Making room for disappointment..

I came across an interesting statistic this week in this article on the Marriage Gems blog. That 76% of men would remarry their wives, yet only 50% of women would remarry their husbands. This indicates that men are generally happier in their relationships than women are. Hmm...I found this interesting because I always thought it would be the other way around.

Another statistic that was mentioned was that 80% of divorces were filed by women. Now I'm not sure if this is in the States where the writer lives and if these statistics cross borders but it got me thinking. Maybe women are just tired especially now when some have to bring in a second income and still be the primary caregiver. But I wonder, maybe just wonder if sometimes we don't make room for disappointment. SO sent me a message a few days ago 'I am not perfect but I will always try my best and love you unconditionally.' I realised recently that even though I mentally acknowledge he is not perfect, I had never made room for disappointment.

When someone loves you they will not deliberately (at least I think so) do something to hurt you. But because they are not perfect (just like us) they will hurt us (just like we would hurt them). Hmm..there must be room for disappointment. Freeing him from the expectation to be perfect. It isn't easy, when you are hurt, you are hurt and it doesn't matter whether it was a deliberate act or not. But I am one of those people who have difficulty letting go of things and I realise that if I don't nip this habit in the bud I can easily make big things out of little things.

I guess its the difference between falling in love and learning to love everyday. I must love the whole person...not just the bits I like. I wrote something in my journal which I called the final word. 

The final word, after all is said and done, after arguments and disagreements, after speech and silence is that I know that he loves me and I know that I love him. I don't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. Home will always be him.

Love.

Day 30: Love Everyday..

Finally at the end of this journey. I started this in August. I was not really in a good place and my intention was to blog every day for 30 days to get my writing mojo back and clear my thoughts. I shared different things..hopefully serious and not so serious, thoughtful and funny. However it took me about  two months to complete it but I am getting back into my rhythm of writing regularly and I hope my next challenge will find me more consistent.

I've developed an interest in relationships, different kinds of relationships. What makes them great, what keeps them strong. I'm also interested in romantic relationships. Marriage is a beautiful thing..how do we get married and how do we stay married. How do we keep our love alive through the different scenes and seasons of life? Well this will be the ground where I dump my stories, personal and those that have been shared with me. Maybe someone will learn from my 'getting it wrong' stories and what I've read and trying to apply to my life.

Today I am just encouraging myself to love everyday. Every single day. Whatever it means and whatever it requires. I've learnt that love comes both with high and lows, love comes with laughter and tears. Love always calls for a higher level of living. Willing to live contrary to self and exalt 'us' over our individual persons.

Love. Live .Learn

Day 28: Preserve the friendship..

During a conversation at the weekend, SO brought up the fact that it is possible for 2 people to be partners but not friends and that friendship was an essential element in a spousal relationship. He mentioned friends who preferred doing things on their own without their partners. This is not to say that both become Siamese twins, its unhealthy (I'm discovering) not to have interests outside those he has and vice versa. Some days I just want to be on my own. However, on balance I would rather have him around than not. When something happens or someone forwards a joke, I want to share it with him. I like us to go out and watch movies together, read books together and be a big part of each others lives. For me, that is the only way to do it.

I am learning to take care of what the Bible calls 'the little foxes that spoil the vines.' I think it takes a deliberate effort to keep a relationship going strong. Anything left to itself eventually decays. We still have a long way to go. I hope I can be true to my writings, not perfect but true. It would be nice to read this in a few years and say 'Thank God I learnt that sooner rather than later.'

Love. Learn.

Day 25: Being a Lover

This is a #sharing one..

Presence is more than just being there - Malcolm Forbes

'What does it mean to be a lover? It is more than just being married to or making love to someone. Millions of people are married, millions of people have sex-but few are real lovers. To be a real lover, you must commit to and participate in a perpetual dance of intimacy with your partner.

You are a lover when you appreciate the gift that your partner is and celebrate that gift everyday. You are a lover when you remember that your partner does not belong to you-he or she is on loan from the universe. You are a lover when you realize that nothing that happens between you will be insignificant, that everything you say in the relationship has the potential to cause your beloved love or sorrow, and everything you do will either strengthen your connection or weaken it. 

