The distance between my thoughts and reality...

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

Phillipians 4:8

I must have read this Scripture countless times and heard several messages on it but the reality of its truth didn't really sink in until a few weeks ago. I must have been upset at something SO did but this thought came into my mind 'How could he love me and do this?' which was why I wrote the post on 'Making room for disappointment.' That thought made me ponder on how many similar statements passed through my mind from time to time, not only with SO but in my other relationships and areas as well. 'I think X did this because of Y and my response will be Z.' However if  my thought 'Y' is wrong, my response 'Z' is more likely to be wrong.

When I find myself out of sorts about something, I tell myself 'transform your life from sadness to joy by renewing your mind.' I COMMUNICATE instead of ASSUME and bridge the distance between my thoughts and reality. The most important thing is that what I am thinking about must be true. How many times have I made a judgement on someone or something (without necessarily vocalising it) based on information that is simply not true?

When this is brought into relationships, it can gradually erode the intimacy. So many thoughts come into my mind at any given time. I'm learning to use a filter.

Love. Learn.

Update...

Its been a long while. I can't really say that I've been that busy but well I'm back here and that's all that matters. Its been an interesting month. What I'm learning is how not to live my life on such an emotional rollercoaster. There are so many things in life that I have absolutely no control over, however I am just realising how much of 'me' that I do have control over. It reminds me of what I read in one of my favourite books 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen Covey. I have the ability to choose my response to whatever happens to me.

Does that mean I won't cry or get angry or feel down when things happen? No. However, I want to learn to maintain a winning attitude. Yes, things aren't exactly how I want, hope or desire that they should be but I can smile in the rain, it may be snowing outside but there can be sunshine in my heart.

I am learning to pray more, hope more and expect more. I want to love, live and learn all the way.

On the health side, I must be honest that I haven't been working out with the same intensity I had in the beginning. I guess I was a bit disappointed when the scales weren't going in the right direction. However, a healthy lifestyle must be holistic. It is just as important what I put into my body as it is working out. I'm no longer using the scales as my sole indicator but how my clothes fit and my energy levels.

Looking forward to the holidays. Time to unwind, spend time with people I love and just enjoy the spirit of the season.

Learn.

#Sharing: The way marriage should be..

'The way marriage should be; the security of knowing you have someone to love, to trust, to encourage, to laugh with, grow with and enjoy life with and that he or she is yours and yours alone makes marriage so incredible! Marriage is not designed to place restrictions on you; marriage is for the purpose of completing you, thus enabling each member of the team to be more than you could be as individuals. Marriage is designed to enable you grow to your maximum because of ther support, love and encouragement of your mate.' 

Zig Ziglar

#GirlTalk: Work out

Inspired by various bloggers and friends, I have embarked on a new challenge in my weight loss journey. I've decided not to go on a diet though I will write about 2 very popular diets in later posts. I have nothing against diets just that I can't do them....lol! So it's old school all the way but not eating less but eating better. I want to learn to eat what my body needs and not what my tastebuds want all the time.

The biggest and most difficult change for me however is burning the calories. I've done the 'buy a gym membership, attend 3 times and never return' routine a number of times so this time I'm working out at home. I'll see how it works out the first few weeks. My exercise regimen is mainly cardiovascular with some strength training and abs work. I hope to lose a few kilos but I want to strengthen and shape my body. Not look like a bodybuilder but tone up.

I get bored easily so I've pretty much stacked up on some work out DVDs. My staple is Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred although so far I've only been able to complete Level 1...lol! However I realise that the more I change up my workout the more effective it seems to be. So, no big expectations and no big plans but just to workout on the days I set to work out. 

I pray that I can stay on my journey and I will share how it is going here honestly. I don't expect it to be easy but I am determined by the grace of God to stay on it. I will be measuring my progress on the scales and with a tape measure. I need to get someone to measure me but today I weigh 80 kg putting my BMI at 27.5 and me in the overweight category! To get into the normal weight I need to lose at least 8 kg. Its a lot but I refuse to be discouraged.

I'll share my workout regimen in forthcoming posts. Also what I'm eating now. But I'm excited about this new journey. A great way to start the month.

Live. Learn

The Best me..

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Irrespective of the journey, taking that first step always requires courage and strength of character. I believe we are constantly changing but it is always worthwhile to examine and chronicle those changes. There is something about crisis that forces one to think about oneself and what's really important. I think 2011 has been that sort of year for me.

I am realising how important it is for me to be the best me that I can be. The me that God created and intended for me to be. Maybe growing older gives one a different perspective of things and while I know that no one is perfect I have just grown tired of accepting some things as being 'me.' My pet peeves are worry and anxiety and I have literally worried myself sick over minor and major things but no more. I want to experience peace that is independent of what the situation in my life is at present. I am tired of being ruled by my emotions. I am tired of giving up on people in relationships because they hurt me. I am tired of staying in relationships that have existed past their due date. I am tired of making the same mistakes over and over again.

Recently I decided to refuse to accept my overweight status. It's not just about PCOS and wanting to look like the girls in COSMO. I am not a skinny girl but I am not supposed to be an overweight girl either. Sometimes one can accept something as being 'normal' because that is the way it has always been. I've always been quick to give a cutting response, big, have permed hair, shy...(fill in the blanks). That its always been that way doesn't mean it always has to be that way. Its not about not accepting who I am, I also realised that I don't want to be so caught up wanting to be better that I fail to appreciate the good that is me. Something about loving and being in love has made me realise that not to be the best me is to shortchange  the people that love me and have to live with me of the best experience that they could have.

I'm trying to encourage everyone around me to embark on a healthier lifestyle too. Right now my focus in on reaching a healthier weight and increasing my fitness level. I participated in a 5K race last month and well let's say it was a big wake up call for me. Love is motivating me to change. I can't do anything about the condition I have, my genetics and my general predisposition but nothing has to control my life. I'm being the best me and living my best life right now.

Live.

Making room for disappointment..

I came across an interesting statistic this week in this article on the Marriage Gems blog. That 76% of men would remarry their wives, yet only 50% of women would remarry their husbands. This indicates that men are generally happier in their relationships than women are. Hmm...I found this interesting because I always thought it would be the other way around.

Another statistic that was mentioned was that 80% of divorces were filed by women. Now I'm not sure if this is in the States where the writer lives and if these statistics cross borders but it got me thinking. Maybe women are just tired especially now when some have to bring in a second income and still be the primary caregiver. But I wonder, maybe just wonder if sometimes we don't make room for disappointment. SO sent me a message a few days ago 'I am not perfect but I will always try my best and love you unconditionally.' I realised recently that even though I mentally acknowledge he is not perfect, I had never made room for disappointment.

When someone loves you they will not deliberately (at least I think so) do something to hurt you. But because they are not perfect (just like us) they will hurt us (just like we would hurt them). Hmm..there must be room for disappointment. Freeing him from the expectation to be perfect. It isn't easy, when you are hurt, you are hurt and it doesn't matter whether it was a deliberate act or not. But I am one of those people who have difficulty letting go of things and I realise that if I don't nip this habit in the bud I can easily make big things out of little things.

