Day 28: Preserve the friendship..

During a conversation at the weekend, SO brought up the fact that it is possible for 2 people to be partners but not friends and that friendship was an essential element in a spousal relationship. He mentioned friends who preferred doing things on their own without their partners. This is not to say that both become Siamese twins, its unhealthy (I'm discovering) not to have interests outside those he has and vice versa. Some days I just want to be on my own. However, on balance I would rather have him around than not. When something happens or someone forwards a joke, I want to share it with him. I like us to go out and watch movies together, read books together and be a big part of each others lives. For me, that is the only way to do it.

I am learning to take care of what the Bible calls 'the little foxes that spoil the vines.' I think it takes a deliberate effort to keep a relationship going strong. Anything left to itself eventually decays. We still have a long way to go. I hope I can be true to my writings, not perfect but true. It would be nice to read this in a few years and say 'Thank God I learnt that sooner rather than later.'

Love. Learn.

Day 27: Friend or Foe..

What would life be without friendship? I've been musing about my key relationships these days. I'm someone who has a lot of acquanitances but few people who I consider true friends. I've always been of the opinion that being a friend is an incredibly awesome responsibility that should not be taken lightly. Integrity is very important in any relationship and being open and honest. But what happens when you have something your friend isn't interested in hearing?

Should we still say? Or is preserving friendship the most important thing?Aren't we cheating our friends when we do not share our feelings. Are we foes for sharing the bitter truth? I am learning to ask myself questions before making to decision to say or keep quiet. 1. What is my motive; is my heart really in the right place? 2. What is the best way to communicate this feeling to my friend; is there a way I can package the message so it would be easy to receive?

I was once in a situation where I had serious concerns about a friend's relationship. I thought everything was rushed and she should be careful. But I kept quiet because I didn't want her to be upset with me. I didn't want her to feel that I didn't want her to be happy and so I said nothing. I regret that now, she ended up being married for what amounted to a few weeks. Maybe my words wouldn't have made a difference but I could have at least satisfied my heart that I had done what I knew to be right.

Friendship, such a simple word but sometimes the going so difficult.

Hmm...

Live. Learn.

Day 26: Keeping at it!

I don't always have 'that loving feeling' and some days the most loving thing I feel I do is doing the dishes or the laundry. But even when I don't feel like I want love to be a habit. Doing whether I feel like or not.

Love.

Day 25: Being a Lover

This is a #sharing one..

Presence is more than just being there - Malcolm Forbes

'What does it mean to be a lover? It is more than just being married to or making love to someone. Millions of people are married, millions of people have sex-but few are real lovers. To be a real lover, you must commit to and participate in a perpetual dance of intimacy with your partner.

You are a lover when you appreciate the gift that your partner is and celebrate that gift everyday. You are a lover when you remember that your partner does not belong to you-he or she is on loan from the universe. You are a lover when you realize that nothing that happens between you will be insignificant, that everything you say in the relationship has the potential to cause your beloved love or sorrow, and everything you do will either strengthen your connection or weaken it. 

You are a lover when you understand all this, and thus wake up each morning filled with gratitude that you have another day in which to love and enjoy your partner. When you have a lover in your life, you are richly blessed. You have chosen the gift of another person who has chosen to walk beside you. He or she will share your days and your nights, your bed and your burdens. Your lover will see secret parts of you that no one else sees. He or she will touch places on your body that no one else touches. Your lover will seek out where you have been hiding and create a haven for you within safe, loving arms.

Your lover offers you an abundance of miracles every day. He has the power to delight you with his smile, his voice, the scent of his neck, the way he moves. She has the power to banish your loneliness. He has the power to turn the ordinary into the sublime. She is your doorway to heaven here on earth.'

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D

Love.

Day 24: Changes

Something I read a few days ago has been on my mind all week. The difference between what we know and what we do. Deep within, I know that there are certain steps I need to take to get me to where I need to be. For example, I always seem to be thinking, talking, journalling about my weight. I know the changes I need to make to my diet. I know I need to be more active but I haven't really been doing anything about it. Just accumulating a lot of knowledge.