You are a lover when you understand all this, and thus wake up each morning filled with gratitude that you have another day in which to love and enjoy your partner. When you have a lover in your life, you are richly blessed. You have chosen the gift of another person who has chosen to walk beside you. He or she will share your days and your nights, your bed and your burdens. Your lover will see secret parts of you that no one else sees. He or she will touch places on your body that no one else touches. Your lover will seek out where you have been hiding and create a haven for you within safe, loving arms.

Your lover offers you an abundance of miracles every day. He has the power to delight you with his smile, his voice, the scent of his neck, the way he moves. She has the power to banish your loneliness. He has the power to turn the ordinary into the sublime. She is your doorway to heaven here on earth.'

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D

Love.

Day 20: Friendship

Yesterday I was reminded of the power of friendship. I like to think that I'm a loner that the highest form of living is independence. This is untrue. Interdependence is, where I am independent enough, secure enough to know that acknowledging I need someone else is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

I'm grateful for the love of my friends. For the times we have shared, the good and the bad. Those who have stuck with me through different scenes and seasons. Even in romantic relationships, I think it is the friendship that keeps two people together more than anything else.

As the days go by, I've seen so many examples of how I haven't been a good friend and I really want to try and correct that. We need each other, we were not designed to walk this road of life alone.

Love. Learn.

Day 18: On Love and other things..

'I don't think there is any substitute for love. Nothing else compares or compensates for it. Being liked is often not enough, love is it. So intangible, often indescribable  yet so uniquely important. Love comes with endurance, the strength that makes you stay in the race even when you're tired and want to give up. It makes you commit to live with a person who isn't perfect and learn to adapt to them bringing both their strengths and weaknesses into your life.  Love is respect, respecting your person and opinions, respecting that you matter. Have I told you lately that I love you? You fill my heart with gladness and take away my sadness. Love you always.'


First, I just want to say thanks to all who commented on my last post. It's encouraging when people leave comments : ) The above is what I call a 'word-collage' from different messages I received from SO in the last few days. Well the last sentence is a line from his favourite song. People ask me if love is the only thing required to keep a relationship strong and last the test of time. I used to say 'Yes' but now I say 'Yes and No'. I think it depends on what we define love as. Romantic love is definitely not enough but love and the other things it comes with should be. Things like respect, endurance, commitment, fidelity, integrity. I still have a very long way to go on this journey but learning from people who have been successful these traits and characteristics seem to be a common thread. Whatever people want to call it whether love or other things the important thing is for me to have it in my life so that I can use it in my relationship. If I don't have integrity, I won't bring integrity into my relationship.

Well its the weekend and I'm having a very quiet one but I just want to say that we should tell someone we love them. It doesn't matter who as long as its genuine. Have a wonderful one.

Love.

Day 3: Shh

'Are you willing to give silence when your spouse needs a little quiet time?'


This was my lesson yesterday. To learn to be quiet, not the mad quiet....not the I'm going to show you quiet...lol! I'm really good at those two. No I mean the 'I know you love me but ever so often you need time to be on your own, you need a little quiet time, so even though I don't understand why, I am willing to give silence.'

Hmm, I am beginning to realise the difference between knowledge and wisdom. My head is full of so much information but it is beginning to seep to my heart where the greatest change needs to occur. I think women don't really understand men's quiet phases because we tend to keep quiet when we are upset. They really are different from us.

So I'm willing to give silence..this is different from a breakdown in communication. Wisdom is having the knowledge and correctly applying it where you need it. I seem to be in a permanent 'hmm' zone these days like seeing things in a totally different light.

Love deeply and genuinely. It may be difficult sometimes but it is indeed a higher calling.

Love. Live. Learn

The Power of Love

I love Il Divo. I don't understand half of what they're saying (I always check the translations later) but there's something about their music where I feel that I can put the words in myself and I perfectly understand what they're saying.

How strong is love? The Teacher said that 'many waters cannot quench love'. If we could only allow ourselves to get over ourselves and see it as more than an emotion but something we make a commitment to do everyday maybe we could all do better jobs at it.

