The distance between my thoughts and reality...

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

Phillipians 4:8

I must have read this Scripture countless times and heard several messages on it but the reality of its truth didn't really sink in until a few weeks ago. I must have been upset at something SO did but this thought came into my mind 'How could he love me and do this?' which was why I wrote the post on 'Making room for disappointment.' That thought made me ponder on how many similar statements passed through my mind from time to time, not only with SO but in my other relationships and areas as well. 'I think X did this because of Y and my response will be Z.' However if  my thought 'Y' is wrong, my response 'Z' is more likely to be wrong.

When I find myself out of sorts about something, I tell myself 'transform your life from sadness to joy by renewing your mind.' I COMMUNICATE instead of ASSUME and bridge the distance between my thoughts and reality. The most important thing is that what I am thinking about must be true. How many times have I made a judgement on someone or something (without necessarily vocalising it) based on information that is simply not true?

When this is brought into relationships, it can gradually erode the intimacy. So many thoughts come into my mind at any given time. I'm learning to use a filter.

Love. Learn.

Update...

Its been a long while. I can't really say that I've been that busy but well I'm back here and that's all that matters. Its been an interesting month. What I'm learning is how not to live my life on such an emotional rollercoaster. There are so many things in life that I have absolutely no control over, however I am just realising how much of 'me' that I do have control over. It reminds me of what I read in one of my favourite books 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen Covey. I have the ability to choose my response to whatever happens to me.

Does that mean I won't cry or get angry or feel down when things happen? No. However, I want to learn to maintain a winning attitude. Yes, things aren't exactly how I want, hope or desire that they should be but I can smile in the rain, it may be snowing outside but there can be sunshine in my heart.

I am learning to pray more, hope more and expect more. I want to love, live and learn all the way.

On the health side, I must be honest that I haven't been working out with the same intensity I had in the beginning. I guess I was a bit disappointed when the scales weren't going in the right direction. However, a healthy lifestyle must be holistic. It is just as important what I put into my body as it is working out. I'm no longer using the scales as my sole indicator but how my clothes fit and my energy levels.

Looking forward to the holidays. Time to unwind, spend time with people I love and just enjoy the spirit of the season.

Learn.

Not forgetting but forgiving..

I watched 'Indecent Proposal' with SO this weekend. I like watching old movies, I guess like most things 'they just don't make things the same anymore.' Anyway Woody Harrelson's character said 2 things that were significantly poignant. The first was that 'the mistake that we made was thinking we are invincible.' No couple is invincible, you can be strong but definitely not invincible. Living with that knowledge makes me understand that I must be careful..I shouldn't take anything for granted because no one goes into a relationship hoping it fails. SO says 'never gamble with what you can't afford to lose.'

I've been thinking about the other thing he said which is the title of this post. 'We thought we could forget while what we really needed to do was to forgive.'  Forgiveness is both an event and a process. The event is the conscious decision one makes to forgive and the process is daily living with that decision. However, sometimes the focus is on forgetting what has happened which undermines the process because I cannot consciously make myself forget something. The Bible says 'Forgive' but not forget. 

So maybe I should forget about forgetting some things and just forgive every single time I remember.

There are lessons everywhere if we are listening..

Learn.

Day 30: Love Everyday..

Finally at the end of this journey. I started this in August. I was not really in a good place and my intention was to blog every day for 30 days to get my writing mojo back and clear my thoughts. I shared different things..hopefully serious and not so serious, thoughtful and funny. However it took me about  two months to complete it but I am getting back into my rhythm of writing regularly and I hope my next challenge will find me more consistent.

I've developed an interest in relationships, different kinds of relationships. What makes them great, what keeps them strong. I'm also interested in romantic relationships. Marriage is a beautiful thing..how do we get married and how do we stay married. How do we keep our love alive through the different scenes and seasons of life? Well this will be the ground where I dump my stories, personal and those that have been shared with me. Maybe someone will learn from my 'getting it wrong' stories and what I've read and trying to apply to my life.

Today I am just encouraging myself to love everyday. Every single day. Whatever it means and whatever it requires. I've learnt that love comes both with high and lows, love comes with laughter and tears. Love always calls for a higher level of living. Willing to live contrary to self and exalt 'us' over our individual persons.