I guess its the difference between falling in love and learning to love everyday. I must love the whole person...not just the bits I like. I wrote something in my journal which I called the final word. 

The final word, after all is said and done, after arguments and disagreements, after speech and silence is that I know that he loves me and I know that I love him. I don't want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. Home will always be him.

Love.

Not forgetting but forgiving..

I watched 'Indecent Proposal' with SO this weekend. I like watching old movies, I guess like most things 'they just don't make things the same anymore.' Anyway Woody Harrelson's character said 2 things that were significantly poignant. The first was that 'the mistake that we made was thinking we are invincible.' No couple is invincible, you can be strong but definitely not invincible. Living with that knowledge makes me understand that I must be careful..I shouldn't take anything for granted because no one goes into a relationship hoping it fails. SO says 'never gamble with what you can't afford to lose.'

I've been thinking about the other thing he said which is the title of this post. 'We thought we could forget while what we really needed to do was to forgive.'  Forgiveness is both an event and a process. The event is the conscious decision one makes to forgive and the process is daily living with that decision. However, sometimes the focus is on forgetting what has happened which undermines the process because I cannot consciously make myself forget something. The Bible says 'Forgive' but not forget. 

So maybe I should forget about forgetting some things and just forgive every single time I remember.

There are lessons everywhere if we are listening..

Learn.

New beginnings..

I asked myself recently how many new beginnings does one really get in life? I know I've had quite a few. I heard a familiar voice whisper 'As many as you need to get to where you need to be.' That made me smile. Because I've come to believe that we are consistently having new beginnings on our journey. One of the things I love saying to myself about God is that 'He is making all things new.'

I've been inspired recently to embark on a journey of health and wholeness. It started as a desire to lose some weight but as I began to do some research I decided to broaden my horizons a bit. As always I will be sharing what I'm learning.

I've always struggled with my weight. I was a big baby and I have never really been what one would call skinny or even slim. When I look at some pictures of me from a decade ago I'm surprised to think I called myself fat then..lol! After the PCOS diagnosis, I realised that I would have to be serious about my weight, eating habits etc. But I kept that information somewhere at the back of mind. When I felt a little guilty, I would   starve diet and so began my yoyo lifestyle. I won't say I'm a diet junkie, don't have the discipline not to eat at all but I've done quite a number of things.

I'm just tired of the cycle so this time it's about tried and tested principles not diets. The basic principle being that weight gain occurs when more calories are taken in than used up. No matter what the underlying issues are..as is the case with someone with PCOS and a bit of insulin resistance this remains the same. So weight loss and a healthier lifestyle are hinged on two important factors; diet and exercise and that's where my focus is going to be. I have a one year plan which I'm breaking down into manageable goals that I will share later. But this season of my life is taking care of this asset that is me. People love me, I need to do my best to ensure that I am around for them as much as I can.

Live. Learn

Day 30: Love Everyday..

Finally at the end of this journey. I started this in August. I was not really in a good place and my intention was to blog every day for 30 days to get my writing mojo back and clear my thoughts. I shared different things..hopefully serious and not so serious, thoughtful and funny. However it took me about  two months to complete it but I am getting back into my rhythm of writing regularly and I hope my next challenge will find me more consistent.

I've developed an interest in relationships, different kinds of relationships. What makes them great, what keeps them strong. I'm also interested in romantic relationships. Marriage is a beautiful thing..how do we get married and how do we stay married. How do we keep our love alive through the different scenes and seasons of life? Well this will be the ground where I dump my stories, personal and those that have been shared with me. Maybe someone will learn from my 'getting it wrong' stories and what I've read and trying to apply to my life.

Today I am just encouraging myself to love everyday. Every single day. Whatever it means and whatever it requires. I've learnt that love comes both with high and lows, love comes with laughter and tears. Love always calls for a higher level of living. Willing to live contrary to self and exalt 'us' over our individual persons.

Love. Live .Learn

Day 29: Keeping a cool head.

I read something this morning about 'opening windows when arguments are flying.' Conflict is inevitable but it can be managed. Today is about assuming the responsibility of giving silence when the other person is 'dishing it out.' Like a fire, arguments can escalate from a struck match to a raging inferno but for a fire to 'grow' it requires a fuel. Sometimes silence is taking the fuel out of the fire. It no longer becomes an argument but the other person expressing themselves..they aren't right to shout at you but shouting back doesn't achieve anything either.

Relationships are relationships, the principles that apply between partners also apply at work and in other family relationships. I am guilty of giving silence but in a more manipulative 'I am not speaking to you until you beg' sort of mood. This silence is having the emotional strength required to allow another person vent their frustrations (they may be wrong) to prevent the fire from raging. I'm not saying stand still for someone to be violent. I realised that for me most arguments start when I begin to raise my voice to match the other person, it only takes a few seconds for both of us to be screaming. However if I can try and maintain an even tone then the other person's voice usually starts lowering because they kind of look crazy if they don't..lol!

Easy advice to give, very practical. Difficult to live but I am learning that there is a difference between difficult and impossible. I make mistakes everyday but like a child learning to walk, I don't give up because I lost my temper today. I pray and ask God for forgiveness and to rely on His strength to ensure that tomorrow I don't.

I'm a firm believer that we can change things about our lives when we utilise the 'inside-out' approach. I feel like I am on a journey to becoming a better person. I don't know what the destination is and the journey is not always easy but I'm committed to being on it.

Learn.

Day 28: Preserve the friendship..

During a conversation at the weekend, SO brought up the fact that it is possible for 2 people to be partners but not friends and that friendship was an essential element in a spousal relationship. He mentioned friends who preferred doing things on their own without their partners. This is not to say that both become Siamese twins, its unhealthy (I'm discovering) not to have interests outside those he has and vice versa. Some days I just want to be on my own. However, on balance I would rather have him around than not. When something happens or someone forwards a joke, I want to share it with him. I like us to go out and watch movies together, read books together and be a big part of each others lives. For me, that is the only way to do it.

I am learning to take care of what the Bible calls 'the little foxes that spoil the vines.' I think it takes a deliberate effort to keep a relationship going strong. Anything left to itself eventually decays. We still have a long way to go. I hope I can be true to my writings, not perfect but true. It would be nice to read this in a few years and say 'Thank God I learnt that sooner rather than later.'

Love. Learn.

Day 27: Friend or Foe..

What would life be without friendship? I've been musing about my key relationships these days. I'm someone who has a lot of acquanitances but few people who I consider true friends. I've always been of the opinion that being a friend is an incredibly awesome responsibility that should not be taken lightly. Integrity is very important in any relationship and being open and honest. But what happens when you have something your friend isn't interested in hearing?

Should we still say? Or is preserving friendship the most important thing?Aren't we cheating our friends when we do not share our feelings. Are we foes for sharing the bitter truth? I am learning to ask myself questions before making to decision to say or keep quiet. 1. What is my motive; is my heart really in the right place? 2. What is the best way to communicate this feeling to my friend; is there a way I can package the message so it would be easy to receive?

