The Journey...

So today was an email. I think its easy to do things when you get some appreciation and positive feedback but I hope I can continue to do this even without it. I wrote this for SO but I guess it is applicable to most romantic relationships. As always there's some private jokes so if there's something that sounds odd just allow.

Darling,

A journey of 'us' begins at a point (for all journeys start somewhere) where neither 'you' nor 'I' is aware of. When does my journey become our journey? But that is not of great importance because a journey and its destination are always of much greater importance than the origin. A commoner can become royalty, rags to riches...etc. So there's 'us' and the excitement that having someone share your journey brings. The world looks different.... for the most part brighter and happier because I see through the eyes of you and vice versa. However two people on one journey while definitely always interesting has an inherent complexity. Genetic, emotional, social and other differences...also the fact that the travelers are not perfect adds a little bit to that. Because so many times we focus on where we need to go much more than the journey itself. 

Most journeys begin with a race, a flurry of activities. Dates, even more dates, mini-dissertations via SMS...lol! This is important as 2 'strangers' have to begin a process to build connections to each other. Every word is important, we learn about likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. We need this information if the journey is to be a success. Building momentum quickly can actually be an advantage but marathons were not designed to be run like 100m dashes and eventually 'us' begins to slow down to a steady rhythm. The inherent complexity of the journey begins to manifest itself, imperfections and expectations take their toll. Sometimes 'I' want to sit down and 'you' want to walk. Sometimes 'I' think left is best and 'you' think right. Two people on one journey will definitely at certain times want different things. Adding even more complexity is that the terrain and climate of the journey is never a permanent given. Our world is a recurring cycle of winter, spring, summer and autumn and it is inevitable that our journey will experience the reality of travelling in different seasons.

Then the decision comes in..'deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond'...its an easy decision to make but such a difficult one to live by. In essence 'us' reigns supreme over 'I' or 'you'. Its a promise that no matter how 'I' feel or what 'you' want, 'us' will always be the most important thing and the journey will never end until one of us is no longer here. It doesn't matter if we walk, some days we may crawl but we commit to the journey. We may hold hands and talk animatedly, we may drift into the world of 'you' and 'me' in certain seasons but we will always be on this journey. 'I' will give you the support 'you' need and vice versa. I will trust you but most importantly I will love you. A promise to forgive hurts that inadvertently will occur on this journey and tell you, 'You can always count on me.' That when life throws its certain uncertainties 'I will be here'...its a team effort all the way. Looking at all this, its a wonder why anyone would want to do this...one thinks it may be better to just have as many 100m dashes as one can with as many people as one can. But it is definitely so worth it. 

I know because my journey with you has 'changed everything.' In different ways. Love calls us to a higher level of living because that's what being an 'us' is. I want to be stronger, better, kinder, more supportive person because it makes 'us' stronger, better, kinder, more supportive. I have an easier time of it because the love you have for me keeps me moving forward. We do and will continue to have our differences from time to time but I'm committed to taking this journey with you (yes dear, even to Siberia...lol) because it is now inconceivable that I should walk alone. I would rather have my 'brother' by my side. So dear, this is another way (hope not too long winded and complicated) of saying I love you and I am committed to 'us' and I can't wait to be Mrs O in every sense of the word.

Love you now and always

G

SO's Letters

SO's away for 2 weeks : ( . I actually thought that I would be so happy to have some me time...lol! But I actually miss him a lot...lol! So I decided to try and reignite the old art of letter writing. I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter. In these days of texts and pokes its difficult for me to even order my thoughts coherently but I thought I'd give it a go.


Sweetheart,


Its been about 5 days since I waved you goodbye and like I promised there was no waterworks. I used to laugh at SY when she talked about how she felt when her hubby was going to be away but I think I understand the feeling now and I kind of pray that it will always be this way. Talking to you yesterday just wrapped the whole day for me...like ice cream with Bramble apple pie....lol!


I think its human nature to not realise the value of what you have until you lose it. Looking back at our issues over the last few weeks just makes me realise how important love is and how much we don't realise how little time we have. Today I'm just grateful to have a man that loves me the way you do. Honestly, genuinely and with everything. I'm grateful to have someone to share my life with....the easy bits and the difficult bits too. I'm grateful that there's someone I can learn to be vulnerable with. Because I know that I am so far from there but I'm getting there...at least I'm working on getting there.


I am looking forward to our life together. When I look back at the odds of us actually being together I sometimes wonder if I should start to believe in fate because the odds were surely stacked high against us and even though in some ways it still feels that way I'm confident that we'll do our best to always overcome them.


Come home soon darling. I miss you.


LUL.

Going back to go forward...II

I have quite a number of metaphors for love.  Love is like a garden, a tree, a force...but it is also like a seed. One day its this little thing that has been thrown in your heart, you hardly recognise that it is there but under the right conditions it germinates and then you have this beautiful plant that is neither you nor the other person but still you and the other person.