Just wanted to share the lyrics of this song...

La Fuerza Mayor ( The Power of Love)

I will protect you from your fears
I am your prince charming
An angel from heaven
There is no more to fear

Today, like yesterday I will always have
Only your love is important
Here I am

The greatest power
is in love
It comes from inside
Our great aim is to share it out
You need to show it
With your heart

I promise I will take care of you
And will live only to love you
When you be sad, there I will be
With this immense love that
I feel for you and you will not cry anymore
You will be the only one

Only your love is the important, give it to me
Here I am




Love.

Giving You the Best I've Got

This is one of my favourite songs. There is a way in which it is almost a biography of our relationship so far. I think I should let the lyrics do the talking...

Ain't there something I can give you
In exchange for everything you give to me
Read my mind and make me feel just fine
When I think my peace of mind is out
of reach

The scales are sometimes unbalanced
And you bear the weight of all that has to be
I hope you see that you can lean on me
And together we can calm a stormy sea

We love so strong and so unselfishly
And I tell you now that I made a vow
I'm giving you the best that I got, baby
Yes I tell you now, that I made a vow
I'm giving you the best that I got, honey

Everybody's got opinions
'Bout the way they think our story's gonna end
Some folks feel it's just a superficial thrill
Everybody's gonna have to think again

We love so strong and so unselfishly
They don't bother me so I'm gonna keep on
Giving you the best that I got, baby
They don't bother me, said I'm gonna keep on
Giving you the best that I got, listen baby

Somebody understands me
Somebody gave his heart to me
I stumbled my whole life long
Always on my own, now I'm home

My weary mind is rested
And I feel as if my home is in your arms
Fears are all gone, I like the sound of your song
And I think I want to sing it forever

We love so strong and so unselfishly
And I made a vow so I tell you now
I'm giving you the best that I got, baby
I bet everything on my wedding ring
I'm giving you the best that I got,
givin' it to you baby




Love...

1, 2, 1?

It always sad when one heart becomes two. It is so much easier to join than it is to separate what has been joined. I was speaking to an elderly gentleman yesterday and he told me 'You don't ever want to know what it feels like not to want to go home. To look for excuses not to go home.' I had so many questions for him...I'm curious by nature but the timing and setting just wasn't right. How did you go from one heart to two? From one life to two separate lives...joined together by name but as far apart as being on two different continents. I prayed for him this morning and his wife that their hearts would find their way back to each other, back home.

I sent SO a text today;

'I pray I never lose you....'emotionally' that it. Even though it's always difficult when we're physically separated I know it will be much worse if we were ever to become strangers in our own home.'

SO responded:

'I pray and hope not darling. I pray and hope that we will be a beacon for others to follow.'


Great relationships are hard work. Sometimes I feel like I've put in my 100% and surely no one expects me to put in anymore but I am learning that God gives the grace for that extra and I pray that I can always give it. Its not about perfection but putting in your very best and sometimes that means really stretching 'me' to the limit so that 'us' can reign.

I don't know what is happening to me but I am falling in love with this man more and more everyday.

Love. Live

60 Minute Marriage..

I read the above titled book by Rob Parsons yesterday morning. From start to finish. The whole book. Its one of the best books I've read on relationships, marriage and parenting that I've read in a long time. He wrote it so that it could be read in an hour. It took me a bit longer because I was furiously making notes like there was an exam after that hour! My notes were my gift to SO yesterday and he really loved it. In his words, 'this is to be studied and not merely read!' I would like to share that email with you but as I lifted every single word directly from the book I think there will be copyright issues with that!

How to transform your marriage in an hour! Definitely worth the read. What I will share are the main points of the book, he describes them as the goals partners should aim for in marriage. To get more, read the book!

Communication
Learning to talk again and to give each other the dignity of knowing that they matter. Try to have an evening once a week for just the two of you. Defend it with your life
Don't confuse your partners need for space with rejection


Make time

In the 21st century, time pressure is killing relationships. We can live in the same house and still be strangers if we don't make time to really spend time with each other. I am really guilty of this one but hopefully my 30 Day challenge is helping me look for ways to actually bridge gaps and spend quality if not always quantity time.