I was once in a situation where I had serious concerns about a friend's relationship. I thought everything was rushed and she should be careful. But I kept quiet because I didn't want her to be upset with me. I didn't want her to feel that I didn't want her to be happy and so I said nothing. I regret that now, she ended up being married for what amounted to a few weeks. Maybe my words wouldn't have made a difference but I could have at least satisfied my heart that I had done what I knew to be right.

Friendship, such a simple word but sometimes the going so difficult.

Hmm...

Live. Learn.

Day 26: Keeping at it!

I don't always have 'that loving feeling' and some days the most loving thing I feel I do is doing the dishes or the laundry. But even when I don't feel like I want love to be a habit. Doing whether I feel like or not.

Love.

Day 25: Being a Lover

This is a #sharing one..

Presence is more than just being there - Malcolm Forbes

'What does it mean to be a lover? It is more than just being married to or making love to someone. Millions of people are married, millions of people have sex-but few are real lovers. To be a real lover, you must commit to and participate in a perpetual dance of intimacy with your partner.

You are a lover when you appreciate the gift that your partner is and celebrate that gift everyday. You are a lover when you remember that your partner does not belong to you-he or she is on loan from the universe. You are a lover when you realize that nothing that happens between you will be insignificant, that everything you say in the relationship has the potential to cause your beloved love or sorrow, and everything you do will either strengthen your connection or weaken it. 

You are a lover when you understand all this, and thus wake up each morning filled with gratitude that you have another day in which to love and enjoy your partner. When you have a lover in your life, you are richly blessed. You have chosen the gift of another person who has chosen to walk beside you. He or she will share your days and your nights, your bed and your burdens. Your lover will see secret parts of you that no one else sees. He or she will touch places on your body that no one else touches. Your lover will seek out where you have been hiding and create a haven for you within safe, loving arms.

Your lover offers you an abundance of miracles every day. He has the power to delight you with his smile, his voice, the scent of his neck, the way he moves. She has the power to banish your loneliness. He has the power to turn the ordinary into the sublime. She is your doorway to heaven here on earth.'

Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D

Love.

Day 24: Changes

Something I read a few days ago has been on my mind all week. The difference between what we know and what we do. Deep within, I know that there are certain steps I need to take to get me to where I need to be. For example, I always seem to be thinking, talking, journalling about my weight. I know the changes I need to make to my diet. I know I need to be more active but I haven't really been doing anything about it. Just accumulating a lot of knowledge.

Change, constant and yet so difficult. I am inspired these days when I see and read of people overcoming all sorts of odds to achieve what was thought to be impossible for them. Therefore my next 30 days challenge is going to be more on a healthy lifestyle. If you can do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit. I'll be away for a few days as its my birthday this weekend. But I have this expectant feeling on the inside that wonderful things are in store for me.

Learn.

Day 23: Question

Still hanging in there. Today I have a question and I would really appreciate if someone would respond to this one, pretty please? The question is 'Would you ever go through your partner's email, Facebook account, phone, USB without their permission?

I know a lot of couples have a 100% disclosure policy to their relationship. I and SO don't. Let me clarify, we talk about everything that pertains to our 'us.' The rule is 'do to the other person what you would like them to do to you.' Anything that concerns the other person must be shared. However, SO's occupation means that he handles a lot of sensitive, confidential information and in some cases he has to sign confidentiality agreements. Privately, he does do quite a bit of counselling and well he likes to protect the identity of his counselees (is there such a word) and while he may discuss the case with me he doesn't tell me who they are (at least most of the time...lol!).

On the other hand, there are partners who cheat and hide behind 'I need my boundaries'. Recently a friend of mind confirmed (she already had her suspicions) her husband's affair after going through the texts on his phone. I know her method was illegitimate and the end doesn't always justify the means. But what's right or wrong.

Food for thought. Please let me know.

Love. Learn.

Day 22: Lol! Men and Women

I'm not liking this inconsistency for the last few days. Its been a good month. Haven't hit it 'all' but I can see good changes. Changing the way I see things and I am sure that this will be accompanied by a change in behaviour as well. I came across this list and it made me laugh so I'm sharing it here. Highlights once again the classic difference between men and women. After laughing however, I am determined not the be this woman. Instead of saying 'fine', I'm learning to say 'I feel hurt because..' hopefully the silent treatment days are behind me. I'll be honest, I'm not totally giving that one up because sometimes I feel SO hears me more when I'm quiet ha, ha. Anyway to any ladies who may read this, I suggest you share this with your partner/spouse. Communication aids understanding. At least then he knows what to watch out for. SO says he's compiling a dictionary to enable men understand women..lol!

Nine words women use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine!

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome”. (I want to add in a clause here – this is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” it will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying Get Lost!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response please refer to # 3.


Live.

Day 21: Heaven sent...to work here on earth

I really like this song. The line that gets me is 'I want to be the one who you believe in your heart is sent from heaven.' The last time I listened to this song, after my hmming and smiling I realised that irrespective of whether I or SO was or is sent from heaven the work to keep the love alive must be done here on earth. Hope you enjoy it and thank God for who is Heaven sent to you.

For some reason I can't embed the video : (

Love.

Day 20: Friendship

Yesterday I was reminded of the power of friendship. I like to think that I'm a loner that the highest form of living is independence. This is untrue. Interdependence is, where I am independent enough, secure enough to know that acknowledging I need someone else is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.

I'm grateful for the love of my friends. For the times we have shared, the good and the bad. Those who have stuck with me through different scenes and seasons. Even in romantic relationships, I think it is the friendship that keeps two people together more than anything else.

As the days go by, I've seen so many examples of how I haven't been a good friend and I really want to try and correct that. We need each other, we were not designed to walk this road of life alone.

Love. Learn.

Day 19: Getting a Life..

I would file this post under 'Getting It Wrong.' This blog is about sharing what I'm learning, inevitably that means sharing mistakes I've made and correcting them. I read a book a few years ago when I was single called 'The 10 Commandments of Dating' and the very first commandment was 'Thou shalt get a life.' This was just to encourage single people to live whilst waiting for Mr or Miss Right. There is a difference between being alive and living. I have spent periods of my life just going from day to day, literally counting down time to know the difference.

I've been guilty of not having a life. Of trying to get everything I need from our relationship. No relationship, no matter how healthy is designed to take this type of pressure. I realised recently that some dissatisfaction and disappointment I had been experiencing lately which I wanted to blame on my poor SO had absolutlely nothing to do with him. Emotionally healthy people make an emotionally healthy relationship. Women in particular tend to be guilty of this. I don't know how many older women have told me to always remember the 'me in us.' Not that I shouldn't love him or even put his needs over mine. Love is about sacrifice but that I should never forget the me in us. I should remember to have my time, my goals, my dreams and my destiny.

I'm blessed because so far SO has been very supportive and even though right now I'm at a cross roads so to speak I believe I have a one-man fan club encouraging me in the right direction. If I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing I'll be happy and fulfilled. That can only be good for us both. So I'm celebrating getting a life. Whatever path the road takes, I pray never to lose sight of who I am. I'm getting a life.

Learn. Live.

Day 18: Solitude

Not too many words today. Its about finding rest for my soul. Still learning to practice the art of silence and meditation. Sometimes its good to shut everything and everyone out, connect with our Maker, recharge and restore.

Love.Live.Learn.