Change, constant and yet so difficult. I am inspired these days when I see and read of people overcoming all sorts of odds to achieve what was thought to be impossible for them. Therefore my next 30 days challenge is going to be more on a healthy lifestyle. If you can do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit. I'll be away for a few days as its my birthday this weekend. But I have this expectant feeling on the inside that wonderful things are in store for me.

Learn.

Day 23: Question

Still hanging in there. Today I have a question and I would really appreciate if someone would respond to this one, pretty please? The question is 'Would you ever go through your partner's email, Facebook account, phone, USB without their permission?

I know a lot of couples have a 100% disclosure policy to their relationship. I and SO don't. Let me clarify, we talk about everything that pertains to our 'us.' The rule is 'do to the other person what you would like them to do to you.' Anything that concerns the other person must be shared. However, SO's occupation means that he handles a lot of sensitive, confidential information and in some cases he has to sign confidentiality agreements. Privately, he does do quite a bit of counselling and well he likes to protect the identity of his counselees (is there such a word) and while he may discuss the case with me he doesn't tell me who they are (at least most of the time...lol!).

On the other hand, there are partners who cheat and hide behind 'I need my boundaries'. Recently a friend of mind confirmed (she already had her suspicions) her husband's affair after going through the texts on his phone. I know her method was illegitimate and the end doesn't always justify the means. But what's right or wrong.

Food for thought. Please let me know.

Love. Learn.

Day 22: Lol! Men and Women

I'm not liking this inconsistency for the last few days. Its been a good month. Haven't hit it 'all' but I can see good changes. Changing the way I see things and I am sure that this will be accompanied by a change in behaviour as well. I came across this list and it made me laugh so I'm sharing it here. Highlights once again the classic difference between men and women. After laughing however, I am determined not the be this woman. Instead of saying 'fine', I'm learning to say 'I feel hurt because..' hopefully the silent treatment days are behind me. I'll be honest, I'm not totally giving that one up because sometimes I feel SO hears me more when I'm quiet ha, ha. Anyway to any ladies who may read this, I suggest you share this with your partner/spouse. Communication aids understanding. At least then he knows what to watch out for. SO says he's compiling a dictionary to enable men understand women..lol!

Nine words women use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine!

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”. (I want to add in a clause here – this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” it will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying Get Lost!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response please refer to # 3.


Live.

Day 21: Heaven sent...to work here on earth

I really like this song. The line that gets me is 'I want to be the one who you believe in your heart is sent from heaven.' The last time I listened to this song, after my hmming and smiling I realised that irrespective of whether I or SO was or is sent from heaven the work to keep the love alive must be done here on earth. Hope you enjoy it and thank God for who is Heaven sent to you.

For some reason I can't embed the video : (

Love.

Day 20: Friendship

Yesterday I was reminded of the power of friendship. I like to think that I'm a loner that the highest form of living is independence. This is untrue. Interdependence is, where I am independent enough, secure enough to know that acknowledging I need someone else is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

I'm grateful for the love of my friends. For the times we have shared, the good and the bad. Those who have stuck with me through different scenes and seasons. Even in romantic relationships, I think it is the friendship that keeps two people together more than anything else.

As the days go by, I've seen so many examples of how I haven't been a good friend and I really want to try and correct that. We need each other, we were not designed to walk this road of life alone.

Love. Learn.

Day 19: Getting a Life..

I would file this post under 'Getting It Wrong.' This blog is about sharing what I'm learning, inevitably that means sharing mistakes I've made and correcting them. I read a book a few years ago when I was single called 'The 10 Commandments of Dating' and the very first commandment was 'Thou shalt get a life.' This was just to encourage single people to live whilst waiting for Mr or Miss Right. There is a difference between being alive and living. I have spent periods of my life just going from day to day, literally counting down time to know the difference.