Love. Live .Learn

Day 29: Keeping a cool head.

I read something this morning about 'opening windows when arguments are flying.' Conflict is inevitable but it can be managed. Today is about assuming the responsibility of giving silence when the other person is 'dishing it out.' Like a fire, arguments can escalate from a struck match to a raging inferno but for a fire to 'grow' it requires a fuel. Sometimes silence is taking the fuel out of the fire. It no longer becomes an argument but the other person expressing themselves..they aren't right to shout at you but shouting back doesn't achieve anything either.

Relationships are relationships, the principles that apply between partners also apply at work and in other family relationships. I am guilty of giving silence but in a more manipulative 'I am not speaking to you until you beg' sort of mood. This silence is having the emotional strength required to allow another person vent their frustrations (they may be wrong) to prevent the fire from raging. I'm not saying stand still for someone to be violent. I realised that for me most arguments start when I begin to raise my voice to match the other person, it only takes a few seconds for both of us to be screaming. However if I can try and maintain an even tone then the other person's voice usually starts lowering because they kind of look crazy if they don't..lol!

Easy advice to give, very practical. Difficult to live but I am learning that there is a difference between difficult and impossible. I make mistakes everyday but like a child learning to walk, I don't give up because I lost my temper today. I pray and ask God for forgiveness and to rely on His strength to ensure that tomorrow I don't.

I'm a firm believer that we can change things about our lives when we utilise the 'inside-out' approach. I feel like I am on a journey to becoming a better person. I don't know what the destination is and the journey is not always easy but I'm committed to being on it.

Learn.

Day 28: Preserve the friendship..

During a conversation at the weekend, SO brought up the fact that it is possible for 2 people to be partners but not friends and that friendship was an essential element in a spousal relationship. He mentioned friends who preferred doing things on their own without their partners. This is not to say that both become Siamese twins, its unhealthy (I'm discovering) not to have interests outside those he has and vice versa. Some days I just want to be on my own. However, on balance I would rather have him around than not. When something happens or someone forwards a joke, I want to share it with him. I like us to go out and watch movies together, read books together and be a big part of each others lives. For me, that is the only way to do it.

I am learning to take care of what the Bible calls 'the little foxes that spoil the vines.' I think it takes a deliberate effort to keep a relationship going strong. Anything left to itself eventually decays. We still have a long way to go. I hope I can be true to my writings, not perfect but true. It would be nice to read this in a few years and say 'Thank God I learnt that sooner rather than later.'

Love. Learn.

Day 27: Friend or Foe..

What would life be without friendship? I've been musing about my key relationships these days. I'm someone who has a lot of acquanitances but few people who I consider true friends. I've always been of the opinion that being a friend is an incredibly awesome responsibility that should not be taken lightly. Integrity is very important in any relationship and being open and honest. But what happens when you have something your friend isn't interested in hearing?

Should we still say? Or is preserving friendship the most important thing?Aren't we cheating our friends when we do not share our feelings. Are we foes for sharing the bitter truth? I am learning to ask myself questions before making to decision to say or keep quiet. 1. What is my motive; is my heart really in the right place? 2. What is the best way to communicate this feeling to my friend; is there a way I can package the message so it would be easy to receive?

I was once in a situation where I had serious concerns about a friend's relationship. I thought everything was rushed and she should be careful. But I kept quiet because I didn't want her to be upset with me. I didn't want her to feel that I didn't want her to be happy and so I said nothing. I regret that now, she ended up being married for what amounted to a few weeks. Maybe my words wouldn't have made a difference but I could have at least satisfied my heart that I had done what I knew to be right.

Friendship, such a simple word but sometimes the going so difficult.

Hmm...

Live. Learn.

Day 23: Question

Still hanging in there. Today I have a question and I would really appreciate if someone would respond to this one, pretty please? The question is 'Would you ever go through your partner's email, Facebook account, phone, USB without their permission?

I know a lot of couples have a 100% disclosure policy to their relationship. I and SO don't. Let me clarify, we talk about everything that pertains to our 'us.' The rule is 'do to the other person what you would like them to do to you.' Anything that concerns the other person must be shared. However, SO's occupation means that he handles a lot of sensitive, confidential information and in some cases he has to sign confidentiality agreements. Privately, he does do quite a bit of counselling and well he likes to protect the identity of his counselees (is there such a word) and while he may discuss the case with me he doesn't tell me who they are (at least most of the time...lol!).

