#Sharing: The way marriage should be..

'The way marriage should be; the security of knowing you have someone to love, to trust, to encourage, to laugh with, grow with and enjoy life with and that he or she is yours and yours alone makes marriage so incredible! Marriage is not designed to place restrictions on you; marriage is for the purpose of completing you, thus enabling each member of the team to be more than you could be as individuals. Marriage is designed to enable you grow to your maximum because of ther support, love and encouragement of your mate.' 

Zig Ziglar

60 Minute Marriage..

I read the above titled book by Rob Parsons yesterday morning. From start to finish. The whole book. Its one of the best books I've read on relationships, marriage and parenting that I've read in a long time. He wrote it so that it could be read in an hour. It took me a bit longer because I was furiously making notes like there was an exam after that hour! My notes were my gift to SO yesterday and he really loved it. In his words, 'this is to be studied and not merely read!' I would like to share that email with you but as I lifted every single word directly from the book I think there will be copyright issues with that!

How to transform your marriage in an hour! Definitely worth the read. What I will share are the main points of the book, he describes them as the goals partners should aim for in marriage. To get more, read the book!

Communication
Learning to talk again and to give each other the dignity of knowing that they matter. Try to have an evening once a week for just the two of you. Defend it with your life
Don't confuse your partners need for space with rejection


Make time

In the 21st century, time pressure is killing relationships. We can live in the same house and still be strangers if we don't make time to really spend time with each other. I am really guilty of this one but hopefully my 30 Day challenge is helping me look for ways to actually bridge gaps and spend quality if not always quantity time.

To Survive Conflict

There will be conflict but it doesn't have to be a horrible thing. We must learn to deal with it. Attack issues and not people. Stick to those issues and remember the magic word FORGIVENESS. Learn to be the first to apologise.

To Accept what I can't change

While life is about change, people find change difficult. Don't be so focused on who you want your partner to be that you miss out on who they really are. We must love the whole package both the bits we like and those we don't. I would rather that SO loved long phone conversations but he doesn't and he makes it up to me in other ways so I have learnt to live with it. The refusal to accept what I couldn't change destroyed my last relationship. I am learning my lessons.


To be a Ghostbuster

We come into marriage with ourselves. That sounds funny but its true. We bring our hopes, dreams, fears, most importantly we bring our past. I spent a long time on this one because I know that my reaction to certain things are based mainly on what I saw in my parents marriage and in my previous relationship. I need to be more self-aware and ask myself why I react to certain things in a certain way. My inability to share my problems, my perfectionism, my sometimes critical response to certain situations. Hmm.. He recommends sharing with our partners our past hurts, heartbreaks and disappointments. Our partners deserve this, it provides context and promotes understanding.


To Believe in Lovemaking
Rob says that we should forget the Hollywood myths. Every couple will at some point experience a 'dry spell.' He/she may not be that interested. Men want women to initiate and be more available for sex. Women want men to be more affectionate, for her lovemaking starts long before the bedroom. There must be a way we can meet somewhere and be in a win/win situation. Read a book, get counselling whatever it takes for you to get your groove back.


To Dispel the Illusions

Marriage is more than romance. Sometimes its a dance and sometimes you're fighting to keep it alive. Forget thinking that you will be happier with someone else. The grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs mowing. I want to have a wonderful marriage. I want SO to be the happiest man alive because he's married to me. Its my goal and that's what I will keep working towards.

Marriage and happiness...Antonyms?

'Every marriage is made up of two flawed people. That includes you and your partner. It's not that we don't know it, it's that we keep forgetting it, or hoping that we're the exception to the rule. Expecting perfection is naive and will keep undermining your relationship. Happiness in marriage depends on coming to terms with your mutual defects and dealing with them realistically.'

The Word for you Today

If I got a penny for every time I lived by what I've just written above I would be one very rich lady. Two flawed people....but I always expect perfection. I have this joke with SO about being the perfect partner...complete with batteries. When we fight I don't know why everything I know flies out of the window. 

We had a misunderstanding recently. We've both been pulling long hours and well its been a stressful couple of weeks. We both retreat into our bubbles when we are upset for fear of saying something  we'll both regret. However, one end of the spectrum is not better than the other. We should aim for a balance where people can express themselves in a non-destructive manner. Sometimes when we say what needs to be said, feelings can be hurt in the process. It is important to know your partner, what their silence means, what their smiles mean. 

