Thursday, 10 February 2011


I'm always wondering how I should write on this blog. Like a 'Dear Diary' or something else. It's not like anyone is reading it, I just find writing my thoughts therapeutic. However, knowing myself I'm sure I will soon share it with someone at least but I think that thought is holding me back from sharing everything and really being bare faced. So I'm going to try harder to be honest and open. It begins with being honest and open with myself.

This post is about the 'ex', like I described in my last post...there is always that 'ex' you thought for sure you would spend the rest of your life with, the one you chose your children's names with, the one you thought was the ONE. The one when it ended you went into severe depression because you couldn't contemplate life without them. The one that when you think about in a few months or years time while you do wonder what life would have been with them, you still smile because you're happy where you are now and know it was for the best. Hmm, so many memories.

K is one of my oldest friends, male, female otherwise. I was friends with his younger brother first and we became closer friends when we both found ourselves relocating to a different country. In a lot of ways, K was an older brother...we sort of fell into our relationship. It was a very slow attraction, we didn't start formally dating until about 7 years after meeting each other. On my end I wasn't someone who really believed in dating and having boyfriends/girlfriends. I always thought relationships were important and should be taken seriously. I knew his family, he knew mine and honestly I just thought it was better and safer to go with someone you 'knew'.

We had issues, which relationship doesn't? The problem was that we couldn't ever discuss things through. The two problems I think that finished us from my end was acceptance and communication. At the end of the day I think there was a person I wanted or needed him to be and I couldn't accept the person that he was. The biggest lessons I learnt about myself in that relationship was to make a commitment to who a person was not what I hoped them to be. This isn't to say that we should not make people adhere to a higher standard but that we should be ready to accept them as they are. I also realised that I was a very impatient person...I want things done the way I want them when I want them. When you have to deal with yourself that's ok but when you have to deal with someone else it isn't as easy.

I was also scared because I saw so many similar traits between K and my dad. Its funny isn't it when you make up your mind to avoid something that you end up being it. My parents have had a difficult marriage and while I don't expect mine to be the same, its about learning from their mistakes and moving forward. So while he initiated the break up which honestly as a girl was a bit! I decided to accept the offer. He did try to come back later when in his words 'the reality hit him' but I had learnt to live without him and the truth is that it is better to be single and happy than to be in a relationship and unhappy. I realised that unfortunately while I did love him it apparently wasn't enough to accept him unconditionally. 

It has been awkward..losing the relationship meant losing a friend. I was really close to his parents and was not able to relate with them anymore. I didn't know what to say, his mother's passing away last week hit me really hard. SO has asked me before if I still love K.  I can't say I don't because I do. There is a way in which I always will because he is like family. Irrespective of what our siblings do, we get upset with them but they remain family. That is how I love K. The love I have for him enables me realise that I am not the best person for him because eventually I may just nag him to death. I needed something different and so did he.  Loving SO and being with him has shown me that.

Some people are of the opinion that one should not keep in touch with their 'ex's' and I guess for some its a good thing so they can move on. Don't allow an ex to be an extra person in your relationship. My friend O is so close to his ex-girlfriend that her husband is uncomfortable with their relationship. I understand what he means about staying friends..after all your ex is a person but keeping things in perspective. I'm learning that in life answers are not always black or white...or right and wrong. There are different circumstances and we just have to do what we know to be best under those circumstances.

What happened two weeks ago could have escalated into a major problem if I and SO didn't have a good relationship to begin with. But I'm learning that on my end I'm going to be open and honest about everything that has to do with K with SO. He really has nothing to worry about and so I want my actions to assure him of that. 

Keep living, loving and learning.

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