On the other hand, there are partners who cheat and hide behind 'I need my boundaries'. Recently a friend of mind confirmed (she already had her suspicions) her husband's affair after going through the texts on his phone. I know her method was illegitimate and the end doesn't always justify the means. But what's right or wrong.

Food for thought. Please let me know.

Love. Learn.

Day 20: Friendship

Yesterday I was reminded of the power of friendship. I like to think that I'm a loner that the highest form of living is independence. This is untrue. Interdependence is, where I am independent enough, secure enough to know that acknowledging I need someone else is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

I'm grateful for the love of my friends. For the times we have shared, the good and the bad. Those who have stuck with me through different scenes and seasons. Even in romantic relationships, I think it is the friendship that keeps two people together more than anything else.

As the days go by, I've seen so many examples of how I haven't been a good friend and I really want to try and correct that. We need each other, we were not designed to walk this road of life alone.

Love. Learn.

Day 2: Building to last

I feel a bit bad that I didn't write yesterday. But like a dear commenter wrote..'Go at God's pace.' So I will with no pressure. Yesterday I was thinking about storms. Right now, I feel like I'm in the middle of the biggest one I have ever faced. Its like a wind has come and is blowing at everything. In a lot of ways I know that I have let the storm on the outside in and that is the reason why I've been on such on an emotional rollercoaster.

While I was thinking about storms I realised that I cannot build while the storm is raging. The storm only shows whether what I've been building before the storm was built to last. And sadly I see that I have to dig deep and deal with some things in my foundation, things I've been glossing over..sometimes something needs to be completely destroyed so you can face that what it needs is to be rebuilt and not given a new coat of paint.

Our 'us' is having a moment. Sometimes I'm not aware how much my own behaviour/disposition affects 'us' but right now I just feel like I need SO to be more understanding. And he isn't saying much. My friend L thinks I'm PMSing...lol! I hope so too. But its hard to be quiet and meditate, maybe that's why they are called spiritual disciplines. We have a good foundation and I know we will get through this and any other phase of life that comes. But this week, he feels so far away. Hmm..

We're building something to last. I'm building something to last. I'm not going to fight with the storm anymore. I'm going to look at the areas and see what needs strengthening. I'm going to stop reciting Scripture and actually start living it. Yesterday I let this scripture seep into my soul.

'Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.'

Love. Learn.

60 Minute Marriage..

I read the above titled book by Rob Parsons yesterday morning. From start to finish. The whole book. Its one of the best books I've read on relationships, marriage and parenting that I've read in a long time. He wrote it so that it could be read in an hour. It took me a bit longer because I was furiously making notes like there was an exam after that hour! My notes were my gift to SO yesterday and he really loved it. In his words, 'this is to be studied and not merely read!' I would like to share that email with you but as I lifted every single word directly from the book I think there will be copyright issues with that!

How to transform your marriage in an hour! Definitely worth the read. What I will share are the main points of the book, he describes them as the goals partners should aim for in marriage. To get more, read the book!

Communication
Learning to talk again and to give each other the dignity of knowing that they matter. Try to have an evening once a week for just the two of you. Defend it with your life
Don't confuse your partners need for space with rejection


Make time

In the 21st century, time pressure is killing relationships. We can live in the same house and still be strangers if we don't make time to really spend time with each other. I am really guilty of this one but hopefully my 30 Day challenge is helping me look for ways to actually bridge gaps and spend quality if not always quantity time.

To Survive Conflict

There will be conflict but it doesn't have to be a horrible thing. We must learn to deal with it. Attack issues and not people. Stick to those issues and remember the magic word FORGIVENESS. Learn to be the first to apologise.

To Accept what I can't change

While life is about change, people find change difficult. Don't be so focused on who you want your partner to be that you miss out on who they really are. We must love the whole package both the bits we like and those we don't. I would rather that SO loved long phone conversations but he doesn't and he makes it up to me in other ways so I have learnt to live with it. The refusal to accept what I couldn't change destroyed my last relationship. I am learning my lessons.


