Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Going back to go forward...II

I have quite a number of metaphors for love.  Love is like a garden, a tree, a force...but it is also like a seed. One day its this little thing that has been thrown in your heart, you hardly recognise that it is there but under the right conditions it germinates and then you have this beautiful plant that is neither you nor the other person but still you and the other person.

About 4 years into our friendship I just realised that something had changed. All of a sudden we were making plans to meet up more frequently, talking about different things, going from surface to deep conversations. I used to joke with him that it was time for him to get married and he would say the same to me. One day we met up for a drink/movie and he confided in me that he had met 'someone' but there were some obstacles and he was really worried about messing a good friendship up. I was surprised that my first feeling was one of disappointment. I was happy but disappointed. I told him that he would never know if he didn't try and what might seem like obstacles may be things that could be worked out. Sometime during the show, he reached out and held my hand. It wasn't a big deal and suddenly I realised that the friend was me. I should have been happy and a part of me was but then I panicked. I'll write a whole post about my pet peeves soon, fear and anxiety topping that list. The 'What ifs' of this world just came rumbling through my mind and I just tensed. Strange enough as we kissed each other goodbye that day I knew something had changed in our relationship.

Looking back now, sometimes we wonder what would have happened if we had just taken the plunge then. SO thinks we would have made it, as for me I'm not so sure. I'm surely a different woman than I was then in a lot of ways. There are some things I may not have been able to handle then that I feel more qualified to handle now. Like I said, something changed that day and we both decided (without a discussion..lol) to look for love somewhere else. We didn't talk as much any more and went on to different relationships. This is beginning to read like something from Danielle Steele but sometimes I guess truth is stranger than fiction. As I progress in my writing I will try and fill in some gaps but I don't know if this will always be anonymous and therefore there are some things I would rather not share yet.

We didn't know each other's significant others and I just felt that we both should have some space to focus on working on our relationships. I didn't speak to him for over a year. He did try to call and I would send the occasional text but one day I realised that he wasn't one of those people I could 'just be friends' with and it was better I took a break, a complete break. Until one day I got a text asking whether he'd done anything to offend me and that we should meet up soon to catch up.

So we somehow got talking. The previous year had actually been quite difficult for us both. Strangely enough we were both single again. And we kept talking and today we're still talking. I found out that I really was the friend from a few years ago. He just thought his baggage would be too much for me. I thought then that it would be too much for me too. But like I said I think right now I'm more equipped to handle things. I'll talk about it more in my next post.

Writing feels good.

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