Day 18: On Love and other things..

'I don't think there is any substitute for love. Nothing else compares or compensates for it. Being liked is often not enough, love is it. So intangible, often indescribable  yet so uniquely important. Love comes with endurance, the strength that makes you stay in the race even when you're tired and want to give up. It makes you commit to live with a person who isn't perfect and learn to adapt to them bringing both their strengths and weaknesses into your life.  Love is respect, respecting your person and opinions, respecting that you matter. Have I told you lately that I love you? You fill my heart with gladness and take away my sadness. Love you always.'


First, I just want to say thanks to all who commented on my last post. It's encouraging when people leave comments : ) The above is what I call a 'word-collage' from different messages I received from SO in the last few days. Well the last sentence is a line from his favourite song. People ask me if love is the only thing required to keep a relationship strong and last the test of time. I used to say 'Yes' but now I say 'Yes and No'. I think it depends on what we define love as. Romantic love is definitely not enough but love and the other things it comes with should be. Things like respect, endurance, commitment, fidelity, integrity. I still have a very long way to go on this journey but learning from people who have been successful these traits and characteristics seem to be a common thread. Whatever people want to call it whether love or other things the important thing is for me to have it in my life so that I can use it in my relationship. If I don't have integrity, I won't bring integrity into my relationship.

Well its the weekend and I'm having a very quiet one but I just want to say that we should tell someone we love them. It doesn't matter who as long as its genuine. Have a wonderful one.

Love.

Day 17: Letting It Go

I don't know how to let things go. Physically, emotionally otherwise. Every time I do a clean up, I see some things I have been hanging onto for years. I try and justify my reasons for hanging on to the things.'you never know when you might need this' etc..lol! And some of them are so insignificant, notes from people I no longer speak to, a to do list for a day that was 3 years ago..LOL! I was laughing to myself until I began to think about my heart. About some issues and some people where I hadn't let things go. The real word is forgiveness but sometimes that sounds too heavy to deal with.

Of course I smile and I am polite with them, I say 'Don't worry, its ok' but I have been lying to people and lying to myself. The thing is that my heart just like my room was only designed to handle so much at a time. Space is limited and after a while its all just clutter and there's no room to move...no room to love. These days I keep repeating to myself 'do you want to be right or be reconciled?' and I need room so I am learning to let things go.

Its easy to write 'letting it go' but I have been breathing really deeply. To forgive is to release. There is this temporary feeling of joy I have when I say 'I'm letting this issue go' but after a while my emotions begin to change and the anger resurfaces. I used to let this make me feel bad and keep trying to 'feel the forgiveness.' I just realised that expecting those feelings and emotions put me in a better place to deal with them. Like love, forgiveness is a decision I must make every single time when feelings go out of sync. So on this journey, its little letting go of the 'junk' both physically and emotionally.

There's just too much love to give and receive in this world for me to be crowding my life with some things anymore. Thank God for clarity.

Love. Live.

Day 16: Communication

I feel good when I know to do good and I do it. When there is a difference between what I feel and what I know to be true and I choose to go against my emotions and stick with the facts. So I give myself a big pat on the back today. I shared a lot of things with SO yesterday..early on in our relationship I knew I would have to work big time on my communication skills because I am a keeper and not a good sharer. When I said what I had to say..I felt so naked..lol! I think the Bible verse where it says 'and they were naked and not ashamed' wasn't just about the physical. In nakedness, everything is exposed the good, the bad and the ugly but that's the beauty of love isn't it, that someone can see all that and still choose to be with you.

When he turned round and told me 'Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I know that it must have been difficult but I'm really glad you did. Communication is very important and it has to come from both of us, it helps us understand each other.' That made me happy and made me wonder why I usually hold back. I guess I like to look perfect so I'm hesitant to share anything that makes me look flawed..lol! 

I guess 'communication' will be the most used word on this blog because it's one of those foundational things. And if the foundation isn't strong, nothing built on it will stand the test of time. I'm also learning that things I'm learning through my relationship with SO is making my other relationships stronger. I'm learning to communicate better with my friends and strengthening my relationships through taking the step to love my family and friends unconditionally.

You should be able to talk about anything with your partner. Anything and everything...the mundane and the vital. If it can keep me awake at night, I should be able to talk about it. Hmm..

Learn.

Day 15: Halfway there..

So today I thought I'd have some fun. I'm in bed feeling fluish, aches, fever the works and trying to put myself in a good mood.  I got this from a blog I used to read before I even started blogging. It's more a getting to know 'G' sort of blog. Anyway, I'm celebrating the halfway point on my journey. I feel so much better than where I was when I started, externally I must say that not much has changed but I'm beginning to feel the wheels turning on the inside. I'm happy.


A One Woman 60 Questions Interview


1. What time did you get up this morning? 0500...hate being sick.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Something very simple and elegant about pearls..understated chic
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I can't remember what we saw but it was over 6 months ago! Now that's long for me.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Right now, its 'The Borgias' but I'm a '24' widow
5. What did you have for breakfast? An orange and an apple, I have that chalky taste in my mouth
6. What is your middle name? Nothing. For some reason my parents thought that 1 name was sufficient..
7. What is your favorite cuisine/meal? Italian but for something special Thai.
8. What foods do you dislike? Cheese, though I eat pizza. SO finds this very weird. I also pick out the pepperoni.
9. Your favorite Potato chip? Wedges
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Women of Faith-Worship CD
11. What kind of car do you drive? Nothing at the moment.
12.Favorite sandwich? Tuna and sweetcorn
13. What characteristics do you despise? Rudeness
14. Favorite item of clothing? Dresses. So comfy and hide a multitude of 'sins'
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? The Bahamas
16. What color is your bathroom? Mainly brown
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Chanel...Classic white and black..hmm
18. Where would you want to retire? maybe.. The Bahamas
19. Favorite time of day? Early in the morning
20. What was the last thing you read and liked? 'The Memory of Love' by Aminatta Forna
21. Favorite sport(s) to watch? Football
22. Who do you least expect to respond to this? I don't know
23. Person you expect to respond first? Same as above
24. What laundry scent do you use? Lenor
25. Coke or Pepsi? Not a fizzy fan, prefer a Cranberry
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? I love the early hours, the quiet the peace
27. What size shoe do you wear? European 41
28. Do you have pets? No
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm happy..
30. What did you want to be when you were little? Pediatrician
31. Favorite Candy Bar? Toblerone
32. What is your best childhood memory? Travelling with my family
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Checkout staff, Administrative Assistant, Teacher
34. What color/type underwear are you? White/Boys shorts
35.Nicknames: Just shorter variations of my names
36. Piercings ? I'm very conservative so just my ears
37. Eye color? Brown
38. Ever been to Africa? Yes but haven't been anywhere outside West Africa. I would like to go to Kenya and South Africa
39. Ever been toilet papering or rolling? No
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? I used to giggle when I saw brides cry at their weddings but I think I understand why now.
41. Been in a car accident? No
42. Croutons or bacon bits? Neither
43.Favorite day of the week? Wednesday because its halfway point
44. Favorite restaurant? No favourites
45. Favorite flower? Tulips
46. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla
47. Favorite fast food restaurant? Burger King for a Whopper and fries from McDonalds..lol
48. What color is your bedroom carpet? Brown
49. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I don't want to lie..lol!
50. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? A friend
51. Which stores would you choose to max out your credit card? It would be somewhere that sold really pretty shoes
52. What do you do most often when you are bored? Read
53. Bedtime? Depends on what's happening
54. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? No one
55. Last person you went to dinner with? SO
56. What are you listening to right now? Shuffling songs on the iPod
57. What is your favorite color? Brown
58. Lake, Ocean or river? Ocean speaks to me of vastness, that I shouldn't be small minded, the earth is filled with endless possibilities
59. How many tattoos do you have? None
60. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I'll go with the egg. Things usually start small, trees come from seeds, babies from a fertilised egg that's so tiny.


