The Journey

Love like life is a journey. Somehow you don't realise where and when you started but you just commit to taking it to its final destination. Today is Valentine's Day (groan)...lol! I'm not a Valentine's day fan. Never was and I doubt if I ever will be. A big difference between I and SO is what I call the 'mushiness' factor. SO is incredibly romantic and thoughtful. Unexpected gifts and surprises...which reminds me I must do a love languages post soon. I loved that book! I opened my door on Saturday to see a dozen red roses. I actually used to hate flowers. I mean from when you receive them, they're dying and I couldn't be bothered to put them in a vase and get rid of them a few days later. But I'm appreciating the 'I love you' behind it.

When it comes to Valentine's day I think it's an everyday thing. Maybe some couples need to take that day out to celebrate their love for each other but I find the commercial stuff behind it nauseating sometimes. Flowers, cards, chocolate, wine...for me my perfect day out is a day in with SO. We're so bad for each other, we can actually spend a whole day indoors with good DVDs, good food and just chat the day away. It may take about 4 hours to watch a 2 hour movie because we keep talking about it, debating and...well! I'm lucky because I always know that he loves me. I don't need a special day to remind me. For me its like how Christmas has become about gifts and turkeys etc. I just think the focus of some of these things have been lost.

My thoughts are so random, I was talking about journeys and now I've jumped into talking about Valentine's day. In a lot of ways I had a rough 2010. So many changes and things to deal with. Apart from my relationship with SO I think I've let myself slide in so many other areas. Physically, mentally, professionally I'm not just where I need to be. If I had to give myself a grade it would be a D+. One of my weaknesses is starting things without completing them. I want to take the different areas of my life one at a time and strategise, make goals and see them come to completion.

I need this year to be my fittest, healthiest year in every area of my life. Life is a journey and I'm raring to go. Live.love.learn. Live is not just about having breath but its about maximising each day and taking from it the very best that I can take. So the next few posts will be on the journey. I'll break it down into different areas.

Enjoy..

Men vs. Women

Most people have read the book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'....I would guess that most of the people that have read that book are women...lol! I and SO have been talking about the differences between men and women. At the end of the day we both have to exist on one planet...right here on earth! While we academically acknowledge our differences we seem not to actually live with the understanding that we are different.


Sometimes when one of SO's friends calls him up for advice, he asks me for a woman's take on the issue. Because the truth is a lot of misunderstandings are simply that misunderstandings. I come to a conclusion without understanding the facts. I assume and I make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. In a relationship I'm learning that men and women need different things. I haven't even scratched the surface of what men want or need but I believe that with a lot more love and understanding it doesn't have to be war. There can be peaceful co-existence between the sexes, it doesn't have to be a battle, we are on the same team.


Funny thing is that when men and women have issues we turn to our friends of a similar sex as us to try and interpret what the 'darn ole fool' is up to...I use that term as a joke...lol! We ask our girlfriends to help us interpret a man we married and probably know better than them. Its not a problem to share with friends but at the end of the day maybe a man can give you a better clue as to what's going on with hubby than another lady. Just saying.


Men and women often use the same words...'I love you', 'I miss you' which could mean very different things. SO says men need to be respected, honoured and appreciated as the 'first among equals'...first among equals, what does that mean. We are Christians and we adhere to the Bible tenet that the husband is the 'head' of the home. By head we do not mean ruler or tyrant but a loving leader. I read somewhere that men need to be satisfied...in their bellies and a little under their bellies. SO agreed with this one so wholeheartedly that I almost burst out laughing. In every book written by a man for women to have better relationships they talk about food and sex. So I guess its pretty important. I'm not a great cook...but I'm learning. I'm used to cooking in a certain way but SO is very well travelled and loves good food. So world cuisine, here we come. I love that he gives a helping hand in the kitchen but I'm determined to be able to 'throw down' there. When I make something he likes he raves and raves about it for ages so its worth it just for that smile.