About 4 years into our friendship I just realised that something had changed. All of a sudden we were making plans to meet up more frequently, talking about different things, going from surface to deep conversations. I used to joke with him that it was time for him to get married and he would say the same to me. One day we met up for a drink/movie and he confided in me that he had met 'someone' but there were some obstacles and he was really worried about messing a good friendship up. I was surprised that my first feeling was one of disappointment. I was happy but disappointed. I told him that he would never know if he didn't try and what might seem like obstacles may be things that could be worked out. Sometime during the show, he reached out and held my hand. It wasn't a big deal and suddenly I realised that the friend was me. I should have been happy and a part of me was but then I panicked. I'll write a whole post about my pet peeves soon, fear and anxiety topping that list. The 'What ifs' of this world just came rumbling through my mind and I just tensed. Strange enough as we kissed each other goodbye that day I knew something had changed in our relationship.

Looking back now, sometimes we wonder what would have happened if we had just taken the plunge then. SO thinks we would have made it, as for me I'm not so sure. I'm surely a different woman than I was then in a lot of ways. There are some things I may not have been able to handle then that I feel more qualified to handle now. Like I said, something changed that day and we both decided (without a discussion..lol) to look for love somewhere else. We didn't talk as much any more and went on to different relationships. This is beginning to read like something from Danielle Steele but sometimes I guess truth is stranger than fiction. As I progress in my writing I will try and fill in some gaps but I don't know if this will always be anonymous and therefore there are some things I would rather not share yet.

We didn't know each other's significant others and I just felt that we both should have some space to focus on working on our relationships. I didn't speak to him for over a year. He did try to call and I would send the occasional text but one day I realised that he wasn't one of those people I could 'just be friends' with and it was better I took a break, a complete break. Until one day I got a text asking whether he'd done anything to offend me and that we should meet up soon to catch up.

So we somehow got talking. The previous year had actually been quite difficult for us both. Strangely enough we were both single again. And we kept talking and today we're still talking. I found out that I really was the friend from a few years ago. He just thought his baggage would be too much for me. I thought then that it would be too much for me too. But like I said I think right now I'm more equipped to handle things. I'll talk about it more in my next post.

Writing feels good.

Q and A: This Loving Kind

Just picked this one out of my inbox. I don't know where SO gets these questions from but suffice to say you never know if you don't ask. His questions are italicised followed by my answers. Part of the answers include private jokes so if anyone ever reads this forgive the bits that make no sense whatsoever!

What is it that makes 'us' love someone differently, specially?

I think like Solomon I have to ask for the wisdom of God on this one..Mmm...I believe there is a fundamental human need to love and be loved. While I think there is a place that only God can fill, I also believe He also created us with a need to relate with other people as well and it is in marital relationships we really learn about oneness. Also, needs are unique, I think there are a number of desires that we have as individuals that we are not even aware of. We want to be understood by someone else, be significant to someone else, be accepted for the totality of who we are by someone else. We talked last week about people being attracted to people who were very different from them and these differences sometimes becoming sources of irritation when the reality of being in a committed relationship dawns upon them. 

I think the answer to this question is different for everyone. I love you differently and specially because to me you are very different and very special. Every individual is unique but your uniqueness makes you stand out to me. What your friend said is true 'I would gladly let my daughter marry you'.......because I would too! : ) I know I keep repeating this but there is a way I believe you understand me that no one else outside my family and best friends do. Maybe this comes from us having similar personalities but I feel wholly accepted, wholly loved, not parts of me, not bits and pieces. There was a message you sent to me a while ago where you told me 'I would rather let you go and let you be happy with someone else than for us to be together and you be unhappy' that spoke volumes to me. Because the truth is love is not a cage with no way out but a room with a door left open. Love says 'the door is open but I want you to stay' and the other person makes the commitment to close the door, lock it and throw the key away because they are in it for the long haul...through changing scenes and seasons.

Its the sum of who the person is...their strengths and their weaknesses, their likes and dislikes..there is an initial attraction that you may be aware of or not...but then there is the growing to love them and this happens as you begin to know them, talk to them, share with them. One day you wake up and realise that the thought of being without them is unbearable, that they have become everything and you are ready to do whatever it takes for them to stay with you, share your life with you and grow old with you. 

It is also the risk, because love of this nature is indeed a risk but you love them specially because for that particular individual it is a risk you are willing to take. Just like I am willing to do for you because I love him truly, deeply, forever and beyond.

So darling..I'm not sure I really answered the question but that's my 2 kroner..lol

Why does true love change a person and touch all aspects of their life?

Another hard one..I think it goes back to our basic nature. We were created to love, I find it interesting somehow how people do not get along with their family but idolise a dog/cat to the point of what some would consider insanity. Love changes you because when you truly love someone you find yourself wanting to be better for them, because 'us' becomes more important than 'me'. Its sad that we generally tend not to take the same care of ourselves/spouses after some time because we feel we don't have a need to impress them any more. This should not be the case, everyday we wake up we should try and be that much better just to make them happy. E.g no 'big' smiling on the train/tube any more with random strangers, giving up one coffee a day to have a drink of water..lol! In a lot of ways, one is discovering a new world...through the eyes of the one you love and it is unfathomable that the new information you receive doesn't change you in some ways. 