To Survive Conflict

There will be conflict but it doesn't have to be a horrible thing. We must learn to deal with it. Attack issues and not people. Stick to those issues and remember the magic word FORGIVENESS. Learn to be the first to apologise.

To Accept what I can't change

While life is about change, people find change difficult. Don't be so focused on who you want your partner to be that you miss out on who they really are. We must love the whole package both the bits we like and those we don't. I would rather that SO loved long phone conversations but he doesn't and he makes it up to me in other ways so I have learnt to live with it. The refusal to accept what I couldn't change destroyed my last relationship. I am learning my lessons.


To be a Ghostbuster

We come into marriage with ourselves. That sounds funny but its true. We bring our hopes, dreams, fears, most importantly we bring our past. I spent a long time on this one because I know that my reaction to certain things are based mainly on what I saw in my parents marriage and in my previous relationship. I need to be more self-aware and ask myself why I react to certain things in a certain way. My inability to share my problems, my perfectionism, my sometimes critical response to certain situations. Hmm.. He recommends sharing with our partners our past hurts, heartbreaks and disappointments. Our partners deserve this, it provides context and promotes understanding.


To Believe in Lovemaking
Rob says that we should forget the Hollywood myths. Every couple will at some point experience a 'dry spell.' He/she may not be that interested. Men want women to initiate and be more available for sex. Women want men to be more affectionate, for her lovemaking starts long before the bedroom. There must be a way we can meet somewhere and be in a win/win situation. Read a book, get counselling whatever it takes for you to get your groove back.


To Dispel the Illusions

Marriage is more than romance. Sometimes its a dance and sometimes you're fighting to keep it alive. Forget thinking that you will be happier with someone else. The grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs mowing. I want to have a wonderful marriage. I want SO to be the happiest man alive because he's married to me. Its my goal and that's what I will keep working towards.

The 30 Day Challenge

My friend AZ told me about a talk she listened to recently with the above title. Basically its about doing something everyday for 30 consecutive days. It was really interesting. Inspired by my friend, I've decided to try and apply that to my relationship as well. So for the next 30 days I've decided to consciously do something special/nice for SO. This has to be independent of anything he does in return. I just realised that I'm falling into this funny pattern of 50-50. I'll meet you where you are. This morning on my way to work a question fell into my spirit. 'Could you just love him, be giving, be kind without any expectations, any returns?' Of course love is giving and taking but like the quote in my last post. 90% giving and 10% taking. Hmm...

I was going to send him 30 letters. Vulnerability is not my strength, I know that there are still some places that I have not allowed SO into and this was going to be a way of sharing. But I guess that could get boring and mundane so I'm going to look for other ways to say 'I love you and you mean so much to me.'

This morning was a text message. It wasn't really a big thing but it was so appreciated it and I ended up feeling really good myself. I guess I need to get my creative cap on for the next 29 days. Love is much more about giving than receiving.

Keep loving..

Relationship MOT

Its been such a long time since I've been here. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to actually write here again. I can actually see the cobwebs clearing...lol! I guess after a while of writing on a blog, I've got to the point where I would like to interact. To share my thoughts and have other people share my world. Hmm. I had a huge writing project and after handing that in just found writing difficult and I am just slowly going back to my journals and coming back here.

Now more than ever, I am even more interested in relationships. What makes a good one? How do we not allow time to erode what we have? How do we keep it all together. I read the following set of questions in my devotional a few months ago and shared them with SO. We called it a 'Relationship MOT' because we believe that they are truly important things to think about and honestly search for an answer to. Wanted to keep them close so decided to post them here.


A successful marriage is a give-and-take relationship with each party doing 90% giving and only 10% taking! Here are 10 questions to ask yourself about your ability to give and take.