To be a Ghostbuster

We come into marriage with ourselves. That sounds funny but its true. We bring our hopes, dreams, fears, most importantly we bring our past. I spent a long time on this one because I know that my reaction to certain things are based mainly on what I saw in my parents marriage and in my previous relationship. I need to be more self-aware and ask myself why I react to certain things in a certain way. My inability to share my problems, my perfectionism, my sometimes critical response to certain situations. Hmm.. He recommends sharing with our partners our past hurts, heartbreaks and disappointments. Our partners deserve this, it provides context and promotes understanding.


To Believe in Lovemaking
Rob says that we should forget the Hollywood myths. Every couple will at some point experience a 'dry spell.' He/she may not be that interested. Men want women to initiate and be more available for sex. Women want men to be more affectionate, for her lovemaking starts long before the bedroom. There must be a way we can meet somewhere and be in a win/win situation. Read a book, get counselling whatever it takes for you to get your groove back.


To Dispel the Illusions

Marriage is more than romance. Sometimes its a dance and sometimes you're fighting to keep it alive. Forget thinking that you will be happier with someone else. The grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs mowing. I want to have a wonderful marriage. I want SO to be the happiest man alive because he's married to me. Its my goal and that's what I will keep working towards.

Relationship MOT

Its been such a long time since I've been here. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to actually write here again. I can actually see the cobwebs clearing...lol! I guess after a while of writing on a blog, I've got to the point where I would like to interact. To share my thoughts and have other people share my world. Hmm. I had a huge writing project and after handing that in just found writing difficult and I am just slowly going back to my journals and coming back here.

Now more than ever, I am even more interested in relationships. What makes a good one? How do we not allow time to erode what we have? How do we keep it all together. I read the following set of questions in my devotional a few months ago and shared them with SO. We called it a 'Relationship MOT' because we believe that they are truly important things to think about and honestly search for an answer to. Wanted to keep them close so decided to post them here.


A successful marriage is a give-and-take relationship with each party doing 90% giving and only 10% taking! Here are 10 questions to ask yourself about your ability to give and take.

 1. Are you willing to give silence when your spouse needs a little quiet time?
 2. Are you willing to take a rebuke and let it rest unchallenged?
 3. Are you willing to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt?
 4. Are you willing to take on an extra chore when you know your spouse is stressed out?
 5. Are you willing to give a word of spontaneous encouragement?
 6. Are you willing to take time to spend with your spouse - alone and without interruption?
7. Are you willing to give your spouse the courtesy of 'please' and 'thank you'?
 8. Are you willing to take a 'time out' when an argument appears to be overheating?
 9. Are you willing to give a compliment?
 10. Are you willing to take a criticism? 

Question time: Preparing for marriage

SO sent me this questions a while ago. I think he got it from one of his 'for my eyes only' magazines. I don't have a problem with them, from what he shares he is picking up things that have enhanced our relationship on different levels. The questions therefore are aimed at men but could also be answered by both genders. They require simply a Yes or No and yet they provide so much food for thought. 


1. Can you be comfortable with being completely vulnerable with your spouse? Or do you see this as a weakness?


2. Can you permanently control your ego and deal with your spouse without any attitude?


3. Can you settle for less or do you always have to win an argument?


4. Could you let go and kiss your partner goodnight after a row?


I could only answer Yes to 3 and 4. I could try for Yes with 2 but for the word permanent. 1, I know that I am still working on. For vulnerability has for a long time for me been viewed as weakness and I am just gradually allowing SO in; into my thoughts, my fears, my weaknesses and my strengths. 


Sometimes I do struggle with 4. If I am hurt I just don't want to talk. I just want to do my thing and let him get on with his. However the questions made me realise that having a great relationship means learning things that go contrary to my natural reaction. Between stimulus and response is the ability to choose. As Christians we have been given the Holy Spirit who enables the fruit of love to be borne in our lives. So even though I could respond in a certain way to something I can still choose to act different. 


Just wanted to share that before it got lost in a myriad of texts and emails. Choose to handle things differently to keep the love strong between you and your partner today.


Love. Learn.