That was fun! 


Love.Live

Day 14: Stamps

I'm still here and still hanging on. Had a busy weekend and another test where I had the option to take the higher mature path or an immature one. To make myself happy, I think I'm somewhere in the middle..lol! The word stamps just came into my head as I logged in. Its about sticking with something until one gets to the desired destination. I'm almost halfway there, it took me some time to get there but I'm celebrating today. Day 14. I will make it to 30, no matter how long it takes me.

Live.

Day 13: Behind Closed Doors

Two days ago a friend of mine sent me a message informing me about Will Smith and Jada's decision to separate. This news hasn't been confirmed and I'm still praying its a rumour. Will and Jada are my favourite Hollywood couple..doesn't mean I agree with everything they say or do but I respect a lot of their thoughts and views on relationship. After 13 years together in Hollywood, I think one can even use the title 'relationship expert'..lol! However this news (Lord, let it be a lie) just made me think about marriage and how so many things happen behind closed doors. It got me thinking of another post I had read about accepting your partner for who s/he is and comparisons.

I learnt a lot from the relationship I was in prior to being with SO. There were many issues but I can be woman enough to say that on my end I missed out on the person who was because I was trying desperately to mold him into what I thought he should be. I tried not to bring that attitude with SO. While it is good to learn from other couples, both their triumphs and their mistakes, there's so much that happens behind closed doors that one is not privy too. There is really no man I wish SO was more like, because I know that majority of the time he is doing his best. His best as a human being can not be perfect, neither can mine. So we learn to dance even in that misunderstood area that is called our 'weaknesses.'

Sometimes when I read this blog, especially my early posts I hope I am not portraying that what we have is perfect because it isn't. But we aren't building for perfection, we are building for strength and we are building for a lifetime. I would rather live in a bungalow with a solid foundation that can stand the storm than in mansion built on sand. So now I don't allow anyone to make me feel bad. Why doesn't he look at me the way X looks at Mrs X? There's a lot of PDA (public displays of affection) out there and most I pray are genuine. Know your partner for who they are and if you know deep in your heart they are giving you their all, appreciate them. It doesn't mean that if I feel I need something he isn't giving at a particular time I can't ask for it. It's just that my assessment of where our relationship is, is based on our 'us' behind our own closed doors and not what someone defines it for us as.

Love.

Day 12: Right or Reconciled

These days I read a lot of 'relationship' blogs, I'm intrigued on what other people's thoughts are regarding relationships and how their love stories are acted out. I must say I've learnt a lot, well I have assimilated a lot of information that I hope I will apply if and when the need arises. Relationships are very personal, what works for a couple may not necessarily work for me but I believe that there are some foundational principles that apply to all couples.

I was reading a blog where the writer asked her parents who were celebrating their 54th (yes 54th) wedding anniversary what they thought was necessary for love that lasts a lifetime. There was a list but out of that list the biggest point that stood out for me was 'decide if you'd rather be right or reconciled.' I shared the list with SO and he asked me why that particular point resonated with me the most. Writing my response below made me realise how much growing up I still have to do..lol! Sorry if the beginning doesn't make any sense.

I was looking at it from a different perspective. I don't like to be at the receiving end of ultimatum's so I try not to give them either.

I was thinking more along the lines of my thought processes when someone does something that hurts me and I keep them 'outside' because really that is what the silence is, creating a 'barrier' between me and them. It doesn't really matter if it was intentional or not.

'They' are wrong for what they did and my response is right and justified...Especially where no apology is forthcoming...lol! But being right can be lonely because barriers that keep others out also keep one in. So most times its more important to be reconciled than right.

Its funny how some things I think look when I actually write them down. Anyway we live and learn.

I have seen couples rejoice over battles they have won and then realise in stunned dismay that they have lost the war. Sometimes I'm right and he's wrong but at the end of the day I still want there to be an 'us' so reconciliation will always rank higher than being right. 


Love. Learn

N.B Giving myself a pat on the back for sticking out with my eating plan.

Day 11: Thankful

I just realised that for the most part of everything, my life, my relationship, my family things are going well. Yes I have dreams and goals I would like to see come into existence pronto but there is so much working for me at the moment. I am alive and well, my nearest and dearest are as well. In what is a turbulent economy, not only am I eating enough I am now having to say no to food for my health...lol! There is somewhere to sleep at night. Someone who is learning to love me...the whole me, with my weaknesses and faults. There are people who pray for me, who call me, who care about what happens to me.

I don't know why in life one's focus immediately shifts to what one doesn't have which is usually a fragment in comparison to what one does have. I wish I always thought this way but there is a new found joy in my heart..if I could describe it, it would be like a newly germinated plant. I know that there is potential for it to bloom into something great but I'm really grateful for it now. I can smile and mean it. Present days are tough but I'm looking at the future with so much hope. One day at a time...

Live. Love.

N.B Sticking to the plan but modified it a bit for some protein. Its been only a day but I celebrate that day.

Day 10: Lifestyle changes

This week I want to join my sister and her friend on a detox plan. For the next six days I am to exist on a diet that consists mainly of fruit and vegetables and I can only drink water. It's not so much about weight loss as it is about discipline and finishing something you've started. I'm a bit scared but as I have a support system I guess it shouldn't be too bad. Its good I'm trying to blog daily so I'll say whether I made it that day or not. Living without meat of any sort isn't going to be easy..lol!

I was actually thinking about this all through the week and after my conversation with my sister I feel like this is something I really need to do. I need to make some lifestyle changes, definitely not a diet. I am the heaviest I have ever been. Somehow within the past year I have managed to pick up at least 8kg. This isn't good at all. I am big boned but I know there is a lot of flesh with that. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) sometime in 2005. I don't think about it a lot but I must confess I have been thinking and reading more about it in recent days. Its essentially a hormonal imbalance which leads to issues with ovulation and how my body reacts to insulin. It affects fertility and its strange because almost every documentary or story I have heard about infertility in the last few months are linked in some way to PCOS. Its not all dire news, I believe in the power of God to heal the body but I believe I must be a wise woman as well and incorporate lifestyle changes for my very best life now.

Losing weight is the biggest 'cure' for PCOS, it is definitely harder for someone with PCOS to lose weight but it can be done and it does usually lead to a reversal of most of the symptoms. Also, there's medication. A friend of mine with the same issue has 3 beautiful daughters today. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm giving myself a birthday present of being 5kg lighter. But no diets, I need something I can do for the rest of my life. No more ups and downs. I'll talk about PCOS more in coming weeks, maybe it'll help someone out there. I don't even talk about it with my family but this process is teaching me that its time to break the silence on a lot of things.