Also truly loving someone and having them love you back is one of the happiest things that can happen to someone. It brings you joy and peace, there is that special someone who is sharing your life with you..that happiness touches all areas of your life. I smile to myself all the time...I wake up expecting to get/send a good morning message (though you seem to always beat me to it..) and can't sleep till you say goodnight..the whispers have taken things to a whole different level..Even with the slight irritations of the day, I just feel that more patient because I am well and truly very happy. Its very new for me..I have not walked this path before with anyone.

Once again, I am unsure if I have answered your questions, but this has been a long one...lol!

Loving you every day...deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond by the grace of God.

Keep living, loving and learning...

Q and A: Is love enough?

One of the things I love about our relationship is that we make an effort to understand the other persons views on particular matters. Q and A are about the questions asked by either of us and the answer from the other person. This time its SO asking me if love is enough to sustain a relationship? I warn I do tend to ramble on but I hope I tried to answer the question!

Hmm

That's a deep one, I and a few friends debated about this a while ago and we didn't come to any conclusion but agreed to disagree. Some are of the opinion that love is not enough..you need commitment, integrity, fidelity e.t.c. I think differently because I think it depends on the definition of love that you use.

A lot of times we can't differentiate the 'being in love' with what it means to truly love someone. To love is to make a decision to stick with someone through thick and thin, on the days you feel like loving them and on the days you don't, on the days they make you smile and on the days they make you cry. That love is commitment, that love is integrity, that love is fidelity, that love is what Paul calls kind, patient, not self-seeking, always protecting, always trusting, always hoping and always persevering..not envious as well...no pestles allowed, lol! (1 Corinthians 13)

But we are human and thus imperfect and love is not static, but dynamic. I sent this in an email to my friend this morning..

'Love is like a seed that has been planted in both your hearts, it needs conducive conditions to germinate, it must be nurtured until it becomes a tree..an oak with roots down so deep, a trunk wide enough and big branches that will enable it to overcome any storm, this is the commitment you must be willing to make'

That takes work, a lot of us prefer to 'be in love' which of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, the attraction must be there, the feeling of love is important but we must all press to what I refer to as the 'higher call of love' which requires a lot, definitely because we must sacrifice at the altar of this love,  I must choose to sacrifice 'me' for 'us'

I still believe that with love one can overcome anything. I have known couples overcome what one would think they couldn't, even infidelity (from both partners)..because both were willing to work it out.  Its just that so many times couples allow the routine of living to erode the love, there is the day to day business of life and no nurturing, no growth and so the slightest breeze topples it over. It's like the story Jesus told about the buildings, one building on sand, one building on the rock. No matter how beautiful a building looks, how big it is, if adequate work has not been done on the foundation..it will topple eventually. Also love requires 2 people who are available and willing to make it work, this being the main responsibility of 1 person cannot work except the person just elects to stay because they just have to not because they want to..

A man I know wasn't speaking to his wife..I asked him why and he responded that 'until she makes peace with my mother and gives her due respect' I was so pained that day..I don't deny that his mother must be respected but that is so conditional in my opinion, the vows you took were not based on her respecting your mother but for you to love her unconditionally...but I am not him or her so I can't really comment on why people do what they do. But I see it often, people holding on to their 'ground' for so long they don't realise the other person packed up and left a long time ago..

Mmm, before this becomes like a dissertation (lol) I will conclude by saying 'being in love' with someone is not enough but loving them should be...this requires both partners though..

Hope you are having a great day..

I pray not only to be in love with you but to love you as well..deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond..

Me

Love is..

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Selected verses from 1st Corinthians 13

I've come across this passage of the Scripture so many times in my Christian walk. I've been taught about how love is not an emotion but a decision. I agree. The emotion is a part of it but the decision is so important. The verses above give an indication on what love is. Sometimes I wish it read..'Love is butterflies in my tummy, walking on air, being breathless when you open the door'...lol! But it isn't. I love you means 'I am making a commitment to be here for you no matter what. I will be patient with you, I will be kind to you, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and not be jealous when I hear a female voice at the other end of the line (even if it is Halle B, sorry private joke!!), I will try and express myself without being rude or patronizing. I will be honest and I will trust you with everything I have and own. If I can't say something without breaking a confidence, I will let you know. I will ask God for grace to not be easily angered, to tell you how I feel about actions you have taken without going crazy and shouting. 

I will protect you by keeping private things private and honouring you in your presence and absence. I will always hope for the best for you and for us and discuss my fears, doubts and insecurities with you as they come up. I love you means growing up and seeing everything with mature eyes, putting away childish ways and drama queen behaviour. Its a tall order and I'm not perfect. I have made mental promises like this before and failed at the critical moment. I can't go back and change that but I can pray daily for the grace of God to say 'I love you' everyday and mean it with regard to the statements made above. I still ask God as a side order (cheeky minx, I know) that the sound of your voice always give me that warm feeling inside...even when we grow all croaky and old. That seeing you walk in a room will always bring a smile to my face. To always love you, against all odds.

Love is so many things, a decision, an emotion, a journey, a garden, a force. 

Keep on loving. Keep on growing.