I pray to be able to satisfy my husband with whatever he needs as long as it is in my power. So when the time comes..Victoria's secrets and all...well bring it on. Although I haven't been serious about working on my body I know that losing a few pounds will help me feel that much more physically attractive. SO rolls his eyes whenever I talk about losing weight, bless him but for me I know its love speaking but I'm really going to try this year to stick to healthier eating habits.


Women need security. A woman needs to know a man will honour her above all else. That's love to a woman. She needs to know she is the only one and that you've got her back. She needs him to provide, protect and pursue. That's not too much is it? Most women need romance, the unexpected messages during the day, helping her out with the dishes at night when you know she's had a hard, long day. Well, its the little things that count. I still like to believe a woman would take a man that really loves her over money. I may be wrong.


I love watching movies with SO because we always find something to talk about afterwards, sometimes we pick up on different things and it helps me find a glimpse into how things work on Mars. Understanding your partner's culture and language goes so far in bridging gaps between you and them. Definitely worth the time and effort.

Extras

I'm always wondering how I should write on this blog. Like a 'Dear Diary' or something else. It's not like anyone is reading it, I just find writing my thoughts therapeutic. However, knowing myself I'm sure I will soon share it with someone at least but I think that thought is holding me back from sharing everything and really being bare faced. So I'm going to try harder to be honest and open. It begins with being honest and open with myself.


This post is about the 'ex', like I described in my last post...there is always that 'ex' you thought for sure you would spend the rest of your life with, the one you chose your children's names with, the one you thought was the ONE. The one when it ended you went into severe depression because you couldn't contemplate life without them. The one that when you think about in a few months or years time while you do wonder what life would have been with them, you still smile because you're happy where you are now and know it was for the best. Hmm, so many memories.


K is one of my oldest friends, male, female otherwise. I was friends with his younger brother first and we became closer friends when we both found ourselves relocating to a different country. In a lot of ways, K was an older brother...we sort of fell into our relationship. It was a very slow attraction, we didn't start formally dating until about 7 years after meeting each other. On my end I wasn't someone who really believed in dating and having boyfriends/girlfriends. I always thought relationships were important and should be taken seriously. I knew his family, he knew mine and honestly I just thought it was better and safer to go with someone you 'knew'.


We had issues, which relationship doesn't? The problem was that we couldn't ever discuss things through. The two problems I think that finished us from my end was acceptance and communication. At the end of the day I think there was a person I wanted or needed him to be and I couldn't accept the person that he was. The biggest lessons I learnt about myself in that relationship was to make a commitment to who a person was not what I hoped them to be. This isn't to say that we should not make people adhere to a higher standard but that we should be ready to accept them as they are. I also realised that I was a very impatient person...I want things done the way I want them when I want them. When you have to deal with yourself that's ok but when you have to deal with someone else it isn't as easy.


I was also scared because I saw so many similar traits between K and my dad. Its funny isn't it when you make up your mind to avoid something that you end up being it. My parents have had a difficult marriage and while I don't expect mine to be the same, its about learning from their mistakes and moving forward. So while he initiated the break up which honestly as a girl was a bit demoralising....lol! I decided to accept the offer. He did try to come back later when in his words 'the reality hit him' but I had learnt to live without him and the truth is that it is better to be single and happy than to be in a relationship and unhappy. I realised that unfortunately while I did love him it apparently wasn't enough to accept him unconditionally. 


It has been awkward..losing the relationship meant losing a friend. I was really close to his parents and was not able to relate with them anymore. I didn't know what to say, his mother's passing away last week hit me really hard. SO has asked me before if I still love K.  I can't say I don't because I do. There is a way in which I always will because he is like family. Irrespective of what our siblings do, we get upset with them but they remain family. That is how I love K. The love I have for him enables me realise that I am not the best person for him because eventually I may just nag him to death. I needed something different and so did he.  Loving SO and being with him has shown me that.


Some people are of the opinion that one should not keep in touch with their 'ex's' and I guess for some its a good thing so they can move on. Don't allow an ex to be an extra person in your relationship. My friend O is so close to his ex-girlfriend that her husband is uncomfortable with their relationship. I understand what he means about staying friends..after all your ex is a person but keeping things in perspective. I'm learning that in life answers are not always black or white...or right and wrong. There are different circumstances and we just have to do what we know to be best under those circumstances.