Learn.

Day 9: Forgiveness

If I had to be honest and say one of the things I would love to change about myself it's that I am not great when it comes to forgiveness. On the outside I smile and say that things are ok but I nurse my hurt and wrap myself in it as if it were the most beautiful, cashmere sweater. Just writing that makes me realise how silly such thinking is...how silly I have been.

I read an article this week on Forgiveness. The writer calls it 'The Antidote to the poison in your Marriage', you can replace the word marriage with 'Life.' Working from the inside out, learning to let it all go and live my very best life.

A very wise woman once said 'Marriage is about 2 forgivers living together.'

An excerpt from the post.

'It may require getting some help, but clear the air and learn how to forgive and move on. We can lead ourselves through positive actions rather than allowing our fears, frustrations, anger and resentment to lead us. Take a deep breath. Show affection. Forgive. You'll find yourself improving your own health as well as the health of your relationship.'

Please read the rest of the post..

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2011/08/17/the-antidote-to-the-poison-in-your-marriage/

Day 8: Its ok to cry..

'The nights of crying your eyes out will give way to days of laughter.'


Psalm 30:5 The Message

I wouldn't say I'm someone who cries easily. I wasn't always like that. As a child I was a big cry baby and was an easy target for bullies. I would never respond but would put my head down on my desk and cry. Growing up, I began to see tears as a sign of weakness. 'Big girls don't cry' and all that crap...lol! However, yesterday when I got another rejection letter in my inbox, the tears just began to fall from my eyes. This year I have cried quite a bit, I think a bit more than I have in the last 5 years put together.

'It's ok to cry. As you let the tears out, you let out that overwhelming feeling, you express the pain and the hurt. But don't just stay there, let your mind go to the joy that will come in the morning. The nights of crying your eyes out will give way to days of laughter.'


I remember the first day SO saw me cry, something to do with dinner. Its funny when I look back on how I allowed little things to become such big things. But I felt so silly crying in front of this man. I realised that day that I would really have to unlearn a lot of old habits and begin to see vulnerability as a strength and not a weakness. That I was committing to a lifetime of sharing jokes and laughter but also sharing tears and disappointment. Its about sharing everything. He always wipes away my tears and gives me a big kiss and tells me that everything is going to be ok. He makes me mad sometimes, sometimes my tears have been about something he's done or well if I'm really being honest its really my perception of what he's done. However, everything said and done, I couldn't ask God to bless me with a better best friend. 


So its ok to cry. Let the tears out. Cry with a friend. And when there are no more tears, pray and look ahead to the days of laughter. I know they will surely come.


Love. Learn

Day 7: Inside Out..Outside In

So often I'm trying to change my behaviour. Change what I'm doing, what I'm saying, what I'm eating, what I'm behaving (I know the last one sounds funny). I realise that any lasting change is going to come from the inside. To do better, I have to be better.

I'm not entirely sure how that happens. I know that my actions will eventually follow any belief that I hold to be true. Its like the difference between saying you love someone ten times a day and truly loving them. Its not that saying it is a problem but true love understands silence, can communicate without words and actions, come naturally. There was a day SO was driving and he had to slam the brakes abruptly, he immediately reached out his hand to cover me...it was like a reflex reaction, perfectly natural, not thought out at all. Not like that would save me but his 'basic instinct' was to protect. Such things are not taught.

So today is reflecting on the why's behind the what's. The thinking and mindset that fuels the behaviour. If that thinking and mindset can be changed, the actions become reflex.

Hmming all the way.

Learn.

Day 6: Lol!

...because a day without laughter is like a day wasted. (SO to G)


I love sharing jokes with SO. Jokes like this remind me to see the lighter side of things and that one doesn't have to be so serious all the time. Laughter is good medicine. The last few days have definitely been 'lighter.' I'm just seeing some things in a different light. Just put this here so maybe someone else could read it and lol with me. SO says one of the the things he loves the most about me is my ability to find a joke in almost everything. He calls me his 'something else'...it may be a strange endearment but its one of the ones I love the most. It just reminds me that no matter what happens, its 'us' committed to looking at the brighter side of things. So laugh with the people you love today. It definitely puts you in a better frame of mind.

Live.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!


THE REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”. 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this. 

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under  “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway. 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2. 

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. 

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system

Day 5: Remember..

I woke up this morning and as I try to settle down and be quiet (its real hard for someone like me..lol!) I thought about the word remember and some other words followed

Remember why you love him
Remember how he makes you feel
Remember why you love him
Remember what you know to be true
Remember why you love him
Remember why you made the decision you did and make on a daily basis
Remember the truth
Remember emotions change
Remember truth doesn't
Remember why you love him


Sometimes in the heat of things I forget a lot of things. I see a lot of little things and refuse to see the big picture. My emotions control my thoughts which control my actions. In the middle of what was a very busy day for SO, he called me as he prepared to go for a meeting. Such a small thing and such a big thing as well. It made me remember why I love him...for who he is and the very little, big things he does for me. We say we love but most of us (myself included) just respond to love. I'm learning to love inspite of and not always because of...

I'm still hmmming..

Love.

Day 4: #Sharing

Technically this isn't a post, technically this isn't Day 4 but well it's my blog...lol!

I came across this website at the weekend. I read so many posts in one sitting it wasn't even funny. Something I read stopped me from doing something silly and made me take the 'high road.' Just thought to share with you.

http://marriagelifeministries.org/

Love. Learn

Day 3: Shh

'Are you willing to give silence when your spouse needs a little quiet time?'


This was my lesson yesterday. To learn to be quiet, not the mad quiet....not the I'm going to show you quiet...lol! I'm really good at those two. No I mean the 'I know you love me but ever so often you need time to be on your own, you need a little quiet time, so even though I don't understand why, I am willing to give silence.'

Hmm, I am beginning to realise the difference between knowledge and wisdom. My head is full of so much information but it is beginning to seep to my heart where the greatest change needs to occur. I think women don't really understand men's quiet phases because we tend to keep quiet when we are upset. They really are different from us.

So I'm willing to give silence..this is different from a breakdown in communication. Wisdom is having the knowledge and correctly applying it where you need it. I seem to be in a permanent 'hmm' zone these days like seeing things in a totally different light.

Love deeply and genuinely. It may be difficult sometimes but it is indeed a higher calling.

Love. Live. Learn

Day 2: Building to last

I feel a bit bad that I didn't write yesterday. But like a dear commenter wrote..'Go at God's pace.' So I will with no pressure. Yesterday I was thinking about storms. Right now, I feel like I'm in the middle of the biggest one I have ever faced. Its like a wind has come and is blowing at everything. In a lot of ways I know that I have let the storm on the outside in and that is the reason why I've been on such on an emotional rollercoaster.

While I was thinking about storms I realised that I cannot build while the storm is raging. The storm only shows whether what I've been building before the storm was built to last. And sadly I see that I have to dig deep and deal with some things in my foundation, things I've been glossing over..sometimes something needs to be completely destroyed so you can face that what it needs is to be rebuilt and not given a new coat of paint.

