Tuesday, 18 January 2011

I love you but what's in the bag?

One day I hope to sit somewhere and just read all the posts on this blog and go through the different emotions that come with them. In my last post I was talking about baggage. We come into relationships 'as is', as we are with our strengths and our weaknesses. Our hopes and our fears. The problem usually is that we have this facade, this person we want to be and that really impedes us in our relationships because the other person doesn't really have an idea of who they are dealing with.

SO has what most women would consider the ultimate baggage, an ex-wife and kids. The other obstacle we had was the quite significant age difference between us. Over a decade. There was a time when both situations, the age difference and children would have been a big NO from me and yet here I am. On the age difference side, I had always expected that my husband would be quite older than I was as I've never had any friends male or female that wasn't at least 5 years older and people usually mistake me for someone older. They try and be nice and say its not how I look but how I act and I smile and choose to believe them! Lol! 'Tis true, I do come across as someone much older and in a lot of ways my age is just catching up. The first person I dated was 7 years older than me and for me that wasn't an issue. I just never thought I'd go over the 10 year gap.

I'm not one of those people who subscribe to the 'just love, everything else will take care of itself' idea. I did think long and hard about both issues. Maybe not too long and not too hard...lol! I'd always known about his boys from the word go. The first day we met he showed me their pictures in his wallet and the truth is that if they were girls and not boys I'm not sure I would be writing this post. I'm proud of SO, proud of his ex as well for the way they made the best out of a bad situation. The boys stayed with him after the split, it was their decision and their mother respected it. I met them a number of times before our awkward phase, they call me Aunty, they still do. Am I scared? A little bit...I'm not a mother talk less of being a step mother but they are teenagers and I'm not their mother. They have a mother. With boys its much easier than it would have been with girls. After all the horror stories I've heard about stepmums and all, actually realising that I'm going to become one is well....interesting. Maybe I should be more anxious about it but I'm not. We've had so many discussions about this, my fears and concerns and well I'm still here.

The thing is that no matter how a relationship goes, once there are children involved you maintain a permanent relationship with that person whether you like them or not, whether you want to or not. You have a shared responsibility till death do you part. I really like the boys. I think they did a good job. One of the things I respect about SO is that he never slags their mum. We don't talk much about that past but for whatever happened I believe that he learnt a lot from it. There are things that he does, things he is so perceptive about that only come when you've been there, not made it and are really ready to put in everything to make sure it works. I can't judge him totally on his past, he can't turn back the clock. I can only judge the present, the man he is, the man he wants to be. I'm not sure I could have done it for anyone else but he comes with 2 boys and loving him is accepting that fact.

Its not always going to be as easy as 1,2,3. If we have a child, he/she would be last instead of first. One of the boys has already requested it be a boy (no pressure..lol!) because 'girls are trouble'..lol! I try to look into the future. There will be graduation ceremonies, weddings and other special occasions where I will be the 'wife' but that is who I will be, their dad's wife. I pray to always have a good relationship with them but so far I've been amazed by how simple it was for them to open their arms and accept me as a part of their lives. I keep hoping SO isn't bribing them or something.

One day SO said he was thinking and wondering if I would still find him attractive when he was all 'wrinkly and old' and I pray for our love to be something that stands through changing scenes and seasons. Dating someone older does have its pros and cons. On the advantage side, he knows what he wants. No beating around the bush, no playing games. This is for keeps, unconditionally, forever and beyond. Not Tracy on Tuesday, Wendy on Wednesday, Thelma on Thursday. On the downside, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. Usually 'our' way becomes the 'right' way and darling can be like that sometimes. There is this tone of voice he has, I call it 'The Boss' but we're working through it one situation at a time.

We are happy together, conventional or unconventional as it may be. Even with the age difference, our similarities are outstanding almost like we are the same person sometimes. Anyway enough babbling. Some people have external baggage, some internal. Sometimes I think my internal baggage matches his and more but I'm blessed to have him. I love him very, very much.

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