 1. Are you willing to give silence when your spouse needs a little quiet time?
 2. Are you willing to take a rebuke and let it rest unchallenged?
 3. Are you willing to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt?
 4. Are you willing to take on an extra chore when you know your spouse is stressed out?
 5. Are you willing to give a word of spontaneous encouragement?
 6. Are you willing to take time to spend with your spouse - alone and without interruption?
7. Are you willing to give your spouse the courtesy of 'please' and 'thank you'?
 8. Are you willing to take a 'time out' when an argument appears to be overheating?
 9. Are you willing to give a compliment?
 10. Are you willing to take a criticism? 

SO's Letters

SO's away for 2 weeks : ( . I actually thought that I would be so happy to have some me time...lol! But I actually miss him a lot...lol! So I decided to try and reignite the old art of letter writing. I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter. In these days of texts and pokes its difficult for me to even order my thoughts coherently but I thought I'd give it a go.


Sweetheart,


Its been about 5 days since I waved you goodbye and like I promised there was no waterworks. I used to laugh at SY when she talked about how she felt when her hubby was going to be away but I think I understand the feeling now and I kind of pray that it will always be this way. Talking to you yesterday just wrapped the whole day for me...like ice cream with Bramble apple pie....lol!


I think its human nature to not realise the value of what you have until you lose it. Looking back at our issues over the last few weeks just makes me realise how important love is and how much we don't realise how little time we have. Today I'm just grateful to have a man that loves me the way you do. Honestly, genuinely and with everything. I'm grateful to have someone to share my life with....the easy bits and the difficult bits too. I'm grateful that there's someone I can learn to be vulnerable with. Because I know that I am so far from there but I'm getting there...at least I'm working on getting there.


I am looking forward to our life together. When I look back at the odds of us actually being together I sometimes wonder if I should start to believe in fate because the odds were surely stacked high against us and even though in some ways it still feels that way I'm confident that we'll do our best to always overcome them.


Come home soon darling. I miss you.


LUL.

Untitled

I've been thinking about relationships a lot these days.  What makes a good one? Are love and marriage really worth it? How do two strangers come to inhabit one world and how do they end up becoming two strangers again?

Why do we go for 'me-preservation' instead of us? Why do we so easily forget where we started? I know the emotions, the 'butterflies' are not eternal but at the end of the day what's happening to the love?

Hmm...

Marriage and happiness...Antonyms?

'Every marriage is made up of two flawed people. That includes you and your partner. It's not that we don't know it, it's that we keep forgetting it, or hoping that we're the exception to the rule. Expecting perfection is naive and will keep undermining your relationship. Happiness in marriage depends on coming to terms with your mutual defects and dealing with them realistically.'

The Word for you Today

If I got a penny for every time I lived by what I've just written above I would be one very rich lady. Two flawed people....but I always expect perfection. I have this joke with SO about being the perfect partner...complete with batteries. When we fight I don't know why everything I know flies out of the window. 

We had a misunderstanding recently. We've both been pulling long hours and well its been a stressful couple of weeks. We both retreat into our bubbles when we are upset for fear of saying something  we'll both regret. However, one end of the spectrum is not better than the other. We should aim for a balance where people can express themselves in a non-destructive manner. Sometimes when we say what needs to be said, feelings can be hurt in the process. It is important to know your partner, what their silence means, what their smiles mean. 

On my end my 'walls' just went up. My 'walls' have always been my defense mechanism against being hurt...lol! It's silly but its what I do. Even after the apology...we both apologised to each other...I was still having a hard time letting it go. In my own way, I felt he was getting off the hook 'too easy' but this morning I read that devotional. I should live knowing I am not perfect, he should live knowing I am not perfect. A mental assertion of the fact is not enough...it's the daily living. Marriage is about two forgivers living together.

So he will say some things I don't want to hear and I'll probably do the same. Marriage and happiness don't have to be antonyms...by the grace of God they can even be synonyms. I learnt that if you're a believer it is important to keep God at the centre of your life and your marriage as well. We can be wrong but God is always right. I look at my last post and laugh. Nothing prepares you for being in a relationship like being in a relationship.

Keep living, loving and learning...