Our 'us' is having a moment. Sometimes I'm not aware how much my own behaviour/disposition affects 'us' but right now I just feel like I need SO to be more understanding. And he isn't saying much. My friend L thinks I'm PMSing...lol! I hope so too. But its hard to be quiet and meditate, maybe that's why they are called spiritual disciplines. We have a good foundation and I know we will get through this and any other phase of life that comes. But this week, he feels so far away. Hmm..

We're building something to last. I'm building something to last. I'm not going to fight with the storm anymore. I'm going to look at the areas and see what needs strengthening. I'm going to stop reciting Scripture and actually start living it. Yesterday I let this scripture seep into my soul.

'Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.'

Love. Learn.

Day 1: Dreams

Hmm...so the journey begins..

I was reflecting/meditating early this morning and the word 'dreams' just came to me. Because I've always tried to maintain some type of 'quiet time' in the morning before setting out I've just realised that what I called a quiet time was actually a noisy time. While my mouth may not be saying words except whispered prayers, my mind was never really still. It was always doing some activity or the other. Today I decided to still my spirit and just listen/muse/meditate.

What are my dreams? If I could take a peek at the future what would I see? I smiled because for so long I have been focused on my present circumstances and I'd forgotten about dreaming of a future better than my present...definitely better than my past. So what are my dreams? When the next 5 years becomes today how do I want it to look like?

I smiled today because I saw myself a stronger woman, fulfilling destiny. I saw myself happily married to SO most likely with a mini 'us'. I see myself in a better role in my profession than I am now. I saw myself making a significant contribution in my family and my community. I know dreaming is only the first step, it takes work to make a dream a reality but I pray that the image of the future that I saw this morning stays with me everyday. I remembered what Paul said in Romans..

'That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times.'

I pray that I have the discipline and courage to stay on this journey to the end. 

Live. Learn

The 'Me' in Us..30 Day Challenge

One of the most important things I have learnt about being in a relationship is that it's so much more what I bring to 'us' than anything. Love is definitely a 2 way game of give and take but its important that I focus on what I'm giving, what I'm bringing, what I'm doing. Its not 50-50 but 100-100, giving your everything.

As the days go by I can see that I must work on myself...spiritually, emotionally, physically and even financially because 'me' affects 'us'. I feel like I've been in a sort of slump, it seems that because my relationship is one of the few things really working in my life it has somehow crept to being the focal point of my life. Not saying it isn't important but I always believing that one's relationship with God should be the centre from which all other things flow from. I don't like where I find myself these days..not with my career, some relationships or my my body.

I feel like I'm going through some midi mid-life crisis? I'm currently finishing my postgraduate degree and I need to make a career move. I know there's a gap in my life, like some service I could be providing or some contribution I could be making but I'm just at an all time low. So I'm tired of complaining, being unfulfilled and low will affects 'me' and 'me' affects 'us.' So I'm taking my 30 day challenge to a different place. I believe that God has blessed everyone with opportunities and no matter what excuses we could give for not living successful lives there's a responsibility that we have to seek the very best life that we can.

So I want to be a different G in the next 30 days. My birthday is next month and I just want to feel and be different and show myself that with God's help I can bring about change and it doesn't necessarily need to be a very big thing. So my challenge for the next 30 days is to

• Have at least an hour to pray, read the Bible and meditate. Need to make God the centre and connect back to my source
• Have no alcoholic drinks. Not that I drink a lot but I want to learn discipline, to say I'm going to do something and do it
• Write a post everyday chronicling the challenge or just sharing what I'm learning. They don't have to be long posts, they don't have to be perfect..just written

If anyone is reading this and you're simply not happy with where you are. Hmm...it isn't easy but you can make a decision to go somewhere else. It takes guts to live, I pray God gives me the courage to make the changes I need to. I need to keep upgrading.

Live.Learn

Connecting back to the source

I got a forwarded email this morning with a similar title. It was very encouraging and got me thinking. More importantly, it got me praying. I am in a place where I would really love to deepen the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. I've been through a phase where I was burnt out in so many areas of my life. Christianity became something I did not someone I was. I was tired of lessons that I had been taught that I didn't see the teachers living. I'm not here to criticise anyone...if anything the journey I've been on has shown me that we all have weaknesses and life is about living with each other's weaknesses and encouraging each person I meet to turn those into strengths.

Faith is such an important part of my life. Its a core from which everything else flows. I didn't want this to be a 'religious' blog so to speak but if I'm true to myself what is at my core will eventually show through. And how can I say that 'love is beautiful' and overcoming 'against all odds' without talking about God, whose love for me is the most beautiful thing I can think of. Who did overcome all odds to seek out a relationship with me.

I reconnected to my Source for a few minutes this morning. I rarely speak prayers these days I tend to write them. I thought about God and His enduring Presence in my life. How He has always been there. I must admit that a lot of times I keep Him in the background and bring Him out for 'events' but now I want to be in a place where my relationship with Him is as deep and true as it is with SO. Where my talks with Him are not limited to a rushed 'quiet time' in the morning. Quiet time is good. One on one time is always good for any relationship, talk less of One in which you cannot see the other Person physically. But I want to continue whispering all through the day. Smiling as I think of His words to me, meditating on how my life reflects or fails to reflect His character.

Yesterday I was tired and internally cranky. It was just the sort of day when a little thing would push me over the edge so I withdrew into 'silent mode.' This morning after reading that devotional I wrote my prayer, as I commit the worries to paper its like they are physically leaving me. Reconnecting back to my Source provides me with strength and encourages me to tackle today's challenges and trust that the same grace will be accorded me tomorrow. It teaches me that I can love even when it is difficult.

Daddy I thank You that You love me. I know I'm not the most charitable or even an easy person to love. However you made the decision and You promised to always be faithful to me and stick with me till the very end. As a plant cannot grow or even remain alive without a connection to its roots so also does my spirit and soul need that connection with You. I reconnect my thoughts to Your thoughts. I meditate on Your words. I let your actions lead the decisions that I make this day. Teach me to love for You are love. Give me the strength to sacrifice 'me' for 'us' everyday. But teach me to always put You first. Because I don't..not always. Enough light for where I'm standing. That's what I ask.

Thank you Father.

Love. Live.

The Power of Love

I love Il Divo. I don't understand half of what they're saying (I always check the translations later) but there's something about their music where I feel that I can put the words in myself and I perfectly understand what they're saying.

How strong is love? The Teacher said that 'many waters cannot quench love'. If we could only allow ourselves to get over ourselves and see it as more than an emotion but something we make a commitment to do everyday maybe we could all do better jobs at it.

Just wanted to share the lyrics of this song...

La Fuerza Mayor ( The Power of Love)

I will protect you from your fears
I am your prince charming
An angel from heaven
There is no more to fear

Today, like yesterday I will always have
Only your love is important
Here I am

The greatest power
is in love
It comes from inside
Our great aim is to share it out
You need to show it
With your heart

I promise I will take care of you
And will live only to love you
When you be sad, there I will be
With this immense love that
I feel for you and you will not cry anymore
You will be the only one

Only your love is the important, give it to me
Here I am




Love.