What happened two weeks ago could have escalated into a major problem if I and SO didn't have a good relationship to begin with. But I'm learning that on my end I'm going to be open and honest about everything that has to do with K with SO. He really has nothing to worry about and so I want my actions to assure him of that. 


Keep living, loving and learning.

Getting it wrong; Trust

So many things have gone on in the past few weeks and its just funny that when I can't actually write until I have dealt with it all. I'm sure I've mentioned previously that both I and SO are 'quiet' people meaning we withdraw into ourselves when we are upset. Its how we manage not blowing our tops off but it does mean we create a wall where we seemingly shut the other person out. Communication is not merely about speaking, we can talk everyday, you can even lie next to your partner with their breath on your face and be so far away from them emotionally that you are thousand of miles away. Only God knows our thoughts. SO can sense from the sound of even a text message that something is up but it is my responsibility to tell him exactly what's up.


A few weeks ago I and SO had a discussion about honesty i.e. should you tell the other person everything? Should you shield them from things that may hurt them if they knew about it? I've always been one for 100% honesty between partners but what does that really mean? There could be a situation where something is said to one or the either partner in confidence and to tell would be to break a trust. In such instances I feel that as the situation does not concern me he doesn't need to tell me. I shared something I read in a book with SO about a man encountering his ex on a business trip and not sharing the information with his wife. Nothing happened between him and his ex but she's that ex...the one who's all legs (that's how I described her) so what was he to do? SO says well it depends on your partner, some women would say they want to know but they don't really. I thought he should have told his wife that he saw his ex because if his wife found out there would be hell to pay. 


Hmm, this blog is about honesty. I always say we live and we learn. We learn most from the mistakes that we have made. I got a call to say that a close family friend passed away. She wasn't sick so it was quite a shock. While she is a close family friend, she is also the mother of my ex...that ex. The one you thought you would marry and even practised your new signature ex. I and him are a story for another day and another post. I was shocked and sad at the news of her death. Our relationship has spanned just about half of my life and while I was in a relationship with her son I could really call her a second mother. I told SO it was a family friend's mum that passed but didn't mention the ex part. I just didn't want to bring the past up, didn't want him to misunderstand actions I would have to take. I thought I was protecting him.


I went to visit him with my mum, we cried together. There are very few people in the world who understood on some level how he was feeling and despite everything I was one of them. I also needed to be near people who knew her and who loved her. I told SO I would be going there after work to 'check up on him, make sure he eats etc'. I noticed he sounded a bit odd and sometime in the early hours of the morning I received a message..'Is he your ex?'...I looked at my phone...I couldn't lie and so I said 'Yes'. He responded 'Don't you think that is a material omission in the information you gave me?' and it was true. I knew I would have to be there for K (why do we use labels like ex???) and I didn't want him to think that there was anything going on because there isn't and I will explain why later. But not saying everything made it seem like there was something to hide when there wasn't. 


He said it was ok to visit but why did I feel the need to go back again? etc. I explained, he said he understood but I knew he was upset. I decided not to go, he said that I should if I needed to but I decided not to. A few days later I apologised. I was watching BET and I heard a man talking about love and respect. He said that there were two different things. So many people get love but they don't respect their partner. Respect means not doing anything that hurts the other person....that struck me deep. I didn't apologise for going to see K...I apologised for not putting all the cards on the table. On my end my actions made perfect sense but I didn't really consider how he would feel. I tried to turn the situation around and wondered how I would feel if I found out that he went to visit a 'friend' who was also an 'ex'. Honestly, it wouldn't hurt me but I would wonder why he couldn't say.


I love him and definitely don't want to do anything to hurt him. Trust is such a strong thing that binds two people together and is yet so fragile and easily broken. In this instance my 'prior record' didn't make this a crack. We always tell each other where we'll be especially when we have to deal with members of the opposite sex on our own. Its not about policing each other but we keep each other accountable. I trust him absolutely and I know that a little bit of doubt can start unravelling the cords..