On my end my 'walls' just went up. My 'walls' have always been my defense mechanism against being hurt...lol! It's silly but its what I do. Even after the apology...we both apologised to each other...I was still having a hard time letting it go. In my own way, I felt he was getting off the hook 'too easy' but this morning I read that devotional. I should live knowing I am not perfect, he should live knowing I am not perfect. A mental assertion of the fact is not enough...it's the daily living. Marriage is about two forgivers living together.

So he will say some things I don't want to hear and I'll probably do the same. Marriage and happiness don't have to be antonyms...by the grace of God they can even be synonyms. I learnt that if you're a believer it is important to keep God at the centre of your life and your marriage as well. We can be wrong but God is always right. I look at my last post and laugh. Nothing prepares you for being in a relationship like being in a relationship.

Keep living, loving and learning...

Good relationships; Great relationships

I and SO watched 'Why did I get married 2' this past weekend. It took us ages to watch because we kept talking about the movie. There were some interesting points raised in the movie and it made me think about what makes a great relationship? Is there something like a great relationship? Is it too lofty to think that after the honeymoon phase, two years, five years from now we would only tolerate each other. Will we always be in love and love each other?


I've decided to note the lessons I learnt from all the characters. 


Patricia (Janet Jackson)


The strength in vulnerability. She was the character that I related to the most out of the 4 women. I tend to want to be 'strong' by always acting as if I've got it all together. People come to me for advice on a variety of things including their relationships so its always been hard for me to scream 'I need help'! At the beginning of our relationship I learnt how detrimental keeping your partner out was. Effective communication should be the foundation of all relationships. It takes strength to admit that you need someone else. To allow someone else into your life to show them the good, bad and ugly. I'm learning how much I need people. I don't want to keep things in and just snap with disastrous consequences. Hmm...


Sheila (Jill Scott)


Leave the ex and the excess baggage that comes with it. When one has been in a bad relationship the temptation to punish the new partner for the wrongs of the past can be strong. We need to let go and move on. I learnt that SO is SO and while there are some ways in which I think all men are the same, my SO is my SO. Unique in his strengths, unique in his weaknesses as well. He isn't going anywhere because the ex left. He's here and he loves me.


Angela (Tasha Smith)


The importance of TRUST in a relationship. Because of the nature of his job, SO is big on confidentiality. Some people say if you trust the person you're with you should give them unlimited access to everything. Email passwords, phone passwords e.t.c. I think different, I think if he can trust you with his money then he trusts you...lol! No, I don't have the password to his phone or email account and he doesn't have mine either. I don't have anything to hide but we just don't roll like that. If at anytime he needs to access my email account I'll give it to him. I remember the first time he gave me his charge card to make a purchase, it was such a small thing and yet such a big thing as well. I learnt that while its important for both men and women to speak to each other with respect, its so much more important for a woman. Speaking to men not shouting at them and if we must shout we should do it within the confines of our own home. Trust is such a strong thing in keeping two people together when it is there and yet so fragile that it is easily broken. 


Dianne (Sharon Leal)


Good relationship....great relationship. This was the one I and SO had the longest discussion on. On the surface we had a great looking couple. They looked and sounded fabulous, great jobs, great kids, great house in the suburbs. SO asked me why I thought despite having a great husband, Dianne had an 'emotional' affair with a colleague at work. I don't really know. I just assumed it was the 'sameness' that often occurs when you have been with someone for a long time. I haven't gotten there yet so really can't comment on it. What I do know is that its more difficult to build a tower than it is to fall from it. This morning we had a long chat. I've never been of the opinion that being in love and loving your spouse prevented you from being attracted to someone else. Its about fireproofing our relationship. No one hopes for a fire but we keep a working smoke alarm and a fire extinguisher just in case. There's this scene where she brings flowers home without a card and lies to her husband about it. We discussed what we thought was appropriate to tell or not tell your spouse. He asked me if I would bring flowers home given to me by another man..I think it depends. Depends under what circumstances they were given. I hope I can always be in my right mind enough not to accept gifts from someone I know admires me. These days I'm a bit more careful in how I relate with members of the opposite sex. If I think they're interested I just move far. SO says, 'don't smell something you're not going to eat, don't do lunch, don't go by, stay as far away from the edge as you can' and I think the same.


I think it was a wonderful family movie to watch. It made me think. I'm really passionate about enriching romantic and marital relationships around me. It just kind of came to me this morning. I really would like to help people see that love and marriage are beautiful words and can still be relevant in the 21st century. We've all made mistakes. I want to learn from mine and grow from mine.


Keep learning..