Giving You the Best I've Got

This is one of my favourite songs. There is a way in which it is almost a biography of our relationship so far. I think I should let the lyrics do the talking...

Ain't there something I can give you
In exchange for everything you give to me
Read my mind and make me feel just fine
When I think my peace of mind is out
of reach

The scales are sometimes unbalanced
And you bear the weight of all that has to be
I hope you see that you can lean on me
And together we can calm a stormy sea

We love so strong and so unselfishly
And I tell you now that I made a vow
I'm giving you the best that I got, baby
Yes I tell you now, that I made a vow
I'm giving you the best that I got, honey

Everybody's got opinions
'Bout the way they think our story's gonna end
Some folks feel it's just a superficial thrill
Everybody's gonna have to think again

We love so strong and so unselfishly
They don't bother me so I'm gonna keep on
Giving you the best that I got, baby
They don't bother me, said I'm gonna keep on
Giving you the best that I got, listen baby

Somebody understands me
Somebody gave his heart to me
I stumbled my whole life long
Always on my own, now I'm home

My weary mind is rested
And I feel as if my home is in your arms
Fears are all gone, I like the sound of your song
And I think I want to sing it forever

We love so strong and so unselfishly
And I made a vow so I tell you now
I'm giving you the best that I got, baby
I bet everything on my wedding ring
I'm giving you the best that I got,
givin' it to you baby




Love...

1, 2, 1?

It always sad when one heart becomes two. It is so much easier to join than it is to separate what has been joined. I was speaking to an elderly gentleman yesterday and he told me 'You don't ever want to know what it feels like not to want to go home. To look for excuses not to go home.' I had so many questions for him...I'm curious by nature but the timing and setting just wasn't right. How did you go from one heart to two? From one life to two separate lives...joined together by name but as far apart as being on two different continents. I prayed for him this morning and his wife that their hearts would find their way back to each other, back home.

I sent SO a text today;

'I pray I never lose you....'emotionally' that it. Even though it's always difficult when we're physically separated I know it will be much worse if we were ever to become strangers in our own home.'

SO responded:

'I pray and hope not darling. I pray and hope that we will be a beacon for others to follow.'


Great relationships are hard work. Sometimes I feel like I've put in my 100% and surely no one expects me to put in anymore but I am learning that God gives the grace for that extra and I pray that I can always give it. Its not about perfection but putting in your very best and sometimes that means really stretching 'me' to the limit so that 'us' can reign.

I don't know what is happening to me but I am falling in love with this man more and more everyday.

Love. Live

Men and Women

I read an article entitled '7 Things Your Husband Wants to Tell You' on Yahoo Shine! I just wanted somewhere to bookmark it. Men and women have so much to learn from each other and I've always subscribed to learning more about men from men and not women. I thought there were really interesting points.

1. A small 'thank-you' makes a huge difference. 

I'm trying to form a habit of appreciating SO for specific things. Not just 'thank you for all you do' or 'thank you for being you' but 'thank you for choosing chocolate cake instead of apple pie because that's my favourite desert'  or for doing the dishes or for listening. It's not easy though, good habits are hard to learn.


2. I'm more likely to offer you concrete advice than a shoulder to cry on.

True about most men. True about SO. Men are fixers and solvers by nature...they're not too good at this emphatic listening thing. Either I roll my eyes when he goes into 'The Fixer' mode or I just tell him upfront that I just need to be held or vent and please no comments afterwards.

3. Give the chores deadlines

I think the main thing with men is about being specific about what you want. He can't read my mind...actually its strange that even though I know I actually act as if he can read my mind and get upset when he doesn't.

4. Tell me directly what's bothering you

Links to Number 3.

5. Please don't ask me how you look in that dress

Lol! I and SO have what we call 'lose-lose' situations and this has to be top of the charts! Men can never win this one.

6. I don't feel like talking all the time, it doesn't mean I don't want to be close

I am also learning not to take SO's need for space personally. I think its good that he does some things without me and vice versa. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Love is all about maturity, its also about seasons.

7. I wish you wanted sex more

I don't think I've read anything where this didn't come up in one form or the other. Well all I can say for now is Noted.

So there it is...hopefully I can remember all these guidelines.

Love.Learn

60 Minute Marriage..

I read the above titled book by Rob Parsons yesterday morning. From start to finish. The whole book. Its one of the best books I've read on relationships, marriage and parenting that I've read in a long time. He wrote it so that it could be read in an hour. It took me a bit longer because I was furiously making notes like there was an exam after that hour! My notes were my gift to SO yesterday and he really loved it. In his words, 'this is to be studied and not merely read!' I would like to share that email with you but as I lifted every single word directly from the book I think there will be copyright issues with that!

How to transform your marriage in an hour! Definitely worth the read. What I will share are the main points of the book, he describes them as the goals partners should aim for in marriage. To get more, read the book!

Communication
Learning to talk again and to give each other the dignity of knowing that they matter. Try to have an evening once a week for just the two of you. Defend it with your life
Don't confuse your partners need for space with rejection


Make time

In the 21st century, time pressure is killing relationships. We can live in the same house and still be strangers if we don't make time to really spend time with each other. I am really guilty of this one but hopefully my 30 Day challenge is helping me look for ways to actually bridge gaps and spend quality if not always quantity time.

To Survive Conflict

There will be conflict but it doesn't have to be a horrible thing. We must learn to deal with it. Attack issues and not people. Stick to those issues and remember the magic word FORGIVENESS. Learn to be the first to apologise.

To Accept what I can't change

While life is about change, people find change difficult. Don't be so focused on who you want your partner to be that you miss out on who they really are. We must love the whole package both the bits we like and those we don't. I would rather that SO loved long phone conversations but he doesn't and he makes it up to me in other ways so I have learnt to live with it. The refusal to accept what I couldn't change destroyed my last relationship. I am learning my lessons.


To be a Ghostbuster

We come into marriage with ourselves. That sounds funny but its true. We bring our hopes, dreams, fears, most importantly we bring our past. I spent a long time on this one because I know that my reaction to certain things are based mainly on what I saw in my parents marriage and in my previous relationship. I need to be more self-aware and ask myself why I react to certain things in a certain way. My inability to share my problems, my perfectionism, my sometimes critical response to certain situations. Hmm.. He recommends sharing with our partners our past hurts, heartbreaks and disappointments. Our partners deserve this, it provides context and promotes understanding.


To Believe in Lovemaking
Rob says that we should forget the Hollywood myths. Every couple will at some point experience a 'dry spell.' He/she may not be that interested. Men want women to initiate and be more available for sex. Women want men to be more affectionate, for her lovemaking starts long before the bedroom. There must be a way we can meet somewhere and be in a win/win situation. Read a book, get counselling whatever it takes for you to get your groove back.


To Dispel the Illusions

Marriage is more than romance. Sometimes its a dance and sometimes you're fighting to keep it alive. Forget thinking that you will be happier with someone else. The grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs mowing. I want to have a wonderful marriage. I want SO to be the happiest man alive because he's married to me. Its my goal and that's what I will keep working towards.