Well we live and learn. Just wanted to share that.

On Blokes and men..

I just finished reading a book titled 'William Walkers First Year of Marriage'...it made me lol all through. It got me thinking about blokes and men. There is a difference and it has nothing to do with age. It was interesting to see things through a man's eye for once and try and attempt to understand why he reasons the way he does. 


The difference between blokes and men is that the latter have grown up while the former haven't. A bloke is 'me, me, me' and not 'us, us, us'. I tell darling SO that it will only work when 'us' becomes bigger and more important that 'you' or 'me'. 


Funny book though...recommended read. Some interesting quotes from the book.


'Marriage is like life in this-that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses.' Robert Louis Stevenson


'My advice for any newlyweds is stick at it, you will always have the snags but use a bit of sense!' Gladys Mott

'Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished' Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe


That was so totally random...lol!

Growing up

'When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put  the ways of childhood behind me'  

1st Corinthians 13:11

Hmm...this passage popped into my head this morning as I was thinking. Yes, I think a lot. One of my best friends likes making this statement that 'love is abstract until it is required.' I always wondered what she meant. Yes, love is this abstract thing..that you cannot define. Sometimes its an emotion, most times its a decision but you can't say anything about it until you really need to love someone. Love may mean keeping quiet, it may also mean saying something. Love may mean walking away, it may also mean staying put. It depends on what is required at that given time.


Over the weekend, I noticed that SO was a bit low. Its amazing that even via text messages someone can not 'sound' right. I asked him about it and he didn't want to talk about it. For some reason I was hurt. I just felt shut out. Hmm (I hmm a lot), all of a sudden my focus was on poor me and my feelings. He does get like that once in a while and if I'm honest I do too. I did tell him that I would prefer if he spoke to me but I understood if he didn't want to. I'm sorry but I was lying because I didn't really understand. Since then I've just felt this distance between us but it's more on my end if I'm being honest so when that message popped up this morning I kinda knew it was for me.


This week I learnt about time...its not so much that time heals the wound it just gives it the opportunity to heal. Like I said no matter how much we love someone sometimes we just need time...to open the windows and clear the room. Sometimes we need space. Not for ages but just to assert ourselves as an individual in a relationship because no matter how close you are even if you share a toothbrush you are an individual with wants and needs that sometimes differ from your partner.


Just realised that growing up comes with pain...when a baby gets his/her first teeth its uncomfortable, they are irritable but they need to persevere through it to the other side. Maturity is an essential requirement of any relationship. My reasoning and talking is childish because children are concerned about themselves, adults have to be responsible for someone else. A pain of growing up...but grow up we must if we are to have healthy relationships. 


I'm happy that the verse quoted above separated reasoning from talking...I can be so childish in my reasoning sometimes and though I may not say anything to show how silly I am....our minds are powerful things. I had so many bad thoughts this week and totally unfounded ones at that. Well by the grace of God I'm getting there.


'I love you darling and these past few days I have missed you more than you can imagine. Its  easier to write that I understand than it is to really understand but I trust you and I'm here if you need me. That's the growing up I was referring to earlier...'


Guess this is where the 'deeply, unconditionally, forever and beyond' kicks in...

Picture Perfect?

I've just been musing about how things can be so different from what they look like on the surface. One of the big lessons I've learnt is that wisdom requires looking beyond the surface to know things as they really are, not what we think they are, not we want them to be. But as they really are.

Reading some blogs, reading some of the stuff I've written one could be forgiven for assuming that there are some perfect relationships. There aren't. I'm a perfectionist, I like things being perfect but I'm learning that no matter how hard I try, I'm not perfect. I can only do my best and on some days even that doesn't cut it. I used to be a fan of wedding websites and it's fun oohing and aahing at the pictures and I have no doubt that the couple I'm looking at is very happy but that's life. It's difficult to cram the last few years you've shared with someone into a website. Sometimes the stories sound like fairy tales but underneath the pictures I'm sure there are many stories.