Love is spelt T-I-M-E

I read 2 articles recently on love and time. The first article was David Jeremiah's Feb 2011 devotional where he dedicated the month to writing on love, marriage and sex. I love the way he showed that the Bible is full of wisdom concerning how one can have a loving, grounded relationship that can stand the test of time. I'm concerned at how many relationships start on such a high note and end with such bitterness and sorrow. I don't think any relationships just end abruptly, they gradually unravel and sometimes we are too busy or nonchalant to notice until it is on its final legs.


He talked about both quality and quantity of time. We live really busy lives in this century and its so easy to lose sight of each other within it. The past few months have been difficult for us but I'm thankful to God that we have been growing stronger for it every step of the way. We made a commitment early this year after a period of not seeing each other for a few weeks never to allow work or anything else get in the way of 'us'. Due to the nature of our jobs there are busy seasons and seeing that we don't live together yet it can get crazy sometimes. But we're aware of it and we are trying. I have to give it to my sweetheart he's much better at being in touch than me. As we don't get to see each other everyday..there's rarely a day I don't get a good morning AND goodnight text with lots of messages scattered through my day. 'Thinking of u', MUL, LUL and LUAs. You would think I would get tired of them but I don't.


The second article I read was from the Marriage Gems blog; see excerpt

'I don’t often quote advice from celebrities, but sometimes the advice is just simple enough to be helpful. Actor Colin Firth, who has been married to Italian director Livia Giuggioli for 15 years, was recently quoted regarding the secret to his happy marriage. He says a happy marriage is not too hard to attain when you set aside time for each other and treat one’s marriage like a “marathon.”

“We’re very committed on a daily basis to how we deal with our family lives. But the real secret is time—we have to make sure that we spend enough time together. Every relationship in life you’re going to have to take care of, there’s a marathon factor to it,” says Firth.

He added that despite all the tempting women one may encounter, it is important to remember none of them measure up to one’s own wife.'

Spending time together - an art that is gradually being lost not only by couples but families in general. Technology has made the world a global village and yet made islands out of individuals. We tweet, FB, IM people thousands of miles away and yet we have no clue what is going on in the life of the person lying next to us in bed. So far SO has been better at creating avenues for quality time where we can rest and just share. Its my responsibility to match up to him. I'm in this for the long haul and I think there is a lot of wisdom in Colin Firth's advice. He's been married for 15 years, in Hollywood that's an achievement. It would be wise to follow as well.

Love. Learn.

Good relationships; Great relationships

I and SO watched 'Why did I get married 2' this past weekend. It took us ages to watch because we kept talking about the movie. There were some interesting points raised in the movie and it made me think about what makes a great relationship? Is there something like a great relationship? Is it too lofty to think that after the honeymoon phase, two years, five years from now we would only tolerate each other. Will we always be in love and love each other?


I've decided to note the lessons I learnt from all the characters. 


Patricia (Janet Jackson)


The strength in vulnerability. She was the character that I related to the most out of the 4 women. I tend to want to be 'strong' by always acting as if I've got it all together. People come to me for advice on a variety of things including their relationships so its always been hard for me to scream 'I need help'! At the beginning of our relationship I learnt how detrimental keeping your partner out was. Effective communication should be the foundation of all relationships. It takes strength to admit that you need someone else. To allow someone else into your life to show them the good, bad and ugly. I'm learning how much I need people. I don't want to keep things in and just snap with disastrous consequences. Hmm...


Sheila (Jill Scott)


Leave the ex and the excess baggage that comes with it. When one has been in a bad relationship the temptation to punish the new partner for the wrongs of the past can be strong. We need to let go and move on. I learnt that SO is SO and while there are some ways in which I think all men are the same, my SO is my SO. Unique in his strengths, unique in his weaknesses as well. He isn't going anywhere because the ex left. He's here and he loves me.


Angela (Tasha Smith)


The importance of TRUST in a relationship. Because of the nature of his job, SO is big on confidentiality. Some people say if you trust the person you're with you should give them unlimited access to everything. Email passwords, phone passwords e.t.c. I think different, I think if he can trust you with his money then he trusts you...lol! No, I don't have the password to his phone or email account and he doesn't have mine either. I don't have anything to hide but we just don't roll like that. If at anytime he needs to access my email account I'll give it to him. I remember the first time he gave me his charge card to make a purchase, it was such a small thing and yet such a big thing as well. I learnt that while its important for both men and women to speak to each other with respect, its so much more important for a woman. Speaking to men not shouting at them and if we must shout we should do it within the confines of our own home. Trust is such a strong thing in keeping two people together when it is there and yet so fragile that it is easily broken. 