Question time: Preparing for marriage

SO sent me this questions a while ago. I think he got it from one of his 'for my eyes only' magazines. I don't have a problem with them, from what he shares he is picking up things that have enhanced our relationship on different levels. The questions therefore are aimed at men but could also be answered by both genders. They require simply a Yes or No and yet they provide so much food for thought. 


1. Can you be comfortable with being completely vulnerable with your spouse? Or do you see this as a weakness?


2. Can you permanently control your ego and deal with your spouse without any attitude?


3. Can you settle for less or do you always have to win an argument?


4. Could you let go and kiss your partner goodnight after a row?


I could only answer Yes to 3 and 4. I could try for Yes with 2 but for the word permanent. 1, I know that I am still working on. For vulnerability has for a long time for me been viewed as weakness and I am just gradually allowing SO in; into my thoughts, my fears, my weaknesses and my strengths. 


Sometimes I do struggle with 4. If I am hurt I just don't want to talk. I just want to do my thing and let him get on with his. However the questions made me realise that having a great relationship means learning things that go contrary to my natural reaction. Between stimulus and response is the ability to choose. As Christians we have been given the Holy Spirit who enables the fruit of love to be borne in our lives. So even though I could respond in a certain way to something I can still choose to act different. 


Just wanted to share that before it got lost in a myriad of texts and emails. Choose to handle things differently to keep the love strong between you and your partner today.


Love. Learn.

Love is spelt T-I-M-E

I read 2 articles recently on love and time. The first article was David Jeremiah's Feb 2011 devotional where he dedicated the month to writing on love, marriage and sex. I love the way he showed that the Bible is full of wisdom concerning how one can have a loving, grounded relationship that can stand the test of time. I'm concerned at how many relationships start on such a high note and end with such bitterness and sorrow. I don't think any relationships just end abruptly, they gradually unravel and sometimes we are too busy or nonchalant to notice until it is on its final legs.


He talked about both quality and quantity of time. We live really busy lives in this century and its so easy to lose sight of each other within it. The past few months have been difficult for us but I'm thankful to God that we have been growing stronger for it every step of the way. We made a commitment early this year after a period of not seeing each other for a few weeks never to allow work or anything else get in the way of 'us'. Due to the nature of our jobs there are busy seasons and seeing that we don't live together yet it can get crazy sometimes. But we're aware of it and we are trying. I have to give it to my sweetheart he's much better at being in touch than me. As we don't get to see each other everyday..there's rarely a day I don't get a good morning AND goodnight text with lots of messages scattered through my day. 'Thinking of u', MUL, LUL and LUAs. You would think I would get tired of them but I don't.


The second article I read was from the Marriage Gems blog; see excerpt

'I don’t often quote advice from celebrities, but sometimes the advice is just simple enough to be helpful. Actor Colin Firth, who has been married to Italian director Livia Giuggioli for 15 years, was recently quoted regarding the secret to his happy marriage. He says a happy marriage is not too hard to attain when you set aside time for each other and treat one’s marriage like a “marathon.”

“We’re very committed on a daily basis to how we deal with our family lives. But the real secret is time—we have to make sure that we spend enough time together. Every relationship in life you’re going to have to take care of, there’s a marathon factor to it,” says Firth.

He added that despite all the tempting women one may encounter, it is important to remember none of them measure up to one’s own wife.'

Spending time together - an art that is gradually being lost not only by couples but families in general. Technology has made the world a global village and yet made islands out of individuals. We tweet, FB, IM people thousands of miles away and yet we have no clue what is going on in the life of the person lying next to us in bed. So far SO has been better at creating avenues for quality time where we can rest and just share. Its my responsibility to match up to him. I'm in this for the long haul and I think there is a lot of wisdom in Colin Firth's advice. He's been married for 15 years, in Hollywood that's an achievement. It would be wise to follow as well.

Love. Learn.

Picture Perfect?

I've just been musing about how things can be so different from what they look like on the surface. One of the big lessons I've learnt is that wisdom requires looking beyond the surface to know things as they really are, not what we think they are, not we want them to be. But as they really are.

