Monday, 7 February 2011

Getting it wrong; Trust

So many things have gone on in the past few weeks and its just funny that when I can't actually write until I have dealt with it all. I'm sure I've mentioned previously that both I and SO are 'quiet' people meaning we withdraw into ourselves when we are upset. Its how we manage not blowing our tops off but it does mean we create a wall where we seemingly shut the other person out. Communication is not merely about speaking, we can talk everyday, you can even lie next to your partner with their breath on your face and be so far away from them emotionally that you are thousand of miles away. Only God knows our thoughts. SO can sense from the sound of even a text message that something is up but it is my responsibility to tell him exactly what's up.

A few weeks ago I and SO had a discussion about honesty i.e. should you tell the other person everything? Should you shield them from things that may hurt them if they knew about it? I've always been one for 100% honesty between partners but what does that really mean? There could be a situation where something is said to one or the either partner in confidence and to tell would be to break a trust. In such instances I feel that as the situation does not concern me he doesn't need to tell me. I shared something I read in a book with SO about a man encountering his ex on a business trip and not sharing the information with his wife. Nothing happened between him and his ex but she's that ex...the one who's all legs (that's how I described her) so what was he to do? SO says well it depends on your partner, some women would say they want to know but they don't really. I thought he should have told his wife that he saw his ex because if his wife found out there would be hell to pay. 

Hmm, this blog is about honesty. I always say we live and we learn. We learn most from the mistakes that we have made. I got a call to say that a close family friend passed away. She wasn't sick so it was quite a shock. While she is a close family friend, she is also the mother of my ex...that ex. The one you thought you would marry and even practised your new signature ex. I and him are a story for another day and another post. I was shocked and sad at the news of her death. Our relationship has spanned just about half of my life and while I was in a relationship with her son I could really call her a second mother. I told SO it was a family friend's mum that passed but didn't mention the ex part. I just didn't want to bring the past up, didn't want him to misunderstand actions I would have to take. I thought I was protecting him.

I went to visit him with my mum, we cried together. There are very few people in the world who understood on some level how he was feeling and despite everything I was one of them. I also needed to be near people who knew her and who loved her. I told SO I would be going there after work to 'check up on him, make sure he eats etc'. I noticed he sounded a bit odd and sometime in the early hours of the morning I received a message..'Is he your ex?'...I looked at my phone...I couldn't lie and so I said 'Yes'. He responded 'Don't you think that is a material omission in the information you gave me?' and it was true. I knew I would have to be there for K (why do we use labels like ex???) and I didn't want him to think that there was anything going on because there isn't and I will explain why later. But not saying everything made it seem like there was something to hide when there wasn't. 

He said it was ok to visit but why did I feel the need to go back again? etc. I explained, he said he understood but I knew he was upset. I decided not to go, he said that I should if I needed to but I decided not to. A few days later I apologised. I was watching BET and I heard a man talking about love and respect. He said that there were two different things. So many people get love but they don't respect their partner. Respect means not doing anything that hurts the other person....that struck me deep. I didn't apologise for going to see K...I apologised for not putting all the cards on the table. On my end my actions made perfect sense but I didn't really consider how he would feel. I tried to turn the situation around and wondered how I would feel if I found out that he went to visit a 'friend' who was also an 'ex'. Honestly, it wouldn't hurt me but I would wonder why he couldn't say.

I love him and definitely don't want to do anything to hurt him. Trust is such a strong thing that binds two people together and is yet so fragile and easily broken. In this instance my 'prior record' didn't make this a crack. We always tell each other where we'll be especially when we have to deal with members of the opposite sex on our own. Its not about policing each other but we keep each other accountable. I trust him absolutely and I know that a little bit of doubt can start unravelling the cords..

Well we live and learn. Just wanted to share that.

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