Dianne (Sharon Leal)


Good relationship....great relationship. This was the one I and SO had the longest discussion on. On the surface we had a great looking couple. They looked and sounded fabulous, great jobs, great kids, great house in the suburbs. SO asked me why I thought despite having a great husband, Dianne had an 'emotional' affair with a colleague at work. I don't really know. I just assumed it was the 'sameness' that often occurs when you have been with someone for a long time. I haven't gotten there yet so really can't comment on it. What I do know is that its more difficult to build a tower than it is to fall from it. This morning we had a long chat. I've never been of the opinion that being in love and loving your spouse prevented you from being attracted to someone else. Its about fireproofing our relationship. No one hopes for a fire but we keep a working smoke alarm and a fire extinguisher just in case. There's this scene where she brings flowers home without a card and lies to her husband about it. We discussed what we thought was appropriate to tell or not tell your spouse. He asked me if I would bring flowers home given to me by another man..I think it depends. Depends under what circumstances they were given. I hope I can always be in my right mind enough not to accept gifts from someone I know admires me. These days I'm a bit more careful in how I relate with members of the opposite sex. If I think they're interested I just move far. SO says, 'don't smell something you're not going to eat, don't do lunch, don't go by, stay as far away from the edge as you can' and I think the same.


I think it was a wonderful family movie to watch. It made me think. I'm really passionate about enriching romantic and marital relationships around me. It just kind of came to me this morning. I really would like to help people see that love and marriage are beautiful words and can still be relevant in the 21st century. We've all made mistakes. I want to learn from mine and grow from mine.


Keep learning..

Men vs. Women

Most people have read the book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'....I would guess that most of the people that have read that book are women...lol! I and SO have been talking about the differences between men and women. At the end of the day we both have to exist on one planet...right here on earth! While we academically acknowledge our differences we seem not to actually live with the understanding that we are different.


Sometimes when one of SO's friends calls him up for advice, he asks me for a woman's take on the issue. Because the truth is a lot of misunderstandings are simply that misunderstandings. I come to a conclusion without understanding the facts. I assume and I make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. In a relationship I'm learning that men and women need different things. I haven't even scratched the surface of what men want or need but I believe that with a lot more love and understanding it doesn't have to be war. There can be peaceful co-existence between the sexes, it doesn't have to be a battle, we are on the same team.


Funny thing is that when men and women have issues we turn to our friends of a similar sex as us to try and interpret what the 'darn ole fool' is up to...I use that term as a joke...lol! We ask our girlfriends to help us interpret a man we married and probably know better than them. Its not a problem to share with friends but at the end of the day maybe a man can give you a better clue as to what's going on with hubby than another lady. Just saying.


Men and women often use the same words...'I love you', 'I miss you' which could mean very different things. SO says men need to be respected, honoured and appreciated as the 'first among equals'...first among equals, what does that mean. We are Christians and we adhere to the Bible tenet that the husband is the 'head' of the home. By head we do not mean ruler or tyrant but a loving leader. I read somewhere that men need to be satisfied...in their bellies and a little under their bellies. SO agreed with this one so wholeheartedly that I almost burst out laughing. In every book written by a man for women to have better relationships they talk about food and sex. So I guess its pretty important. I'm not a great cook...but I'm learning. I'm used to cooking in a certain way but SO is very well travelled and loves good food. So world cuisine, here we come. I love that he gives a helping hand in the kitchen but I'm determined to be able to 'throw down' there. When I make something he likes he raves and raves about it for ages so its worth it just for that smile.


I pray to be able to satisfy my husband with whatever he needs as long as it is in my power. So when the time comes..Victoria's secrets and all...well bring it on. Although I haven't been serious about working on my body I know that losing a few pounds will help me feel that much more physically attractive. SO rolls his eyes whenever I talk about losing weight, bless him but for me I know its love speaking but I'm really going to try this year to stick to healthier eating habits.