Reading some blogs, reading some of the stuff I've written one could be forgiven for assuming that there are some perfect relationships. There aren't. I'm a perfectionist, I like things being perfect but I'm learning that no matter how hard I try, I'm not perfect. I can only do my best and on some days even that doesn't cut it. I used to be a fan of wedding websites and it's fun oohing and aahing at the pictures and I have no doubt that the couple I'm looking at is very happy but that's life. It's difficult to cram the last few years you've shared with someone into a website. Sometimes the stories sound like fairy tales but underneath the pictures I'm sure there are many stories.

So no we don't have a perfect relationship. Because neither of us is perfect. Two imperfect people cannot have a perfect relationship. However, it shouldn't just be the two of you...it should be him, me and God ( a threefold cord not easily broken). Even as I'm typing this we're having a moment. In many cases, opposites attract. In our case, our similarities more than anything attracted us to each other and when we have issues its those same similarities that bring the cracks. We both retreat into our shells when we are upset so it can be frustrating sometimes and all my communication tips just seem to fly out of my head and I want to do the silent treatment thing. When I was younger and I got mad...umm let's just say I would say ugly things. Now I'm older and to combat that I started keeping my mouth shut but doing that just puts my mind in overdrive and I withdraw and become cold and distant. We've never had a big fight....the promise is to never sleep on an argument and we haven't broken that so far but then we've never had a problem at 11pm at night...lol!

Well, the commitment is to still love you even when I'm upset and frustrated. So no we don't always get it right but when you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone I guess that's inevitable. The main reason why I wrote this was because so many times people want to compare their relationships with someone else's based on what they think they know about the relationship. Usually it isn't as perfect as it looks, we all look good with makeup on! Learn from other people, what they did that worked for them and the mistakes they've made also. I pray never to compare SO to anyone else and say I wished he was more like so and so. I'll write a post on what my weaknesses are. Only advice I would give...is to never stop talking to each other. Once the lines of communication are open things usually have a way of working out.

Keep living, loving and learning..

What do you call it?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

St Augustine

I came across this quote while I was once again musing about a conversation I had with SO. We were talking about what made couples lose their fire after a while. How do you go from 'I might just die if I don't talk/see him/her' to 'I can't remember the last time I spoke to him/her' its like you just get to this phase where you are just existing. You're not unhappy but it seems the relationship has lost its fire. Although we've been friends for just under a decade, our romantic relationship is relatively new and I do appreciate how the 'busyness' of life can get in the way.

My married friends tell me that time to reconnect with your partner is a deliberate effort..it doesn't just happen especially when you have been together for a long time and you have kids. I've noticed an increase in the divorce rates of 'empty nesters', I used to wonder why after over 2 decades of being together a couple would split up but I guess when you get used to being 'Mummy', 'Daddy' and the children leave the cracks in the relationship begin to show. I know this is true because my parents experienced and to some level are still experiencing this. You don't realise when you're growing apart..


I call it love, just that there are different seasons and phases. I think we all fall in love...we meet someone new and something about them attracts us. For some its looks, how they speak, sadly, money sometimes...but for whatever reason we are attracted to them. We exchange contact details and talk, talk you never knew you could talk for hours, your network provider smiles to the bank but you can't seem to get enough of them. I don't think this is bad. We were created with feelings for a reason I guess. I've heard this described as the honeymoon phase...I think this is the temporary madness St Augustine refers to in the quote above. This is love or is it?


Then you have an argument or disagreement.....I remember our first...my 'amazingly amazing' suddenly became 'one of them'...'they're all the same' as I realised that he was flesh and blood, imperfect and therefore prone to mistakes. As we talked about it, I realised that I was committing to a lifetime of forgiving him, accepting him and loving him. This is love because I believe eventually we fall from that high and have to make a decision...will I love this person or not? I think I actually just got the point of that quote this minute....if we're all really being honest with each other I think that for many of us, yours truly inclusive we have ended some relationships that we should have worked on. We wanted to remain 'being in love' with the person instead of 'loving' them when it was required.


I pray for my roots to always grow underground towards you darling and that we become interconnected so that it is neither you nor me but us. That actually separating our roots causes so much pain we don't even consider it.


LUA


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