Day 22: Lol! Men and Women

I'm not liking this inconsistency for the last few days. Its been a good month. Haven't hit it 'all' but I can see good changes. Changing the way I see things and I am sure that this will be accompanied by a change in behaviour as well. I came across this list and it made me laugh so I'm sharing it here. Highlights once again the classic difference between men and women. After laughing however, I am determined not the be this woman. Instead of saying 'fine', I'm learning to say 'I feel hurt because..' hopefully the silent treatment days are behind me. I'll be honest, I'm not totally giving that one up because sometimes I feel SO hears me more when I'm quiet ha, ha. Anyway to any ladies who may read this, I suggest you share this with your partner/spouse. Communication aids understanding. At least then he knows what to watch out for. SO says he's compiling a dictionary to enable men understand women..lol!

Nine words women use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine!

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”. (I want to add in a clause here – this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” it will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying Get Lost!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response please refer to # 3.


Live.

Day 16: Communication

I feel good when I know to do good and I do it. When there is a difference between what I feel and what I know to be true and I choose to go against my emotions and stick with the facts. So I give myself a big pat on the back today. I shared a lot of things with SO yesterday..early on in our relationship I knew I would have to work big time on my communication skills because I am a keeper and not a good sharer. When I said what I had to say..I felt so naked..lol! I think the Bible verse where it says 'and they were naked and not ashamed' wasn't just about the physical. In nakedness, everything is exposed the good, the bad and the ugly but that's the beauty of love isn't it, that someone can see all that and still choose to be with you.

When he turned round and told me 'Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I know that it must have been difficult but I'm really glad you did. Communication is very important and it has to come from both of us, it helps us understand each other.' That made me happy and made me wonder why I usually hold back. I guess I like to look perfect so I'm hesitant to share anything that makes me look flawed..lol! 

I guess 'communication' will be the most used word on this blog because it's one of those foundational things. And if the foundation isn't strong, nothing built on it will stand the test of time. I'm also learning that things I'm learning through my relationship with SO is making my other relationships stronger. I'm learning to communicate better with my friends and strengthening my relationships through taking the step to love my family and friends unconditionally.

You should be able to talk about anything with your partner. Anything and everything...the mundane and the vital. If it can keep me awake at night, I should be able to talk about it. Hmm..

Learn.

Day 12: Right or Reconciled

These days I read a lot of 'relationship' blogs, I'm intrigued on what other people's thoughts are regarding relationships and how their love stories are acted out. I must say I've learnt a lot, well I have assimilated a lot of information that I hope I will apply if and when the need arises. Relationships are very personal, what works for a couple may not necessarily work for me but I believe that there are some foundational principles that apply to all couples.

I was reading a blog where the writer asked her parents who were celebrating their 54th (yes 54th) wedding anniversary what they thought was necessary for love that lasts a lifetime. There was a list but out of that list the biggest point that stood out for me was 'decide if you'd rather be right or reconciled.' I shared the list with SO and he asked me why that particular point resonated with me the most. Writing my response below made me realise how much growing up I still have to do..lol! Sorry if the beginning doesn't make any sense.

I was looking at it from a different perspective. I don't like to be at the receiving end of ultimatum's so I try not to give them either.

I was thinking more along the lines of my thought processes when someone does something that hurts me and I keep them 'outside' because really that is what the silence is, creating a 'barrier' between me and them. It doesn't really matter if it was intentional or not.

'They' are wrong for what they did and my response is right and justified...Especially where no apology is forthcoming...lol! But being right can be lonely because barriers that keep others out also keep one in. So most times its more important to be reconciled than right.

Its funny how some things I think look when I actually write them down. Anyway we live and learn.

I have seen couples rejoice over battles they have won and then realise in stunned dismay that they have lost the war. Sometimes I'm right and he's wrong but at the end of the day I still want there to be an 'us' so reconciliation will always rank higher than being right. 


Love. Learn

N.B Giving myself a pat on the back for sticking out with my eating plan.

Communication; Talk to me darling

Foremost leadership expert John Maxwell says that 'Everything rises and falls on leadership'...I'll say in marriage 'everything rises and falls on COMMUNICATION'. I love to read relationship focused blogs and they always say the same thing in terms of stressing the importance of communicating with your partner. I like the way my best friend said it, its not about talking more but sharing more. I have been in a relationship where we talked a lot  but we didn't necessarily share anything. The Bible talks in Genesis about Adam and Eve being 'naked and not ashamed' I think this is more than a physical thing but about having nothing hidden from your partner, being open and transparent. When one is naked, nothing can be hidden..


No, one doesn't start being open and honest on day one. However, a commitment to deeper communication must be made. Its easy to talk about the weather, random strangers on our commute to work, our friends but we must press higher and talk about the inconvenient and the awkward. This is an area I have had to grow in. I'm not one to really open myself up to anyone. Apart from being a very private individual, I am not really comfortable talking about things that pertain to me. Usually its because I have this perfectionist complex, I hate admitting I need help or that I've made a mistake. That's a bad and dangerous attitude to have because none of us are perfect and we all need each other. SO has really worked with me to help us communicate more. I am getting better..he knows now that when he gets a message with the tag 'sharing' he needs to take some time out. SO says sharing 'increases understanding, provides context and reduces misinterpretation....its a good thing for us to learn to share everything'. I say Amen to that.


This morning I shared some of my fears and insecurities with SO and his words just made me feel so much better and encouraged. So if anyone ever gets to read this. Never get to a place where you cannot share with your partner, you should be able to talk about the mundane and the really important. Never stop talking to each other, never stop being friends. I think its time to tell 'our story' its an interesting one..