Women need security. A woman needs to know a man will honour her above all else. That's love to a woman. She needs to know she is the only one and that you've got her back. She needs him to provide, protect and pursue. That's not too much is it? Most women need romance, the unexpected messages during the day, helping her out with the dishes at night when you know she's had a hard, long day. Well, its the little things that count. I still like to believe a woman would take a man that really loves her over money. I may be wrong.


I love watching movies with SO because we always find something to talk about afterwards, sometimes we pick up on different things and it helps me find a glimpse into how things work on Mars. Understanding your partner's culture and language goes so far in bridging gaps between you and them. Definitely worth the time and effort.

Extras

I'm always wondering how I should write on this blog. Like a 'Dear Diary' or something else. It's not like anyone is reading it, I just find writing my thoughts therapeutic. However, knowing myself I'm sure I will soon share it with someone at least but I think that thought is holding me back from sharing everything and really being bare faced. So I'm going to try harder to be honest and open. It begins with being honest and open with myself.


This post is about the 'ex', like I described in my last post...there is always that 'ex' you thought for sure you would spend the rest of your life with, the one you chose your children's names with, the one you thought was the ONE. The one when it ended you went into severe depression because you couldn't contemplate life without them. The one that when you think about in a few months or years time while you do wonder what life would have been with them, you still smile because you're happy where you are now and know it was for the best. Hmm, so many memories.


K is one of my oldest friends, male, female otherwise. I was friends with his younger brother first and we became closer friends when we both found ourselves relocating to a different country. In a lot of ways, K was an older brother...we sort of fell into our relationship. It was a very slow attraction, we didn't start formally dating until about 7 years after meeting each other. On my end I wasn't someone who really believed in dating and having boyfriends/girlfriends. I always thought relationships were important and should be taken seriously. I knew his family, he knew mine and honestly I just thought it was better and safer to go with someone you 'knew'.


We had issues, which relationship doesn't? The problem was that we couldn't ever discuss things through. The two problems I think that finished us from my end was acceptance and communication. At the end of the day I think there was a person I wanted or needed him to be and I couldn't accept the person that he was. The biggest lessons I learnt about myself in that relationship was to make a commitment to who a person was not what I hoped them to be. This isn't to say that we should not make people adhere to a higher standard but that we should be ready to accept them as they are. I also realised that I was a very impatient person...I want things done the way I want them when I want them. When you have to deal with yourself that's ok but when you have to deal with someone else it isn't as easy.


I was also scared because I saw so many similar traits between K and my dad. Its funny isn't it when you make up your mind to avoid something that you end up being it. My parents have had a difficult marriage and while I don't expect mine to be the same, its about learning from their mistakes and moving forward. So while he initiated the break up which honestly as a girl was a bit demoralising....lol! I decided to accept the offer. He did try to come back later when in his words 'the reality hit him' but I had learnt to live without him and the truth is that it is better to be single and happy than to be in a relationship and unhappy. I realised that unfortunately while I did love him it apparently wasn't enough to accept him unconditionally. 


It has been awkward..losing the relationship meant losing a friend. I was really close to his parents and was not able to relate with them anymore. I didn't know what to say, his mother's passing away last week hit me really hard. SO has asked me before if I still love K.  I can't say I don't because I do. There is a way in which I always will because he is like family. Irrespective of what our siblings do, we get upset with them but they remain family. That is how I love K. The love I have for him enables me realise that I am not the best person for him because eventually I may just nag him to death. I needed something different and so did he.  Loving SO and being with him has shown me that.


Some people are of the opinion that one should not keep in touch with their 'ex's' and I guess for some its a good thing so they can move on. Don't allow an ex to be an extra person in your relationship. My friend O is so close to his ex-girlfriend that her husband is uncomfortable with their relationship. I understand what he means about staying friends..after all your ex is a person but keeping things in perspective. I'm learning that in life answers are not always black or white...or right and wrong. There are different circumstances and we just have to do what we know to be best under those circumstances.


What happened two weeks ago could have escalated into a major problem if I and SO didn't have a good relationship to begin with. But I'm learning that on my end I'm going to be open and honest about everything that has to do with K with SO. He really has nothing to worry about and so I want my actions to assure him of that. 


Keep living, loving and learning.