family
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Checkout staff, Administrative Assistant, Teacher
34. What color/type underwear are you? White/Boys shorts
35.Nicknames: Just shorter variations of my names
36. Piercings ? I'm very conservative so just my ears
37. Eye color? Brown
38. Ever been to Africa? Yes but haven't been anywhere outside West Africa. I would like to go to Kenya and South Africa
39. Ever been toilet papering or rolling? No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? I used to giggle when I saw brides cry at their weddings but I think I understand why now.
41. Been in a car accident? No
42. Croutons or bacon bits? Neither
43.Favorite day of the week? Wednesday because its halfway point
44. Favorite restaurant? No favourites
45. Favorite flower? Tulips
46. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla
47. Favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King for a Whopper and fries from McDonalds..lol
48. What color is your bedroom carpet? Brown
49. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I don't want to lie..lol!
50. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? A friend
51. Which stores would you choose to max out your credit card? It would be somewhere that sold really pretty shoes
52. What do you do most often when you are bored? Read
53. Bedtime? Depends on what's happening
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? No one
55. Last person you went to dinner with? SO
56. What are you listening to right now? Shuffling songs on the iPod
57. What is your favorite color? Brown
58. Lake, Ocean or river? Ocean speaks to me of vastness, that I shouldn't be small minded, the earth is filled with endless possibilities
59. How many tattoos do you have? None
60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I'll go with the egg. Things usually start small, trees come from seeds, babies from a fertilised egg that's so tiny.


That was fun! 


Love.Live

Day 14: Stamps

I'm still here and still hanging on. Had a busy weekend and another test where I had the option to take the higher mature path or an immature one. To make myself happy, I think I'm somewhere in the middle..lol! The word stamps just came into my head as I logged in. Its about sticking with something until one gets to the desired destination. I'm almost halfway there, it took me some time to get there but I'm celebrating today. Day 14. I will make it to 30, no matter how long it takes me.

Live.

Day 13: Behind Closed Doors

Two days ago a friend of mine sent me a message informing me about Will Smith and Jada's decision to separate. This news hasn't been confirmed and I'm still praying its a rumour. Will and Jada are my favourite Hollywood couple..doesn't mean I agree with everything they say or do but I respect a lot of their thoughts and views on relationship. After 13 years together in Hollywood, I think one can even use the title 'relationship expert'..lol! However this news (Lord, let it be a lie) just made me think about marriage and how so many things happen behind closed doors. It got me thinking of another post I had read about accepting your partner for who s/he is and comparisons.

I learnt a lot from the relationship I was in prior to being with SO. There were many issues but I can be woman enough to say that on my end I missed out on the person who was because I was trying desperately to mold him into what I thought he should be. I tried not to bring that attitude with SO. While it is good to learn from other couples, both their triumphs and their mistakes, there's so much that happens behind closed doors that one is not privy too. There is really no man I wish SO was more like, because I know that majority of the time he is doing his best. His best as a human being can not be perfect, neither can mine. So we learn to dance even in that misunderstood area that is called our 'weaknesses.'

Sometimes when I read this blog, especially my early posts I hope I am not portraying that what we have is perfect because it isn't. But we aren't building for perfection, we are building for strength and we are building for a lifetime. I would rather live in a bungalow with a solid foundation that can stand the storm than in mansion built on sand. So now I don't allow anyone to make me feel bad. Why doesn't he look at me the way X looks at Mrs X? There's a lot of PDA (public displays of affection) out there and most I pray are genuine. Know your partner for who they are and if you know deep in your heart they are giving you their all, appreciate them. It doesn't mean that if I feel I need something he isn't giving at a particular time I can't ask for it. It's just that my assessment of where our relationship is, is based on our 'us' behind our own closed doors and not what someone defines it for us as.

Love.

Day 12: Right or Reconciled

These days I read a lot of 'relationship' blogs, I'm intrigued on what other people's thoughts are regarding relationships and how their love stories are acted out. I must say I've learnt a lot, well I have assimilated a lot of information that I hope I will apply if and when the need arises. Relationships are very personal, what works for a couple may not necessarily work for me but I believe that there are some foundational principles that apply to all couples.

I was reading a blog where the writer asked her parents who were celebrating their 54th (yes 54th) wedding anniversary what they thought was necessary for love that lasts a lifetime. There was a list but out of that list the biggest point that stood out for me was 'decide if you'd rather be right or reconciled.' I shared the list with SO and he asked me why that particular point resonated with me the most. Writing my response below made me realise how much growing up I still have to do..lol! Sorry if the beginning doesn't make any sense.

I was looking at it from a different perspective. I don't like to be at the receiving end of ultimatum's so I try not to give them either.

I was thinking more along the lines of my thought processes when someone does something that hurts me and I keep them 'outside' because really that is what the silence is, creating a 'barrier' between me and them. It doesn't really matter if it was intentional or not.

'They' are wrong for what they did and my response is right and justified...Especially where no apology is forthcoming...lol! But being right can be lonely because barriers that keep others out also keep one in. So most times its more important to be reconciled than right.

Its funny how some things I think look when I actually write them down. Anyway we live and learn.

I have seen couples rejoice over battles they have won and then realise in stunned dismay that they have lost the war. Sometimes I'm right and he's wrong but at the end of the day I still want there to be an 'us' so reconciliation will always rank higher than being right. 


Love. Learn

N.B Giving myself a pat on the back for sticking out with my eating plan.