So no we don't have a perfect relationship. Because neither of us is perfect. Two imperfect people cannot have a perfect relationship. However, it shouldn't just be the two of you...it should be him, me and God ( a threefold cord not easily broken). Even as I'm typing this we're having a moment. In many cases, opposites attract. In our case, our similarities more than anything attracted us to each other and when we have issues its those same similarities that bring the cracks. We both retreat into our shells when we are upset so it can be frustrating sometimes and all my communication tips just seem to fly out of my head and I want to do the silent treatment thing. When I was younger and I got mad...umm let's just say I would say ugly things. Now I'm older and to combat that I started keeping my mouth shut but doing that just puts my mind in overdrive and I withdraw and become cold and distant. We've never had a big fight....the promise is to never sleep on an argument and we haven't broken that so far but then we've never had a problem at 11pm at night...lol!

Well, the commitment is to still love you even when I'm upset and frustrated. So no we don't always get it right but when you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone I guess that's inevitable. The main reason why I wrote this was because so many times people want to compare their relationships with someone else's based on what they think they know about the relationship. Usually it isn't as perfect as it looks, we all look good with makeup on! Learn from other people, what they did that worked for them and the mistakes they've made also. I pray never to compare SO to anyone else and say I wished he was more like so and so. I'll write a post on what my weaknesses are. Only advice I would give...is to never stop talking to each other. Once the lines of communication are open things usually have a way of working out.

Keep living, loving and learning..

I love you but what's in the bag?

One day I hope to sit somewhere and just read all the posts on this blog and go through the different emotions that come with them. In my last post I was talking about baggage. We come into relationships 'as is', as we are with our strengths and our weaknesses. Our hopes and our fears. The problem usually is that we have this facade, this person we want to be and that really impedes us in our relationships because the other person doesn't really have an idea of who they are dealing with.

SO has what most women would consider the ultimate baggage, an ex-wife and kids. The other obstacle we had was the quite significant age difference between us. Over a decade. There was a time when both situations, the age difference and children would have been a big NO from me and yet here I am. On the age difference side, I had always expected that my husband would be quite older than I was as I've never had any friends male or female that wasn't at least 5 years older and people usually mistake me for someone older. They try and be nice and say its not how I look but how I act and I smile and choose to believe them! Lol! 'Tis true, I do come across as someone much older and in a lot of ways my age is just catching up. The first person I dated was 7 years older than me and for me that wasn't an issue. I just never thought I'd go over the 10 year gap.

I'm not one of those people who subscribe to the 'just love, everything else will take care of itself' idea. I did think long and hard about both issues. Maybe not too long and not too hard...lol! I'd always known about his boys from the word go. The first day we met he showed me their pictures in his wallet and the truth is that if they were girls and not boys I'm not sure I would be writing this post. I'm proud of SO, proud of his ex as well for the way they made the best out of a bad situation. The boys stayed with him after the split, it was their decision and their mother respected it. I met them a number of times before our awkward phase, they call me Aunty, they still do. Am I scared? A little bit...I'm not a mother talk less of being a step mother but they are teenagers and I'm not their mother. They have a mother. With boys its much easier than it would have been with girls. After all the horror stories I've heard about stepmums and all, actually realising that I'm going to become one is well....interesting. Maybe I should be more anxious about it but I'm not. We've had so many discussions about this, my fears and concerns and well I'm still here.

The thing is that no matter how a relationship goes, once there are children involved you maintain a permanent relationship with that person whether you like them or not, whether you want to or not. You have a shared responsibility till death do you part. I really like the boys. I think they did a good job. One of the things I respect about SO is that he never slags their mum. We don't talk much about that past but for whatever happened I believe that he learnt a lot from it. There are things that he does, things he is so perceptive about that only come when you've been there, not made it and are really ready to put in everything to make sure it works. I can't judge him totally on his past, he can't turn back the clock. I can only judge the present, the man he is, the man he wants to be. I'm not sure I could have done it for anyone else but he comes with 2 boys and loving him is accepting that fact.