I've been guilty of not having a life. Of trying to get everything I need from our relationship. No relationship, no matter how healthy is designed to take this type of pressure. I realised recently that some dissatisfaction and disappointment I had been experiencing lately which I wanted to blame on my poor SO had absolutlely nothing to do with him. Emotionally healthy people make an emotionally healthy relationship. Women in particular tend to be guilty of this. I don't know how many older women have told me to always remember the 'me in us.' Not that I shouldn't love him or even put his needs over mine. Love is about sacrifice but that I should never forget the me in us. I should remember to have my time, my goals, my dreams and my destiny.

I'm blessed because so far SO has been very supportive and even though right now I'm at a cross roads so to speak I believe I have a one-man fan club encouraging me in the right direction. If I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing I'll be happy and fulfilled. That can only be good for us both. So I'm celebrating getting a life. Whatever path the road takes, I pray never to lose sight of who I am. I'm getting a life.

Learn. Live.

Day 18: Solitude

Not too many words today. Its about finding rest for my soul. Still learning to practice the art of silence and meditation. Sometimes its good to shut everything and everyone out, connect with our Maker, recharge and restore.

Love.Live.Learn.

Day 18: On Love and other things..

'I don't think there is any substitute for love. Nothing else compares or compensates for it. Being liked is often not enough, love is it. So intangible, often indescribable  yet so uniquely important. Love comes with endurance, the strength that makes you stay in the race even when you're tired and want to give up. It makes you commit to live with a person who isn't perfect and learn to adapt to them bringing both their strengths and weaknesses into your life.  Love is respect, respecting your person and opinions, respecting that you matter. Have I told you lately that I love you? You fill my heart with gladness and take away my sadness. Love you always.'


First, I just want to say thanks to all who commented on my last post. It's encouraging when people leave comments : ) The above is what I call a 'word-collage' from different messages I received from SO in the last few days. Well the last sentence is a line from his favourite song. People ask me if love is the only thing required to keep a relationship strong and last the test of time. I used to say 'Yes' but now I say 'Yes and No'. I think it depends on what we define love as. Romantic love is definitely not enough but love and the other things it comes with should be. Things like respect, endurance, commitment, fidelity, integrity. I still have a very long way to go on this journey but learning from people who have been successful these traits and characteristics seem to be a common thread. Whatever people want to call it whether love or other things the important thing is for me to have it in my life so that I can use it in my relationship. If I don't have integrity, I won't bring integrity into my relationship.

Well its the weekend and I'm having a very quiet one but I just want to say that we should tell someone we love them. It doesn't matter who as long as its genuine. Have a wonderful one.

Love.

Day 17: Letting It Go

I don't know how to let things go. Physically, emotionally otherwise. Every time I do a clean up, I see some things I have been hanging onto for years. I try and justify my reasons for hanging on to the things.'you never know when you might need this' etc..lol! And some of them are so insignificant, notes from people I no longer speak to, a to do list for a day that was 3 years ago..LOL! I was laughing to myself until I began to think about my heart. About some issues and some people where I hadn't let things go. The real word is forgiveness but sometimes that sounds too heavy to deal with.

Of course I smile and I am polite with them, I say 'Don't worry, its ok' but I have been lying to people and lying to myself. The thing is that my heart just like my room was only designed to handle so much at a time. Space is limited and after a while its all just clutter and there's no room to move...no room to love. These days I keep repeating to myself 'do you want to be right or be reconciled?' and I need room so I am learning to let things go.

Its easy to write 'letting it go' but I have been breathing really deeply. To forgive is to release. There is this temporary feeling of joy I have when I say 'I'm letting this issue go' but after a while my emotions begin to change and the anger resurfaces. I used to let this make me feel bad and keep trying to 'feel the forgiveness.' I just realised that expecting those feelings and emotions put me in a better place to deal with them. Like love, forgiveness is a decision I must make every single time when feelings go out of sync. So on this journey, its little letting go of the 'junk' both physically and emotionally.

There's just too much love to give and receive in this world for me to be crowding my life with some things anymore. Thank God for clarity.

Love. Live.