Its not always going to be as easy as 1,2,3. If we have a child, he/she would be last instead of first. One of the boys has already requested it be a boy (no pressure..lol!) because 'girls are trouble'..lol! I try to look into the future. There will be graduation ceremonies, weddings and other special occasions where I will be the 'wife' but that is who I will be, their dad's wife. I pray to always have a good relationship with them but so far I've been amazed by how simple it was for them to open their arms and accept me as a part of their lives. I keep hoping SO isn't bribing them or something.

One day SO said he was thinking and wondering if I would still find him attractive when he was all 'wrinkly and old' and I pray for our love to be something that stands through changing scenes and seasons. Dating someone older does have its pros and cons. On the advantage side, he knows what he wants. No beating around the bush, no playing games. This is for keeps, unconditionally, forever and beyond. Not Tracy on Tuesday, Wendy on Wednesday, Thelma on Thursday. On the downside, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. Usually 'our' way becomes the 'right' way and darling can be like that sometimes. There is this tone of voice he has, I call it 'The Boss' but we're working through it one situation at a time.

We are happy together, conventional or unconventional as it may be. Even with the age difference, our similarities are outstanding almost like we are the same person sometimes. Anyway enough babbling. Some people have external baggage, some internal. Sometimes I think my internal baggage matches his and more but I'm blessed to have him. I love him very, very much.

Going back to go forward...II

I have quite a number of metaphors for love.  Love is like a garden, a tree, a force...but it is also like a seed. One day its this little thing that has been thrown in your heart, you hardly recognise that it is there but under the right conditions it germinates and then you have this beautiful plant that is neither you nor the other person but still you and the other person.

About 4 years into our friendship I just realised that something had changed. All of a sudden we were making plans to meet up more frequently, talking about different things, going from surface to deep conversations. I used to joke with him that it was time for him to get married and he would say the same to me. One day we met up for a drink/movie and he confided in me that he had met 'someone' but there were some obstacles and he was really worried about messing a good friendship up. I was surprised that my first feeling was one of disappointment. I was happy but disappointed. I told him that he would never know if he didn't try and what might seem like obstacles may be things that could be worked out. Sometime during the show, he reached out and held my hand. It wasn't a big deal and suddenly I realised that the friend was me. I should have been happy and a part of me was but then I panicked. I'll write a whole post about my pet peeves soon, fear and anxiety topping that list. The 'What ifs' of this world just came rumbling through my mind and I just tensed. Strange enough as we kissed each other goodbye that day I knew something had changed in our relationship.

Looking back now, sometimes we wonder what would have happened if we had just taken the plunge then. SO thinks we would have made it, as for me I'm not so sure. I'm surely a different woman than I was then in a lot of ways. There are some things I may not have been able to handle then that I feel more qualified to handle now. Like I said, something changed that day and we both decided (without a discussion..lol) to look for love somewhere else. We didn't talk as much any more and went on to different relationships. This is beginning to read like something from Danielle Steele but sometimes I guess truth is stranger than fiction. As I progress in my writing I will try and fill in some gaps but I don't know if this will always be anonymous and therefore there are some things I would rather not share yet.

We didn't know each other's significant others and I just felt that we both should have some space to focus on working on our relationships. I didn't speak to him for over a year. He did try to call and I would send the occasional text but one day I realised that he wasn't one of those people I could 'just be friends' with and it was better I took a break, a complete break. Until one day I got a text asking whether he'd done anything to offend me and that we should meet up soon to catch up.

So we somehow got talking. The previous year had actually been quite difficult for us both. Strangely enough we were both single again. And we kept talking and today we're still talking. I found out that I really was the friend from a few years ago. He just thought his baggage would be too much for me. I thought then that it would be too much for me too. But like I said I think right now I'm more equipped to handle things. I'll talk about it more in my next post.

Writing feels good.

Writing out loud..

Will continue my story in a bit. I was actually thinking of deleting this blog and starting over. So many thoughts come into my head these days and I can't believe that its actually easier to write on the blog than anywhere else now. Maybe I should continue with my story now and find some therapy in that. Hmm, going back to go forward.